do you think i should use this

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do you think i should use this
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flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:03 Quote
this is a creative writing assignment for my tenth grade english class give me some ideas this is what i got so far





Kyle warner

WHY I RIDE

As I step out of the truck the red dirt crunches under my feet I look over to see the nervous look on my friends face as he mutters "are we really going down that" I swiftly reply "don't worry ive done it a million times "when in fact this is my first time riding this trail. I walk to the bed of the truck and pull the tailgate down, I check my bike over as I strap on my helmet. I see everything is fine and pull it out as I throw my leg over I look up and see the trail head my mind goes blank and I turn on my music. As I roll to the start the music pulses into my ear I now here nothing but my own breathing and my favorite play list. I look over and signal my friend . now the fun begins.

All at once my world is set in motion, my bike and I act as one. I come flying down the trail as I come around a blind corner I see hikers I see the terrified looks on their faces as they scramble out of the way. All in one act a lip that the hikers were in the way of comes into view I fly off to see a seemingly endless gap this has got to be the biggest jump I have ever hit in my life a sense of terror trys to come into my mind but is immediately pushed out as the world seems to stop everything is in slow motion I hear nothing except the steady beat of my heart and the buzz of my hub, as the landing slowly approaches I realize I am going to make it. A moment later my wheels touch down on the beautifly shaped dirt a sense of elation comes over me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.

That is why I ride
flag dhrider1234567
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:05 Quote
i really liked it good writting and grammer! so how big was this gap?
flag dancallahan
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:06 Quote
do it! if i have to do something like this for english imma use it Smile k thanks
flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:07 Quote
thanks it really wasnt that big like 15 feet i just had to dramatize it to make it more interesting
flag dhrider1234567
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:08 Quote
hahha definetly use it great pce
flag angelswings
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:10 Quote
if i was you i would lay off the adjectives a bit. there is a point at which it seems like your only using them for the look at me factor. if you made it a bit more raw and pure instead of all the perfectly shaped etc.

i think it was good with the emotion and describing the fear and there were definately some good parts, but as i said i would use less adjectives, strip it down and make it more how you feel. not how you think your teacher wants you to feel.

*all above is opinion and likely to be wrong,if you disagreee with me then its handbags at dawn for us Razz *

some of the other points re-reading it, things like you replying swiftly. . .etc
i think taking some of it out would capture the essence of it more and make it seem less . . . . . . .comercial?
flag slypandington
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:13 Quote
Work on your grammar and make it more descriptive Smile
flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:14 Quote
thanks i was looking for input on how to make it better i think your right i just wrote it in like 10-15 minutes and think it is a little over exagerated but what parts should i calm down a little
flag huckoveraduck
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:16 Quote
A moment later my wheels touch down on the beautifly shaped dirt a sense of elation comes over me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.....


Veins still ripping with adrenaline; I was blissfully unaware of the situtation I was carelessly meandering into. For unbeknown to myself as I cruised, sat down on my Azonic sofa seet, freewheel whizzing, tyres churning up the 'loose over hardpack' - as Maxxis would call it, the echoing crunch that my rear wheel had sent about the valley, brought the rather inconveniant attention belonging to a wildpack of ravernous Pine Martins.

No ordinary jam sandwhich could keep these little murderers away, for they had tasted blood, and wanted the real deal.
flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:18 Quote
is this a little better


WHY I RIDE

As I step out of the truck the red dirt crunches under my feet I look over to see the nervous look on my friends face as he mutters "are we really going down that" I tell him "don't worry ive done it a million times "when in fact this is my first time riding this trail. I walk to the bed of the truck and pull the tailgate down, I check my bike over as I strap on my helmet. I see everything is fine and pull it out as I throw my leg over I look up and see the trail head my mind goes blank and I turn on my music. As I roll to the start the music pulses into my ear I now here nothing but my own breathing and my favorite play list. I look over and signal my friend . now the fun begins.

All at once my world is set in motion, my bike and I act as one. I come flying down the trail as I come around a blind corner I see hikers, I see the terrified looks on their faces as they scramble out of the way. All in one act a lip that the hikers were in the way of comes into view I fly off to see a seemingly endless gap this has got to be the biggest jump I have ever hit in my life a sense of terror trys to come into my mind but is immediately pushed out as the world seems to stop everything is in slow motion I hear nothing except the steady beat of my heart and the buzz of my hub, as the landing slowly approaches I realize I am going to make it. A moment later my wheels touch down on the big pile of dirt that is supposedly a landing a sense of elation comes over me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.

That is why I ride
flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:20 Quote
huckoveraduck wrote:
A moment later my wheels touch down on the beautifly shaped dirt a sense of elation comes over me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.....


Veins still ripping with adrenaline; I was blissfully unaware of the situtation I was carelessly meandering into. For unbeknown to myself as I cruised, sat down on my Azonic sofa seet, freewheel whizzing, tyres churning up the 'loose over hardpack' - as Maxxis would call it, the echoing crunch that my rear wheel had sent about the valley, brought the rather inconveniant attention belonging to a wildpack of ravernous Pine Martins.

No ordinary jam sandwhich could keep these little murderers away, for they had tasted blood, and wanted the real deal.
lol nice
flag angelswings
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:23 Quote
kylechs5 wrote:
is this a little better


WHY I RIDE

As I step out of the truck the red dirt crunches under my feet I look over to see the nervous look on my friends face as he mutters "are we really going down that" I tell him "don't worry ive done it a million times "when in fact this is my first time riding this trail. I walk to the bed of the truck and pull the tailgate down, I check my bike over as I strap on my helmet. I see everything is fine and pull it out as I throw my leg over I look up and see the trail head my mind goes blank and I turn on my music. As I roll to the start the music pulses into my ear I now here nothing but my own breathing and my favorite play list. I look over and signal my friend . now the fun begins.

All at once my world is set in motion, my bike and I act as one. I come flying down the trail as I come around a blind corner I see hikers, I see the terrified looks on their faces as they scramble out of the way. All in one act a lip that the hikers were in the way of comes into view I fly off to see a seemingly endless gap this has got to be the biggest jump I have ever hit in my life a sense of terror trys to come into my mind but is immediately pushed out as the world seems to stop everything is in slow motion*comma* I hear nothing except the steady beat of my heart*swap comma for*and the buzz of my hub,*new sentance?* as the landing slowly approaches I realize I am going to make it. A moment later my wheels touch down on the big pile of dirt that is supposedly a landing*comma* a sense of elation comes over*comes over reminds me a bit of old ladies being come over all queer. . . personaly opinion and i am mebby the only person that thinks it but mebby a more extreme descriptio. . .courses thru me, rips through me etc?* me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.*i agree whole heartedly on the rise against riding tunes Razz *

again. just my 2 cents

That is why I ride
flag kylechs5
O+
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:34 Quote
WHY I RIDE

As I step out of the truck the red dirt crunches under my feet I look over to see the nervous look on my friends face as he mutters "are we really going down that" I tell him "don't worry ive done it a million times "when in fact this is my first time riding this trail. I walk to the bed of the truck and pull the tailgate down, I check my bike over as I strap on my helmet. I see everything is fine and pull it out as I throw my leg over I look up and see the trail head my mind goes blank and I turn on my music. As I roll to the start the music pulses into my ear I now here nothing but my own breathing and my favorite play list. I look over and signal my friend,now the fun begins.

All at once my world is set in motion, my bike and I act as one. I come flying down the trail as I come around a blind corner I see hikers, I see the terrified looks on their faces as they scramble out of the way. All in one act a lip that the hikers were in the way of comes into view I fly off to see a seemingly endless gap this has got to be the biggest jump I have ever hit in my life a sense of terror attempts to come into my mind but is immediately pushed out as the world seems to stop everything is in slow motion,I hear nothing except the steady beat of my heart and the buzz of my hub. As the landing slowly approaches I realize I am going to make it. A moment later my wheels touch down onto the perfectly shaped dirt, a sense of elation electrifies me and the beat of rise against pumps back into my ears.

That is why I ride
flag angelswings
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:37 Quote
bout as good as i think its gona get right there.

structured, grammar is good, spelling looks ok but i cant spell for shite lol

only thing would be possibly add a 3rd paragraph but i dont know how long your trying to have it be or what word limit your working to
flag t-j-b
Posted: Feb 24, 2008 at 12:38 Quote
I don't get it, use it for what?

Edit: didn't realise it was on its second page lol!
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