What's the Story? - Opinion

Jun 21, 2016
by Vernon Felton  

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I’m not sure why I even noticed it—a lonely bit of clipless pedal that had evidently shit the bed and exploded—now hanging off a broken fir branch. One minute I was pedaling up the trail, the next I was staring, transfixed at the thing. How had it gotten there in the first place? Who left it there? What was the story?

The track I’d just ridden up bobbed and weaved for a solid couple of miles, a muddy ribbon of little rollers, rocks and roots, and tight corner after tight corner. Maybe some skinny goat of an XC racer was hell bent on notching another Strava KOM.

Wrecked-pedal

There you were, Mystery Rider, out of the saddle, heart pounding, lungs, and legs on fire, but this time, this time, you are absolutely crushing that personal best. After months of training, victory is in sight. And let’s pause to savor this moment because it’s not just about seeing your name glowing atop Strava’s scoreboard. Okay, maybe it totally is that, but it’s something more as well because you gave up gluten to get to this moment.

I mean, right from the get-go, you knew gluten and dairy were the enemy. It’s all about that power to weight ratio and let’s be honest, your ratio has kind of sucked since way, way back when people were doing the Macarena at weddings. Forever ago. So you started the diet. But here’s what none of those stringy Vegan Defender types tells you: Gluten and dairy are what actually make food palatable.

And did you know there’s dairy in French fries? What the @#!$? It’s a friggin’ potato for chrissakes! But, according to the waitress, there’s something in that magic coating they put on the damn things, so no more French fries for you. Ever. Hell, you understood that bagels were walking out the door of your life, and you could accept that, but French fries too? Now, it’s just a lonely grass-fed patty and some wilted lettuce staring forlornly up at you from your plate because obviously hamburger buns have become Gluten Enemy Number One in your quest to finally get truly, one hundred percent, fast as hell.


Pedal
And you don’t even have to mention all those stupid, painful f*cking intervals. You actually went out and bought a road bike. A road bike! Just so you could get fast on the dirt. There’s a bitter irony there you don't even want to explore. For months now, it’s just been you, a power meter and two skinny tires. Go fast. Go slow. Go fast. Go slow. Now, feel like dying. Now feel like you never want to touch a bicycle again. Annnnd repeat…. one hundred times. Does it get shittier than intervals? It does not. But you know, if suffering through intervals on a road bike is good enough for Aaron Gwin or those Atherton cyborgs…


Oh, wait, it actually does get worse than intervals. You’re crystal clear about this fact because you’ve been pushing that stupid effing tractor tire around the floor of the local CrossFit gym. If there was anything that screamed “I am willing to sell my soul to break the will of other riders” it’s the act of joining the limping, broken army of CrossFit fanatics as they jump up and down, rupture all the discs in their backs and give each other big, sweaty hugs because they just finished doing that particular workout that always makes everybody puke on one another, and this time half of you didn’t yack a rainbow all over the gym. Yay!

But, hey, you can’t argue with those CrossFit results. You’ve dropped a couple waist sizes and you’ve got that fashionably ropey and starved looking going now and, man, do you know how to suffer now. This trail and this record? They are officially your prison bitches today. Yep, it’s finally all coming together in this one moment. You are soooo close to the end of the trail. Just another quarter mile to go. You can practically taste it now. So. Damn. Close. Just a couple more corners, a couple straights, that berm up ahead and—BANG.

Wrecked-Pedal
What the hell? What the goddamn…? You’re sprawled sideways on the trail, glossy with sweat, vision sorta blurry, breath coming ragged and you are looking at the guts of your clipless pedal, strewn about in the mud, decorating the ferns… A handful of little springs, bushings, and bearings that spell out a message from your clipless pedal: “You are not getting that KOM today. Sorry. I died.”

Or maybe that’s not the story at all. Maybe the Mystery Rider was someone else entirely. Maybe they were coming down the trail, sailing through that berm, outside foot planted low, torso corkscrewed just so, head craned and staring at the exit—just dominating the downhill when that pedal they’ve been nursing along through season after season of road trips and bike parks and flat landings, finally took its fatal one-millionth cycle and gave up the ghost...POP!

I nudge the broken bit of pedal with my finger before climbing back on my bike and heading up the trail.

Or maybe the Mystery Rider was this family man—this guy who busted out the old Cannondale Super V after God knows how many seasons in storage. The kids are old enough to watch themselves and he’s finally back on the mountain following all those years of hiding the steak knives, diapering kids who seem too old to still be using diapers and picking up broken bits of Barbie dolls from the family room floor. I can see it now, it’s his first ride back and he’s churning lumpy circles up the trail…

I crank my own bike up to speed. It’s time for my own story to unfold.

MENTIONS: @vernonfelton


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125 Comments
  • 257 8
 Or maybe Mystery Rider was just riding along on his Egg Beaters and his Egg Beaters were doing what Egg Beaters do and now they're in a tree.
  • 14 4
 This^^^^^. Well done Vernon!!
  • 5 1
 **double up
  • 26 3
 ...except it's not an Egg Beater pedal. It's a Time ATAC clip:

cdn.mos.bikeradar.com/images/news/2013/01/11/1357865539300-vn8d403ioqzl-500-70.jpg
  • 48 1
 I think that pedal like really tied the forest together man.
  • 21 2
 @Thustlewhumber: well, that's like, your opinion man.
  • 14 4
 @Thustlewhumber: Donny, shut the f*ck up, you're out of your element here!
  • 18 2
 @Thustlewhumber: Smoky, this is bowling, not 'Nam. There are rules...
  • 3 0
 @tmargeson: This is an important clue to the story, and seems to line up with Vernon's first scenario.
  • 3 3
 That wouldn't happen with Shimano.
  • 1 0
 i wouldn't hold out hope for the Creedence.
  • 51 1
 .....or maybe a certain pedal and component company are taking their warranty one step further and putting random spares on trails now!?!?
Nice ramblings, made me smile!
  • 30 0
 or maybe I put that pice of pedal there to mess with your mind, man.
  • 30 0
 How do I upvote an article?
  • 2 0
 Applause.
  • 26 0
 5/7 would rant again.
  • 4 0
 imgur!
  • 17 2
 Holy crap! After 5 minutes of hysterical fits of laughter I noticed the little bits of wood falling from the branch. It gives the pic motion, excellent capture. The crazy shit we think of on the trail. Gluten for life! Its where all the protein is.
  • 18 0
 I thought it was a leg hold trap for leprechauns
  • 16 0
 Fuck Kom. Eat what ya eat, drink be happy and get on your bike and ride that hooker like you stole it!
  • 14 1
 What a great piece of creative writing and so PB the comments section is topped by talk of the type of pedal, its shortcomings, manufacturer's warranties, 'realistic' theories of how the pedal got there. Perhaps Vernon is actually a social scientist writing a study - Autistic Spectrum Disorder in Cycling Communities. If not someone should be, we're all here, myself included.
  • 16 0
 All the cross fit in the world won't keep your fingers off the bitch levers
  • 2 0
 Bitch levers haha made my day!
  • 13 0
 Isn't the whole point of riding to be able to eat ice cream, french fries, and bagels . . . and drink booze? And can we stop with the CrossFit already? Billy Blanks went away, why can't this?
  • 10 1
 Does resistance training like Crossfit help your riding? Absolutely.
Do you need to just some pseudo cult, flip tractor tires, or run through the local strip mail with kettle bells in each hand to do it? (And inform everyone via social media that you have joined said fad.)

No, no you don't.
  • 4 0
 and to expound, please stop if you started.
  • 7 1
 just beware: eating well and exercising doesn't guarantee health. eating poorly and not exercising doesn't guarantee early death. eating badly and exercising lots doesn't mean bad performance. exercising a lot and eating well doesn't mean strong performance.

but smiling and enjoying does mean happiness!
  • 9 0
 This may be my favorite PB article ever.
  • 11 4
 WARNING: Content may offend Vegans, Crossfitters, XC folk and generally anyone without a sense of humour!
  • 5 0
 "You actually went out and bought a road bike. A road bike! Just so you could get fast on the dirt. There’s a bitter irony there you don't even want to explore." .... This says it all.
  • 4 0
 My guess is that the rider didn't notice that the piece fell off after a rock strike. Later, another rider discovered it and put in on the tree just in case someone came back to look for it.
  • 7 3
 Actually, if you look closely, it's a Time ATAC pedal spring. The obvious first instinct was an eggbeater (given experience with those pos's) but the extra spring and pin tipped me off.
  • 7 0
 I raced DH on ATAC Carbons - they never let me down and I even sold them used on eBay........oh damn...Stan, is that you?
  • 1 0
 Mine are crazy strong too. They went through hell and every time I opened them for maintenance they were like new inside. Good stuff. That pedal must have went through serious mileage.
  • 1 0
 True, and since it is an ATAC, there is probably a hell of a story as to what happened, and this piece makes sense in addition to humor. A medium gust of wind would have done that to an eggbreaker.
  • 7 1
 I have a feeling each rant is getting more and more hysterical Razz
  • 7 0
 Whats a KOM?
  • 16 0
 King of (intellectual) Masturbation.
  • 1 0
 About as relevant as a Can o ale Super V
  • 3 0
 Kaleidoscope of men
  • 16 1
 kunts on mountainbikes
  • 4 19
flag cgdibble (Jun 21, 2016 at 22:11) (Below Threshold)
 lol don't listen to them, it is King of the Mountain.
  • 9 0
 Kind Of Meh
  • 12 0
 It is like reaching enlightenment for Buddhists, except it's for douch bags.
  • 6 1
 @ReformedRoadie: I must admit, I despised Strava for a long time but lately I got in again and local times got quite polished. So when I Straved my favorite 6-minute trail for the first time since two years and thought I really nailed it but found myself 1.5 minute behind the top time I got depressed. Then I went on a frenzy and managed to cut over a minute, and I can imagine cutting 10 more seconds but not 25. Trying so hard realy humiliated me and made me look at some guys I know in a different way. And I thought they were average riders like me whilr e they are silent rippers when the clock ticks. I was living in a bubble.
  • 4 0
 @WAKIdesigns: never said I wasn't on Strava...
  • 2 0
 Eventually every KOM will belong to someone who had a Strava SNAFU. The KOMs on popular sections are rarely legitimate.
  • 1 0
 @iamamodel: Strava is undoubtedly not a good measuring device, and yoy cannot know if someone just hasn't cut some corner somewhere (although you'd see a suspicious spike on time graph on comparison if you let's say repeatedly nail a section and suddenly someone gets 3-5secs around there. So if you are 10 sec behind or ahead on 5 min track then it's hard to tell if that was the exact time. But if you miss 30sec then you know, you have work to do, or just fk it, which is fine.
  • 4 0
 @WAKIdesigns: It must be those small 27.5 wheels amd 160mm travel slowing you down. You need a 120mm 29er ;P
  • 1 0
 @WAKIdesigns: Buy a stop watch and time yourself. It's the only true way.
  • 8 0
 @WAKIdesigns: I have a very similar experience with Strava. I probably only record my rides a handful of times a year, but it's really fun to see how fast other people are going and try to figure out where they found all those extra seconds. As you say, if the difference is +/-5 seconds or so I consider it a wash, but there are definitely segments where I've found much cleaner/faster lines and improved my riding after looking into the leader boards. Like anything else it can be used for good or bad - it can make you a competitive corner-cutting douche, or it can help you improve and see your local trail acquaintances with a new respect. Basically it's just a super fun tool for getting better and talking trash with your buddies. If it makes someone a dick, they probably already had strong dick tendencies... sounds like pretty much every other technology ever invented Smile
  • 2 0
 I'm usually not one to care about what other people do with their lives but I noticed the trails are changing around here. They're either getting wider or there is an improvised bypass to every single even slightly technical section around here. Now I'm not going to blame it all on strava but it is most certainly a part of the problem. It is as if going gluten free and doing a lot of crossfit doesn't make people better riders.
  • 1 0
 @PLC07: I believe Strava is totally a big part of the problem. I have not a tiniest doubt about that. My favorite trail had one of very few switchbacks in the area which got cut, two tricky sections got a bypass. Then some absolutely insane minds started to race the the same trail uphill and created cutties doing nothing for descending but defo helping to cut time when climbing.

However problems in my area started before strava came along, there were a dozen of DH tracks concentrated on a hill very close to where I live and in time they got straightened by losers who can't take their bike around a turn. Bushes were cut, branches were cut.

Last time I walked my favorite trail to look at the corners to see how could I cut some time, I spotted a possibility for a cuttie but the blue berry bushes seemed unscathed. I put my both hands in and spread them apart - there was a clear sign of broken wigs along the straight line, so the process has already started.

Strava is a clear culprit for being an incentive for such actions, but what can we do? Lately I learned a thing or two about the way I suck, thanks to it but I will never cheat by fking up trails to get a better time. I'm not after a KOM, I'm after understanding some of my deficiencies in skill and fitness. But I can't do anything about wankers who want to get into top 20. I'm sure non of top guys in my area would go to such extents, they don't need to. I won't get on some ideological high horse and say some lunacy like: Strava is for corner cutters, hence I don't want to have anything to do with it. Some small group of lowlives will always find a way to mess it up for everybody
  • 2 0
 People enjoy racing. Let's perhaps redirect that anger to douchebags in general and not an app that records and compares times. Strava can be a fun tool to see how fast you are riding compared to your previous times and the times of others, it can be an obsession for some, a motivation to cheat or hack trails for others...but it's just an app and any douchy'ness that results is on the person and not the app.
  • 1 1
 @WAKIdesigns: When I can't climb a section, I prefere doing the walk of shame. The walk of shame is the best motivator for never doing the walk of shame again. Come back later, practice and conquer. It is always a nice feeling to ride a trail a few years down the line and remember that you once used to struggle on that section.

At the risk of sounding elitist, I can't help but to find it is extremely sad that people will skip on bagel and french fries, spend so much time in a gym, buy a road bike, a 650b/29er and then build a bypass to avoid learning how to climb over two roots and a rock. Don't you have any pride? Do you even mountain bike?
  • 2 0
 @PLC07 What?! Can you explain me what did I do wrong? I measured my time and looked at the graph to see where and how much time I lost?! I did go to a gym in off season, spend time practicing skills, riding pumptrack, doing sprints and ride 3 times a week. I even had skills clinics with Alex Roberton from Lee Likes Bikes on sunday. What kind of transcendental loser crap are you talking about?
  • 1 0
 @PLC07: I don't get why you're salty about people taking go-arounds.... people have been doing that since before I started riding. Are you not able to take your techy line anymore or something?

I've walked tons of features and will continue to have to... but if I brought the bike out it's not cuz I wanted to go for a hike. If I can stay on the bike without wrecking the trail for everyone else I'll gladly do it. For all you know the guy taking the go-around is working on his techy skills but he'd just rather stay on the bike and keep riding.
  • 1 0
 @PLC07: I'll take having a go around as opposed to having the features taken out.

Apparently decent sized log overs are not favored by trail runners or people walking their 15 year old dogs (unfortunately this is not a joke).

The rule around here on state park land is if you want the feature to stay, make an easy alternate to go around it...or it will get cleared.
  • 1 0
 I like logs, they make me want to test bunny hops or just practice the skill of getting over logs. But some fallen trees just destroying the flow... and I cut through them with anger... using my petite little saw.
  • 1 0
 @WAKIdesigns: My comment wasn't aimed at you directly, it was a general you. If someone wants to go gluten free and lift weights, I have zero problem with it. If it is to become a faster biker but they don't know how to pump, bunny up and/or ride over rocks/roots, I feel they're missing the big picture.

@ReformedRoadie @bkm303 Bypass are cool. You shouldn't have to get injured because your skill level isn't up to par for a trail section. That would defeat the purpose. I'm not advocating to force people to do massive drops or river gaps. What I'm talking about is mostly low speed minor feature technical climbs that are really not that hard and have next to no consequences, yet people prefere cutting into the woods than giving it a shot. Stuff like 3-5" high roots/rocks that people ride around, not sketchy skinnies way up in the trees.
  • 1 0
 @PLC07: most people in the world climb on fire roads... why wouldn't they? I'd do it myself if I lived in big mountains. That is the reality and no ideology will ever alter it because no one will ever make an inspirational video of a man riding uphill on a mountain bike. At least it wouldn't look any more convincing than Artisan Fire Wood commercial. I don't have bigger altitude differences in my area, 300ft at best, or fireroads reaching trail heads. I climb rocky, rooty and muddy terrain winding through Taiga forest, because I am forced to, I have nothing else to ride on. I find it fun and rewarding but I won't take credit for it. If I could chose topography I'd totally ride things like Squamish... and climb on fireroads... but yes, doing cutties on climbs is an amazing example of utter stupidity.
  • 1 0
 hahaha based on my previous reply, it turns out my answer was false. I shall now try and make up for it...

KOM means: Knowingly Omitting Menstruation
  • 2 0
 @WAKIdesigns: Strava has brought MTB up to the standards of our culture. Riding now must be like a video game, or it just makes less sense. I use strava because I like to use trailforx and it interfaces nicely. I never compare cause I don't care. the only thing strava is missing is a monthly subscription fee and the ability to micro pay for strava points, or the ability to buy enhancements for your avatar or buy virtual parts for your virtual bike.

The people who play strava and are even concerned with KOM remind me of people who play golf and fudge their score, even if playing alone, what is the point? I thought the point was to have fun.

BTW does anyone know the cheat codes for strava? I heard there was an app that you can hack strava and choose your times for the segments you ride.
  • 3 0
 @Gasket-Jeff: Please don't wake up Devil's advocate demon in me. I may not have reset my system of values yet after the personal mental collapse of becoming conscious of existence of collective consiousness involving swarm dynamics like universal morality and all sets of ideologies and beliefs systems. It allowed me to see every human being a part of it but also remaining an individual. I recgnized my individuality in all this and I get that not everyone is fortunate to do so. All that happened without the use of DMT by the way which I flatter myself with. But what I can tell you is that you are, first of all, bringing the lunatic ideological mechanism of thought where a tool is percieved as a dangeorus thing because some people may misuse it. Second of all you picture Mountain BIking as some pristine ritual and assembly of individuals who should strive for divine usage of that ritual, that can be contaminated with the use of that tool. Finally you bring up computer games, completely dismissing the fact that A.What else is bike park riding, what else are 99% of the sports, like luge, carting, flying planes, skiing (where in fact getting better at it means you have to bring that to the level of pure play) and B. Hell yea, when I do some Strava segment I feel just like 18yr old me, playing Colin McRae 2, when me and my friends were banging lap times, then 3 years later after fast internet connection went into full swing we could check that we were lying with 0,5 sec from the best in the world. The difference being what I am doing banging lap times on my trails, feeling my heart pounding being scared as hell of not braking into that corner. That puts me into the zone, that is one of the most intense, near spiritual experiences I have ever had. However the bits of dignity I have will not get me going in straight line between corners of a trail that exists for either 20 years or 2 weeks. That makes me realize what I can do by going to the max (cheating excluded). I haven't felt as empty as when I went to a race and I sucked, and I didn't know why. After the comp I turned on Strava and decided to figure out what went wrong. And it had nothing to do with a particular segment it had to do with me riding at a steady pace, thinking that's all there is to riding.

It was so deep I found oil. I felt unity wth the universe when writing that, the geology, the dynamics of bilogy of the forest, You see Strava brought me to it. Mountain Biking is just a stupid hobby. You make it what it is for yourself, not for anyone else. A trail builder who finds Strava ruining his work is dangerous, because if he gets sucked into some ideological dispute, he's going to start killing people. Because peple will eventually f*ck up his trail, his vision of what his creation was meant to be. Get on a rocket and fly to another planet when there is no one around.
  • 2 0
 and BTW since I came to terms with myself over last few years I am certain I will ditch that Strava thing in a year or less. So no I don't really have that much emotional bound to it as it looks like.. I am only interested in cases where I lose massive portions of time to guys I know are not World Cup racers, and are unlikely to be Strava trail cutters, because most cutties here cut a second or two, not a freaking minute. And only an absolute idiot would think that Strava has 1-2 second accuracy.
  • 2 0
 @Gasket-Jeff: That's exactly why I don't use it. If i cared about times i would race.
  • 1 1
 @WAKIdesigns: Oh Waks you are my favorite PB personality. I love that your brought spirituality into this discipline/discussion. Excuse my weakness. I have not used DMT either, tho at one point in life I longed to. I have found in recent years mountain biking has been the most intense and relieving form of meditation I have had the pleasure of doing. Without sounding too MTB fanboy like some cliche action sports character from a movie like Keanu Reeves. When I ride i get so focused on my line choice and the entirety of mountain biking that I (again trying not to sound cleche) become one in the moment. I said excuse my weakness because I kind of do find it weak of me to need a vice like an extremely expensive piece of equipment made by slaves and a location change that often involves hours of driving. I am prolly just too lazy to figure out how to accomplish this in my cell (my office) or in a quiet room. Perhaps I am cheating like the people who play strava. I dont feel as tho I am. I feel more like a (romantic notion) shoalin monk who has left the temple. It is my job to show the world the virtue of mtb, and while the social media pissfest/videogamizing of this past time can help other beings find this (what i find to be) miracle, I also see this "expansion" as a detractor and I HATE PURISTS.
  • 2 1
 @Gasket-Jeff: Not sure where you get all this gamer sh!t from. Strava is basically mapping with a stopwatch. Like bike parts, gaming, online rants, etc... when taken too serious you become a dork.
  • 1 0
 @Eatsdirt: Google mytracks was gps with a stop watch. add to this the ability to break the gps trax into segments and compare your performance with other people who have genitalia envy, and social networking to it, and suddenly you have ppl more interested in winning the never ending game. I ride for smiles not podiums, I have and do occasionally race, and prefer to do it face to face with other humans. I do have a troll intolerance...

What can I say I am prolly just bitter cause I always get pwned when I ride.
  • 1 0
 @Eatsdirt: Hey thanks for the heads up. Much appreciated.
  • 2 0
 @Gasket-Jeff: i am glad we can talk on the plains of enlightement. I can put away my ego and talk my mind through my heart. You see, racing was always hard for me, because some of the people I knew, who I rode with on a few occasions were not presenting any higher skill or fitness that I did. They travelled around Europe to ride when I couldn't, because I either had no money or time due to work or courage to face my fixed wife and say I want to spend Sandy beach holidays worth of money on going on a trip to ride some bikes. She is who she is, as the oldest of 3, she was molded to be the good girl giving example and taking care of the pack. So I was angry inside, that me riding so little was keeping up with guys who had all the opportunity in the world to be spectacular in front of me. I could recognize some obvious mistakes they were making, weird mistaken opinions they were stating about riding particular things. I was coming to races and ending in the 2/3s of the pack and I just couldn't understand why. Latest race was no different. This time I decided to do something about it because I got deeply wounded by my lack of on-race performance while on group rides I used to stay in the forefront of the pack. Race log showed me that suddenly a chubby dude, who can barely bunnyhop kicks me 15 sec in the face on a 2 minute track where I feel like I can't go any faster (and for gods sake I can even Manual!, I am lifting bro! I am spitting my lungs on sprints once a week, whaaat is wroooong with meeeee, ooh Gooooood...) So I went to the Oracle of Stravos... I went all the way I thought I could... No difference. And she showed me the comparison graphs and I sawthose steep dips where I lose time. So I decided to go out, no matter hoow much it burns, then even harder and I dug deep... each steep climb just go! Heart rate 210, scree some pacing strategies, just go. And I started beating them one by one, coming closer to the top 10, to the house of local Gods... I realized that I wasn't pushing myself as much as I could, I was being hard on myself where I made no sin and it blinded me. I did not allow this child inside to spread wings to show me what he could do, just like my parents used to raise me, and I hated them for that thing. I analyzed the efforts of local Gods and went walking to the trails. Saw the misuse of Strava but also obvious things on legit lines I was too proud to pay attention to. I found myself... Wheep... I'm no worse, I am worthy... Wheep. I just didn't believe you can little Waki, I'm so proud of you.

Strava gave me in two weeks what racing could, but in at least few years of frequent racing time.

Is there any chance I am synthesizing drugs in my head, I use only insomnia, snus and coffee...

So how did you enjoy it Jeff? New quality in commenting or just typical poop?
  • 1 0
 @WAKIdesigns: Its never poop. Waki comments are the most useful on PB and often more useful than the article that spawned the. Im not sure if I am doing something wrong, but did not notice a change. You have given me an appreciation for strava, though I am unlikely to seek or gain the benefits you have with this little piece of skynet in the backcountry. Insomnia can be a great thing too.
  • 1 0
 @Gasket-Jeff: thank you. I will tell you one last thing I learned. Those few times I manage to meet other human beings on bicycles I spend them coming up with jokes and trying to make a laugh. Talk some nerdy sht, but not too much, I had my share of that in the past. Now I want to laugh and hear people laughing. What I miss is quiet time among people, on a race. I want this experience of being focused and silent when everyone is having fun talking. I am missing being serious in a meaningful way about something being a big part of me... and I am tired of this have fun with friends attitude in Enduro and DH. I'm doing that every fkng time I ride with people ok? I don't need to be told to do it. I hate stoke, I haaate stoke, I hate stoke nazis who shame people for being serious. Shittin on racers not having a beer after a race. Stoke nazis are at the forefront of Atherton hating association. AHA. So... You see what Strava does to people? Big Grin
  • 1 0
 @WAKIdesigns: Laugh Out Loud! Have a good one! Or um dont.
  • 3 1
 I once found a torn off purple sole from a gaerne spd-shoe, about 15 years after gaerne lost traction as a credible mtb shoe producer, midway down my handbuilt double black diamond trail wondering what terrors went through Mystery Riders mind having bewildered himself onto this Nuskool trail..
  • 2 0
 Funny that I just made some homemade mac and cheese on the stovetop after tonight's ride (only 1 PR and I'll never have a KOM) and logged on to find this article! As always, thanks for the laughs @vernonfelton
  • 7 0
 Make a segment in your garden and you will have an everlasting KOM Smile
  • 2 0
 @TheHill: that's genius
  • 4 0
 @TheHill: Or you'll have some scumbag sneak into your yard while at work to take it from you... tempting fate with that one
  • 4 0
 I know its childish, but that pic of dude lifting the weights really made me laugh. I'm enjoying very much the articles
  • 4 0
 Wow. this article feels like it was written about me, except I have gluten intolerance and no Strava.
  • 2 0
 Gluten intolerant? Which means you are eating healthy diet, kind of naturally? You fitness privileged basterd!
  • 1 0
 @WAKIdesigns: My wife was clinically diagnosed (blood test, then stomach biopsy) with celiac disease a few years back. Her iron would not increase in her blood after radiation therapy and our family physician had just attended a conference about the link between low iron and celiac. Our house became gluten free, and as a result I did the elimination diet. After a few months gluten free I ate gluten by accident and it was not pretty... Nope, not pretty at all.

We still eat bread, cake, noodles, etc, but it is all made without wheat flour. Rice flour, oat flour, etc. Luckily she's an excellent cook!
  • 1 0
 @cliocatface: i am sorry to hear that. Being lactose intolerant I know well enough the pain of the symptoms then of stopping eating your favorite foods and finally symptoms becoming really tough as a result of elimination, everytime you get in contact with the concerned food. First time I forgot to ask for lactose free Latte after being lactose free for a month was a shocker. Cream kills me.
  • 1 0
 Gluten is bad for you?
Next your going to tell me beer is bad for me!
Ignorence is bliss.
Now get on your bike and ride.
Btw if you pay attention . Almost every trail on the north shore has tree ornaments from bike mishaps.
derailluers being the common hanging artifact.
  • 1 0
 "If there was anything that screamed “I am willing to sell my soul to break the will of other riders” it’s the act of joining the limping, broken army of CrossFit fanatics ..."

The beginning of what was possibly the funniest diatribe on crossfit ever.
  • 3 0
 The guy has the best job. Gets to write articles like this for a living. Well done!
  • 4 0
 LOL, awesome bit there, Vernon! Keep them coming.
  • 6 6
 So, no one has yet brought up the fact he (she) has just left that junk there in a tree for someone else to tidy up..

And then we all complain why the authorities want to shut down trails / introduce penalties / restrictions.... :/
  • 3 2
 I was wondering when I would find someone pointing out that this is just someones garbage littered on the trail and that it should have been picked up and taken out.
  • 3 1
 That spring was broken and placed on the tree by another trail user. This shit isn't hard to figure out and doesn't require an essay on verbal diarrhea.
  • 3 0
 @atrokz Without this piece of journalistic masturbation, how would you know that by training for XC/fitness and eat well that you aren't a gnarly hardcore brobrah... and therefore ghey. Quite juvenile, but it's what works around here it appears.
  • 2 0
 @Eatsdirt: You raise a good point. I was doing some deadlifts then read this article and now I'm drinking some beers and ready for my first Endurbro podium!
  • 3 1
 WTF did I just read.... seriously... 3 or 4 of those paragraphs went off about gluten and shit. Remind me to avoid these articles in the future.
  • 4 0
 legit
  • 3 0
 Always a great read, Vernon.
  • 2 0
 And I was just thinking I need a road bike. Thanks Vernon for setting me straight before I made a big mistake!
  • 2 0
 find myself clicking every article from Vernon Felton without hesitation. what a treat to have him writing at pinkbike
  • 1 0
 Such a great article! Thanks for articulating what I hear in my head every time I get on my road bike to commute into work.
  • 2 0
 That was an awesome way to distract me from a night shift
  • 2 0
 That last paragraph hit pretty damn close to home. Shit just got real.
  • 5 3
 Blatant pandering to the PB stereotype.
  • 2 0
 Fine work Mr. Felton....fine work
  • 2 0
 This is the Vernon we've been waiting for. Welcome back man.
  • 1 2
 Great write up Vernon. I too can't for the life of me see the point of Cross Fit. Surely it can't be too much fun rolling around truck tires and trying to play skip rope with rope intended to hold back an oil tanker.
  • 2 0
 Haha!!!!!! Loved reading this article!!! Beer tup
  • 2 0
 Thanks Vernon. Knew I left it somewhere Wink
  • 2 0
 About time - where've been Vernon
  • 5 3
 Whoever you are, please take your rubbish with you
  • 4 1
 What's Strava?
  • 1 0
 This article and so many of the comments are great. Made my day. I give it an A+
  • 2 0
 great Smile
  • 3 3
 I thought he was talking about himself but then "a road bike. A road bike."
  • 1 0
 just another broken crank brothers product,
  • 1 0
 oh man this made me laugh out loud. i am the family man in this story
  • 2 0
 Loved this. Great read.
  • 1 0
 Best rant ever had me rolling
  • 1 0
 Good read! Thank you sir!
  • 2 4
 This is why I only do climbing KOMs. The risk on downhill or fast trails is just too high.
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