Best Chuck Norris jokes

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Best Chuck Norris jokes
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flag andre2825
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 22:15 Quote
There once was a legend that Chuck Norris was defeated by a pirate.
This was merely a rumour started by Chuck Norris to trick more pirates to fight him.
flag shortyz
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:03 Quote
according to einstines theory of reletivity, chuck norris can round house kick you yesterday
flag jonlake
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:04 Quote
chuck norris doesn't take showers...only blood baths
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes

huck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.


On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.


cientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water

huck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

efore science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Noris round house kicked the leaning tower of piza

he atom bomb isn’t real.. It’s just Chuck falling out a plane and punching the ground

od wanted to create the world in 10 days… Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

It never rains when Chuck Noris is around, if it tried he would just roundhouse kick every single raindrop

a stagnant container of chuck norris’s urine turns in to diamonds after 2 days

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the f*ck out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast, he eats rail road spikes.

This just in:
“Alexandria the prophet” was currently found in Japan, where she apparantly landed after a good round house kick to the face by god…I mean Chuck Norris.

Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’s nutsack.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”

Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuvk Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down
chuck norris can touch mc hammer

huck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”

Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.

Chuck Norris was not alowed to be a part of UFC,NFL,PGA,NBA,NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occure….

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms

Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, “I don’t trust doctors.” He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis.

Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.

Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.

Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
“No Asian chicks.”

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

In the 80’s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan’s body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan’s tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.


think that will keep people occupied
flag ride24bikes
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:07 Quote
jonlake wrote:
chuck norris doesn't take showers...only blood baths
Chuck norris's tears cure cancer.... too bad he never cries..ever\



There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


When Chuck Norris jumps in the water he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
Wow. I think all of those have already been used in this thread.
flag dhmtb707
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:08 Quote
bill gates recieved one dollar for every chuck norris ass kicking, BILL GATES IS RICH!
flag jonlake
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:20 Quote
ride24bikes wrote:
jonlake wrote:
chuck norris doesn't take showers...only blood baths
Chuck norris's tears cure cancer.... too bad he never cries..ever\



There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


When Chuck Norris jumps in the water he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
Wow. I think all of those have already been used in this thread.


i thought there was only one page..happy now.
flag signorvince2
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:26 Quote
thud wrote:
CHUCK NORRIS IS MY FATHER!!!

not funny. quit life.
flag sorbet
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:31 Quote
if god greated man who created god?... chuck norris

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
flag jonlake
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:32 Quote
Chuck Norris’ penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his round-house kick.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn’t know why, but Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a

lighter weight and work his way up.

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.

Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.

Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
flag higher-learning
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:35 Quote
Chuck Norris can dive in the shallow end, it gets deeper just for him!
flag jonlake
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:36 Quote
and now some Facts:

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.


The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris demanded live rounds and convicted sex-offenders for every episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris traveled back in time and freed the slaves because he knew he’d need a black partner on his show one day. And by need, i mean do all the bitchwork, because Chuck Norris doesn’t need anybody.

If you don’t capitilize Chuck Norris’s name, he’ll kill your grandparents.

Chuck Norris singlehandedly started and ended both world wars.

Chuck Norris killed hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.

Chuck Norris shot 50 Cent 9 times but let him live for their upcoming feature film.

No girls ever f*cked Chuck Norris without getting at least 15 stitches.

Chuck Norris has never had his dick sucked, but he’s f*cked a lot of mouths.

Chuck Norris once boxed a kangaroo on a steel pier at the boardwalk.

Chuck Norris made the pope question his own sexuality.

In his autobiography, Chuck Norris accused Jean-Claude Van Dam and Steven Sigal of being “little pussies who probably sixty-nine with each other.”

Chuck Norris invented doggy-style, except he calls it Chuck Norris-style, and you better too.

Chuck Norris is the only record in medical history to beat cancer, not by chemotherapy, but a brief series of spinning roundhouse kicks.

Great White Sharks have an agreement with Chuck Norris, that if he sticks to the land, they’ll stick to the water.

Chuck Norris can make even the meanest of bull-dykes moist in the crotch.

Chuck Norris goes door to door across the country making sure people are getting their daily quota of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Reportedly, Chuck Norris vomits blood upon seeing any Ben Affleck movie, stating that Affleck “couldn’t roundhouse kick his way out of a wet paper bag.”

A lock of chuck norris’s beard is currently sold on ebay for 12 million dollars.

Chuck Norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.

Chuck Norris once killed an african elephant with his mind.

Chuck Norris’s urine is more valuable the gold in many third world countries

Chuck Norris once was playin a friendly game of golf with the pope. When Chuck shanked a ball into the bunker he began cursing. The pope said, “I will pray for you my son.” Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him to the face stating that no one prays for Chuck Noris besides Chuck Norris, then he stole his wallet.

When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.

The other day Chuck Norris and his girlfriend were sitting down watching the Texas Ranger when his girlfriend said, “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.”, there was a pause. Then Chuck Norris laughed a soft laugh when he put up his hand and made a tight fist and shoved it down his girlfriend’s thoat. He had his hand down her for a second when he jerkingly ripped it out with a fresh heart in his hand. He then said, “How dare you ryhme in the presents of Chuck Norris,” as he squished the bloody heart in his hand. Then he said, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck.”

It was five years later when Chuck Norris realized the cruel dramatic irony of his girlfriend’s death, which he came to forget when the commercials ended and he got back to watching his show, so he began laughing and he laugh so hard it killed everyone within a five-hundred mile radius and causing the storm which started the second ice age.

When Microsoft was sued for a monopoly, Chuck Norris Proceeded to roundhouse kick Hasbro Games because they invented it.

In his free time, Chuck Norris knits sweaters. But when I say “knit”, I mean kick. And when I say “sweaters”, I mean babies.

One day, a police officer pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. As Chuck Norris gave the cop his license, the image of Chuck Norris’ stare in the photo imediately compeled the officer to pull out his gun and commit suicide. Chuck Norris is now wanted for 27 traffic violations and 27 traffic violation related murders.

If Chuck Norris stands on the moutain and sez do it, it gets done, and if it doesnt get done, then chuck will move on it, and thats the last thing you want Chuck to do.

Chuck Norris didnt get ripped on the bowflex like he says in the commercial. He was born a full grown man with his beard and his 6-pack. Chuck norris created bowflex so that us mere mortals may have a chance of scoring. Well only after Chuck has made love to them first, and he did everyones mom in the world.

One day at shool, the teacher told Chuck Norris to say his ABC’s. Chuck spelled his name. When the teacher said, ” That great, now say your ABC’s” Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked the teacher and said,” Chuck Norris doesn’t repeat himself.”

Bigfoot was once spotted by Chuck Norris, however after staring at bigfoot for a while Chuck proceeded to pull his pants down thinking it was a competition… Bigfoot ran into to the woods crying never to be seen again.
flag alybear
Posted: Nov 17, 2007 at 23:49 Quote
THIS THREAD IS GOD! If I look at them long enough I laugh my ass oflol
flag a-r-c
O+
Posted: Nov 18, 2007 at 3:40 Quote
I figure that jonlake has pretty much finished this thread off.
flag gabodude
Posted: Nov 18, 2007 at 8:50 Quote
Chuck Norris once raced and beat Nicolas vouilloz in a downhill race in
japan. He acomplished this feat riding a 1996 Toys r' Us huffy with no wheels.
The heat generated by his passage down the mountain melted the trail smooth, wich was then used the next winter as the bob sleigh track in the '98 Nagano winter olympics.
flag jim-kaplan
Posted: Nov 18, 2007 at 8:54 Quote
the boogey man checks his closet for chuck norris.
chuch norris is the reason we cant find waldo.

 


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