6 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry in July
Art by Taj Mihelich
What didn't happen this month?
Mountain Biker having a Hard Time Keeping Cool During Heatwave, Despite Ownership of Pit Vipers
Unbelievably, these didn't help.
Brad Braderson, of Bradner, BC doesn’t understand how he’s so hot when he looks so cool.
His current go-to set up involves a Ford F150, a North Shore bike rack, Stumpjumper Evo and Pit Vipers are doing little to stave off the heat.
“I just can’t take it” a beleaguered Braderson informed us, “I think I’m going to have to buy some DVO. It may just be the only way to keep cool.”
Orange Bikes Tell Everyone to “Piss off and Leave them Alone”
"Go and moan about it on Tiktok, nerd."
The UK bike manufacturer Orange has told everyone to “just piss off will you?” amid the release of their latest bike that doesn’t look all the much different from their previous models.
Orange head of sales Gareth Yoghurtbottom gave us the inside scoop “listen, we like our bikes! Is that so wrong? To like the thing that you make? All this about biscuit tins, cutlery draws and caravans… In the next breath everyone will moan about carbon refuse and further detachment the simple pleasure of riding bikes… listen, we like riding them and we think they’re great. There’s a pub near us that does excellent Yorkshire puddings and roast beef… do we want them to become a Japanese fusion restaurant? No! Not everything gets better the more it’s changed - have you ever even heard of mumble rap? Newer and worse, no? If you need us, we’ll be listening to Oasis and drinking blue WKDs.”
Avid Cycling Fan Pens Vivid Erotic Blog, Insisting Text Will Always be Superior to Video
Timbersnake is looking to self publish or seralise his work.
Avid mountain biking fan Justin Timbersnake has announced that after growing frustrated with many video-only sites he intends to pen his own erotic blog that will in turn be supported by studio-quality photography.
Timbersnake explains that the benefits of text outweigh the cons in nearly every regard, it’s less data-intensive, more thorough plus it’s easier to be discreetly read at work. Timbersnake expanded he's only one reprimand away from a full disciplinary due to "Bluetooth confusion" in the office.
Timbersnake, who is also an account holder and regular commenter on mountain biking website MikeBike.com, is fed up with what he wants not being taken into consideration, with only 90% of articles being his preferred written word format.
"It's just not fair, why is only nearly everything on Mikebike in my preferred medium? Why not everything? I just feel so marginalised".
Timbersnake explains that the benefits of text outweigh the cons in nearly every regard, it’s less data-intensive, more thorough plus it’s easier to be discreetly read at work. Timbersnake expanded he's only one reprimand away from a full disciplinary due to "Bluetooth confusion" in the office.
Timbersnake, who is also an account holder and regular commenter on mountain biking website MikeBike.com, is fed up with what he wants not being taken into consideration, with only 90% of articles being his preferred written word format.
"It's just not fair, why is only nearly everything on Mikebike in my preferred medium? Why not everything? I just feel so marginalised".
Purchase of Tandem Bicycle Actually Worsens Marital Problems
The couple in pre-tandem times.
Nutella Johson and Freedom McClure have concluded their tandem experiment a failure and have officially separated. After a particularly fiery exchange in the Sea to Sky Corridor regarding whether a drop was rollable, the argument culminated in Mr. McClure sending a 4 minute voice message to his mother in law to tell her what he really thinks.
Mrs. Johnson after initially showing some frustration now seems relatively at ease. She told us “Firstly that thing was absolutely rollable, I just happened to marry a loser. And secondly, my mother does not have halitosis and an obsession with living vicariously through her children - and that’s a fact”.
It was originally Mr. McClure who, on the advice of Pinkbike user @hbar314, ordered the $9000 custom full suspension tandem as a way to bring the couple closer together. “I thought it would be kind of cool - I was going to be the “engine room” and stare at my partner's bottom for hours on a Sunday morning… what could go wrong? Well, it turns out that she drags brakes and has appalling line choice. That’s grounds for annulment in any country. And do you know what? I was dipping my heels!”
Mountain Biker Files $5 million Lawsuit Against Knee Pad Manufacturers For Neglect of Shins
"They... they were magnificent."
Caca Mierda has filed a huge lawsuit against the kneepad industry for their chronic neglect of the shin area since 2008. Doctors have described the rider's shins as looking like "somebody tried to put a fire out with a fork” and “a perfect map of the night sky”.
“It’s just not right” Mierda told us “how can we live in a world where pedal pins are long enough to be used a prison shiv, some flat pedals shoes have rubber so hard and plasticy it could well be made of recycled Joan Rivers AND we don’t even have anything to protect our shins? The whole thing is a joke, I’ve resorted to borrowing my nephew’s Sondicos.”
“I don’t have much going on for me but my shins... they were like glorious monoliths that would make women swoon and make men weep with chastened envy. Men, women and goats alike lusted after these beautiful pins and now it's ruined. It's all ruined. The gross neglect of the kneepad industry has taken that away from me and I want payback.”
“It’s just not right” Mierda told us “how can we live in a world where pedal pins are long enough to be used a prison shiv, some flat pedals shoes have rubber so hard and plasticy it could well be made of recycled Joan Rivers AND we don’t even have anything to protect our shins? The whole thing is a joke, I’ve resorted to borrowing my nephew’s Sondicos.”
“I don’t have much going on for me but my shins... they were like glorious monoliths that would make women swoon and make men weep with chastened envy. Men, women and goats alike lusted after these beautiful pins and now it's ruined. It's all ruined. The gross neglect of the kneepad industry has taken that away from me and I want payback.”
Marketing Straplines Where Every. Single. Word. Is. A. New. Sentence. Told to Stop.
The agency responsible said, "Authentic. Disruptive. Quiver. Killer."
Intense. Weirdly. Intense. Banner. Ads. Selling. Bicycle. Saddles. Is. A. Bit. Too. Much.
It’s.
Just.
A. Saddle.
Author Info:
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Almost ended our relationship as apparently I was not taking it serious enough, we got out of the water 3rd to last. She made me pay for it, finished 5th in class, we were the first team without élite level cyclists.
Buying a tandem MTB was a fantastic thing for my wife and I, and it became the focus of our recreation and fitness activities for over a decade. We tried riding singles together, but there is just too much of a difference in what she will/can ride and what I can. We have had a few moments of conflict, but that's a part of any marriage and the positives outweigh the negative by miles. We started on gravel paths, like everyone does, moved to single-track, then started doing bike parks. We have done Telluride, Big Bear, Crested Butte, and Purgatory. We're now in our 60s and the possibility of breaking bones at our age has become a bigger deal so this summer we bought a tandem kayak, and as others have said, there are similar challenges and rewards.
If you think a tandem sounds like fun, TRY IT! If it ends your relationship, it was on the rocks anyway
When W< (Walter van Beirendonck) designed clothing, that looked like roadie bicycle clothing, and people did actually wear it as bicycle clothing. Some kind of meta - meta thing.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ninjaskin/shinguards
Honest question: When and why did knee/shin guards stop being a thing? Don't people smash their pedals and other stuff into their shins anymore? Maybe it's due to my riding style, but my shin guards have taken a serious beating over the years
Or riding clips avoid shin damage too
I think it depend, for some people it seams to be a mayor hassle, for other it happen rarely. As I ride dirtjump the most. It happens from time to time to me.
If you like the Kickstarter video, you probably like this one too https://youtu.be/ZcIyjLZqhgc
www.sportsdirect.com/sondico-flair-slip-shinguards-812016#colcode=81201601
@xxinsert-name-herexx - Yes, exactly what I mean. Thanks :-)
I recently finally switched from Shimano GR9s to the new Specialized 2FOs, and the difference is mind blowing. Don't cheap out on good rubber, people
A primary regret in life is never having bought a set of Roach pads
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ninjaskin/shinguards
They fit exactly to the shin. Thats why whe have 10 shapes. Because the shin ist not straight nor round, it can „lock“ und to the shin with a minimal amount of pressure. No good kneepads needet. Even tight pants are enough to keep them planted.
"Due to the pathological need for ever-increasing online rage, Pinkbike commenters now resort to picking fights with their own comments!"
[I downvoted you. you're welcome!]