What didn't happen this month?
Mountain Biker having a Hard Time Keeping Cool During Heatwave, Despite Ownership of Pit Vipers
Brad Braderson, of Bradner, BC doesn’t understand how he’s so hot when he looks so cool.
His current go-to set up involves a Ford F150, a North Shore bike rack, Stumpjumper Evo and Pit Vipers are doing little to stave off the heat.
“I just can’t take it” a beleaguered Braderson informed us, “I think I’m going to have to buy some DVO. It may just be the only way to keep cool.”
Orange Bikes Tell Everyone to “Piss off and Leave them Alone”
The UK bike manufacturer Orange has told everyone to “just piss off will you?” amid the release of their latest bike that doesn’t look all the much different from their previous models.
Orange head of sales Gareth Yoghurtbottom gave us the inside scoop “listen, we like our bikes! Is that so wrong? To like the thing that you make? All this about biscuit tins, cutlery draws and caravans… In the next breath everyone will moan about carbon refuse and further detachment the simple pleasure of riding bikes… listen, we like riding them and we think they’re great. There’s a pub near us that does excellent Yorkshire puddings and roast beef… do we want them to become a Japanese fusion restaurant? No! Not everything gets better the more it’s changed - have you ever even heard of mumble rap? Newer and worse, no? If you need us, we’ll be listening to Oasis and drinking blue WKDs.”
Avid Cycling Fan Pens Vivid Erotic Blog, Insisting Text Will Always be Superior to Video
Avid mountain biking fan Justin Timbersnake has announced that after growing frustrated with many video-only sites he intends to pen his own erotic blog that will in turn be supported by studio-quality photography.
Timbersnake explains that the benefits of text outweigh the cons in nearly every regard, it’s less data-intensive, more thorough plus it’s easier to be discreetly read at work. Timbersnake expanded he's only one reprimand away from a full disciplinary due to "Bluetooth confusion" in the office.
Timbersnake, who is also an account holder and regular commenter on mountain biking website MikeBike.com, is fed up with what he wants not being taken into consideration, with only 90% of articles being his preferred written word format.
"It's just not fair, why is only nearly everything on Mikebike in my preferred medium? Why not everything? I just feel so marginalised".
Purchase of Tandem Bicycle Actually Worsens Marital Problems
Nutella Johson and Freedom McClure have concluded their tandem experiment a failure and have officially separated. After a particularly fiery exchange in the Sea to Sky Corridor regarding whether a drop was rollable, the argument culminated in Mr. McClure sending a 4 minute voice message to his mother in law to tell her what he really thinks.
Mrs. Johnson after initially showing some frustration now seems relatively at ease. She told us “Firstly that thing was absolutely rollable, I just happened to marry a loser. And secondly, my mother does not have halitosis and an obsession with living vicariously through her children - and that’s a fact”.
It was originally Mr. McClure who, on the advice of Pinkbike user @hbar314
, ordered the $9000 custom full suspension tandem as a way to bring the couple closer together. “I thought it would be kind of cool - I was going to be the “engine room” and stare at my partner's bottom for hours on a Sunday morning… what could go wrong? Well, it turns out that she drags brakes and
has appalling line choice. That’s grounds for annulment in any country. And do you know what? I was dipping my heels!”
Mountain Biker Files $5 million Lawsuit Against Knee Pad Manufacturers For Neglect of Shins
Caca Mierda has filed a huge lawsuit against the kneepad industry for their chronic neglect of the shin area since 2008. Doctors have described the rider's shins as looking like "somebody tried to put a fire out with a fork” and “a perfect map of the night sky”.
“It’s just not right” Mierda told us “how can we live in a world where pedal pins are long enough to be used a prison shiv, some flat pedals shoes have rubber so hard and plasticy it could well be made of recycled Joan Rivers AND we don’t even have anything to protect our shins? The whole thing is a joke, I’ve resorted to borrowing my nephew’s Sondicos.”
“I don’t have much going on for me but my shins... they were like glorious monoliths that would make women swoon and make men weep with chastened envy. Men, women and goats alike lusted after these beautiful pins and now it's ruined. It's all ruined. The gross neglect of the kneepad industry has taken that away from me and I want payback.”
Marketing Straplines Where Every. Single. Word. Is. A. New. Sentence. Told to Stop.
Intense. Weirdly. Intense. Banner. Ads. Selling. Bicycle. Saddles. Is. A. Bit. Too. Much.