6 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry in July

Aug 5, 2021
by Henry Quinney  
Art by Taj Mihelich

What didn't happen this month?



Mountain Biker having a Hard Time Keeping Cool During Heatwave, Despite Ownership of Pit Vipers

Unbelievably, these didn't help.

Brad Braderson, of Bradner, BC doesn’t understand how he’s so hot when he looks so cool.

His current go-to set up involves a Ford F150, a North Shore bike rack, Stumpjumper Evo and Pit Vipers are doing little to stave off the heat.

“I just can’t take it” a beleaguered Braderson informed us, “I think I’m going to have to buy some DVO. It may just be the only way to keep cool.”



Orange Bikes Tell Everyone to “Piss off and Leave them Alone”

"Go and moan about it on Tiktok, nerd."

The UK bike manufacturer Orange has told everyone to “just piss off will you?” amid the release of their latest bike that doesn’t look all the much different from their previous models.

Orange head of sales Gareth Yoghurtbottom gave us the inside scoop “listen, we like our bikes! Is that so wrong? To like the thing that you make? All this about biscuit tins, cutlery draws and caravans… In the next breath everyone will moan about carbon refuse and further detachment the simple pleasure of riding bikes… listen, we like riding them and we think they’re great. There’s a pub near us that does excellent Yorkshire puddings and roast beef… do we want them to become a Japanese fusion restaurant? No! Not everything gets better the more it’s changed - have you ever even heard of mumble rap? Newer and worse, no? If you need us, we’ll be listening to Oasis and drinking blue WKDs.”



Avid Cycling Fan Pens Vivid Erotic Blog, Insisting Text Will Always be Superior to Video

Timbersnake is looking to self publish or seralise his work.
Avid mountain biking fan Justin Timbersnake has announced that after growing frustrated with many video-only sites he intends to pen his own erotic blog that will in turn be supported by studio-quality photography.

Timbersnake explains that the benefits of text outweigh the cons in nearly every regard, it’s less data-intensive, more thorough plus it’s easier to be discreetly read at work. Timbersnake expanded he's only one reprimand away from a full disciplinary due to "Bluetooth confusion" in the office.

Timbersnake, who is also an account holder and regular commenter on mountain biking website MikeBike.com, is fed up with what he wants not being taken into consideration, with only 90% of articles being his preferred written word format.

"It's just not fair, why is only nearly everything on Mikebike in my preferred medium? Why not everything? I just feel so marginalised".



Purchase of Tandem Bicycle Actually Worsens Marital Problems

The couple in pre-tandem times.

Nutella Johson and Freedom McClure have concluded their tandem experiment a failure and have officially separated. After a particularly fiery exchange in the Sea to Sky Corridor regarding whether a drop was rollable, the argument culminated in Mr. McClure sending a 4 minute voice message to his mother in law to tell her what he really thinks.

Mrs. Johnson after initially showing some frustration now seems relatively at ease. She told us “Firstly that thing was absolutely rollable, I just happened to marry a loser. And secondly, my mother does not have halitosis and an obsession with living vicariously through her children - and that’s a fact”.

It was originally Mr. McClure who, on the advice of Pinkbike user @hbar314, ordered the $9000 custom full suspension tandem as a way to bring the couple closer together. “I thought it would be kind of cool - I was going to be the “engine room” and stare at my partner's bottom for hours on a Sunday morning… what could go wrong? Well, it turns out that she drags brakes and has appalling line choice. That’s grounds for annulment in any country. And do you know what? I was dipping my heels!”



Mountain Biker Files $5 million Lawsuit Against Knee Pad Manufacturers For Neglect of Shins

"They... they were magnificent."
Caca Mierda has filed a huge lawsuit against the kneepad industry for their chronic neglect of the shin area since 2008. Doctors have described the rider's shins as looking like "somebody tried to put a fire out with a fork” and “a perfect map of the night sky”.

“It’s just not right” Mierda told us “how can we live in a world where pedal pins are long enough to be used a prison shiv, some flat pedals shoes have rubber so hard and plasticy it could well be made of recycled Joan Rivers AND we don’t even have anything to protect our shins? The whole thing is a joke, I’ve resorted to borrowing my nephew’s Sondicos.”

“I don’t have much going on for me but my shins... they were like glorious monoliths that would make women swoon and make men weep with chastened envy. Men, women and goats alike lusted after these beautiful pins and now it's ruined. It's all ruined. The gross neglect of the kneepad industry has taken that away from me and I want payback.”



Marketing Straplines Where Every. Single. Word. Is. A. New. Sentence. Told to Stop.

The agency responsible said, "Authentic. Disruptive. Quiver. Killer."

Intense. Weirdly. Intense. Banner. Ads. Selling. Bicycle. Saddles. Is. A. Bit. Too. Much.

It’s.

Just.

A. Saddle.


151 Comments

  • 238 2
 Ok, funny thing about tandems and relationships. The shop I worked at had a long time customer who had a long term girlfriend. He raced 24 hour endurance events, fit AF. She was a strong rider too, but not 24-hour-endurance level fit. Anyway, one winter they flew down to southern California for a week long tandem bike trip. Despite both being experience cyclists, they had never ridden a tandem before. So they get down there, rode a day, and the next she's on a plane back to canada. Relationship over. Our customer, being a champ, completed the tour on the tandem solo and then flew back alone. It takes a special kind of couple to ride a tandem together.
  • 420 1
 Whichever way your relationship is going a tandem will get it there faster.
  • 12 1
 @fabwizard: That's what usually happens when you have a stoker.
  • 9 1
 @fabwizard: relationship accelerator!
  • 19 1
 @fabwizard: I love this line. My version is “I don’t know where your relationship is going, but you’ll get there faster on a tandem!”
  • 31 1
 Divorce Machine
  • 12 1
 @owlie: This Machine kills relationships
  • 4 4
 Fuuuuuuuuuunny AF story. Lol. Under rated comment
  • 29 1
 Me and the wife rented a tandem in Victoria a few years back. At about 45 minutes in, the store called. No one had lasted more than about 20 minutes before returning it. Was a pretty steep learning curve, and a couple of 'moments' riding in traffic.
  • 36 1
 My wife, when she was my GF flew up to Alaska where I was living, to be honest we weren’t really in a relationship yet, anyways. This was October, so highs of 50s and constant drizzle. We rented a tandem, started calling it a “bike made for two” which turned into simply BB2. That was been a constant source of humor between us ever since. Shortly after that trip she quit her job and moved up to AK. That was 8 years ago. Been married five. Wherever your relationship is headed the BB2 will get you there fast.
  • 9 1
 @owlie: My now wife and I did an adventure race before we were married and one section was a tandem kayak. Those are called "divorce doubles".

Almost ended our relationship as apparently I was not taking it serious enough, we got out of the water 3rd to last. She made me pay for it, finished 5th in class, we were the first team without élite level cyclists.
  • 4 1
 This does not surprise me one bit. When I read that one my first thought "no chance this didn't actually happen"
  • 2 2
 @fabwizard: I haven’t laughed so hard from a pinkers comment till I read yours. Thanks
  • 7 1
 I don't need to try to ride a tandem with my wife to know how it would go. I already know how it goes in a canoe to know there is no way I will EVER hop on a tandem with her.
  • 2 1
 That's why we call it the Divorcycle
  • 3 1
 Relationship counselling services are now being offered by whoever the hell it was that always raced that tandem downhill bike on Telonics every year in Laguna. #relationshipgoals
  • 4 1
 @Sweatypants: I tried and failed to get my wife to agree to a tandem DH bike, she had some fairy excuse about already breaking her neck and not needing to do it again.
  • 5 0
 @edummann: Canoe? hell, just driving with mine is a relationship tester! (we have survived 30 years together though!)
  • 3 1
 My wife wants to get a tandem sea kayak. THIS is why nobody has.them in stock whenever I call around!
  • 8 1
 @edummann: If you don't want to, I'm happy to ride tandem with your wife.
  • 5 0
 I had a shop with a pretty nice store tandem me and my buddy would go for rips on. Key is to have the stronger rider in the back. It is more direct power. We would take turns but whoever was in the back was head down pedal and trust front not to put you into a wall. Front was like riding a ebike and focused on gearing and steering with minor assistance. We had a great time but it was important to know your roll if you want it to work especially for any real distance.
  • 2 0
 they don't call them divorcycles for nothing!
  • 2 0
 Same is true for tandem kayaks!
  • 2 0
 @Kmccann137: The "divorce makers" is what one guide referred to them. Turned to my gf - "You know you can just tell me you want to break up" - lol.
  • 2 0
 divorcycle
  • 1 1
 @fabwizard: best comment of the week man!
  • 2 1
 For a 2 seater tandem, 3's a crowd! Guess the other GF rode shotgun Big Grin
  • 3 0
 Lots of couples have this experience, but I want to offer the minority report.

Buying a tandem MTB was a fantastic thing for my wife and I, and it became the focus of our recreation and fitness activities for over a decade. We tried riding singles together, but there is just too much of a difference in what she will/can ride and what I can. We have had a few moments of conflict, but that's a part of any marriage and the positives outweigh the negative by miles. We started on gravel paths, like everyone does, moved to single-track, then started doing bike parks. We have done Telluride, Big Bear, Crested Butte, and Purgatory. We're now in our 60s and the possibility of breaking bones at our age has become a bigger deal so this summer we bought a tandem kayak, and as others have said, there are similar challenges and rewards.

If you think a tandem sounds like fun, TRY IT! If it ends your relationship, it was on the rocks anyway Razz
  • 2 0
 @theredbike: That is incorrect, the heaviest/strongest is usually the best in the front. power goes to the back wheel no matter where you are. Also a good stoker will feel the captains power and match it.
  • 1 0
 It takes a special kind of person to ride a tandem alone…
  • 1 0
 @fabwizard: the relationship accelerators
  • 2 0
 @thisispatrick: it’s a pretty slick way to pick up a date if they’re game.
  • 1 0
 @fabwizard: nope. Not if you have a good rider in both seats. Its ok though I wouldn't trust your wife upfront either. Stronger rider needs to focus on pedaling as hard as possible. Direct chain to the rear wheel also makes a huge difference. I've ridden alot of tandem with a bunch of people and that's my experience
  • 1 0
 @theredbike: This is true, i rode one with an ex-pro cyclist seated in front of me and the wattage that guy was putting out was making the tandem squirm and shake like crazy with each pedal stroke. it was a crazy experience, 1/10 will not do again.
  • 5 0
 @bicyclelifestyle: So no second date?
  • 70 0
 Hennerz I admire the satire. Keep it coming. Its a much needed antidote the industry bullshit we have to swallow to keep up to date with our hobby.
  • 8 0
 Great satire about PB comments too.
  • 52 2
 I don't have the skills to back up wearing Pit Vipers.
  • 46 5
 In the not so distant future, everyone is going to look back and cringe that they ever wore Pit Vipers. White Oakley Gascans are my cringe.
  • 49 0
 @loamfiend: Isn't that kind of the point though? They're so purposefully cringe that they circle back around to not cringe?
  • 11 0
 @Lineofbestfit: Yes. I feel bad when I see parents following that logic and giving their 6yr old boys ironic mullets. Poor kids have no idea of the cringe behind it, or the future embarrassment from looking back on mullet-ed photos
  • 23 19
 Here in the US we don't have to back up we just light a forest fire and drive through it
  • 4 1
 @loamfiend: anyone who was around in the 80s/90s has been cringing since these emerged from their pit. If you wear them I better be able to see your brass balls from space. And I will check.
  • 32 0
 Last week I saw a 50+ year old woman wearing a maga hat and pit vipers in a wal mart. Not sure what kind of skill she had.
  • 75 2
 @Austink: I'm sure she had huge skills, some of the biggest skills we've seen, probably ever.
  • 15 0
 @showmethemountains: It's fun to prank your kids. That's the price they pay for room and board.
  • 3 0
 @suspended-flesh: skills so good we wouldn’t even believe it.
  • 10 1
 @Austink: But, alas, one day they will be gone - just like that. Like a miracle.
  • 4 0
 Pretty easy to get the skillz for Pit Vipers.... Grow a Mullet.
  • 3 0
 @loamfiend: Do people wear pit vipers unironically? I know exactly what I'm getting in to when I wear mine. I feel like the gascan/oil rig thing was unironic, thus making it extremely cringey.
  • 4 0
 @loamfiend: I gave my 05 era white Gascans to a guy to wear ironically. He moved to Kamloops.
  • 24 3
 I like that people wear pit vipers, it lets me know we won’t get along before I have to talk to them.
  • 1 0
 @Austink: Maybe she was part of the disco bicycle clothing rage in the 90´s?
When W&LT (Walter van Beirendonck) designed clothing, that looked like roadie bicycle clothing, and people did actually wear it as bicycle clothing. Some kind of meta - meta thing.
  • 45 0
 I always think that Henry is going to run out of relevant hot takes and they just keep coming. What a legend.
  • 17 0
 He's the best addition to the PB team in years!
  • 24 0
 Caca Mierda will be always #2. Pipi Orina is #1.
  • 1 0
 Can't upvote this enough
  • 5 1
 There is a successful Brazilian racing driver named "Cacá Bueno", and he has actually been #1 a couple of times
  • 12 0
 Man, that shin guards thing, just as we started our campaign for the worlds best enduro shin guards. We don´t neglect ;-)

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ninjaskin/shinguards
  • 2 0
 Great promo video Big Grin

Honest question: When and why did knee/shin guards stop being a thing? Don't people smash their pedals and other stuff into their shins anymore? Maybe it's due to my riding style, but my shin guards have taken a serious beating over the years
  • 3 0
 @darrentheclaw: I used to hit my shins a LOT before. But since I've found the good flat pedal / shoes combo I kind of stopped loosing my pedals for no reasons (5:10 impact pro shoes + ANVL Tilt pedals).
Or riding clips avoid shin damage too Wink
  • 1 0
 @darrentheclaw: Thank alot, it was very much work, much more than we anticipated.

I think it depend, for some people it seams to be a mayor hassle, for other it happen rarely. As I ride dirtjump the most. It happens from time to time to me.

If you like the Kickstarter video, you probably like this one too https://youtu.be/ZcIyjLZqhgc
  • 1 3
 sorry to burst your bubble, but you can already buy these from sports Direct in the UK. Their called shin guards and some even have built in ankle protection......

www.sportsdirect.com/sondico-flair-slip-shinguards-812016#colcode=81201601
  • 2 0
 @kylefaichney: Ever had to use them for hockey or riding? They sit really low down as they are attached to the ankle and just don’t work. Most shinners are much higher up, just below the kneepads.
  • 3 0
 @kylefaichney: How many of them do you need to protect one shin? To be honest, you are not the first to say football(soccer) shin guards are just as good. But they a like a SID in your freerider. Yes, its a Fork, but its not for freeride. So yes, they are shinguard, but no, they are not realy good for riding. They are to small, don´t fit very well and may even slide around.

@xxinsert-name-herexx - Yes, exactly what I mean. Thanks :-)
  • 1 0
 @Jeannotlaride: I've also had the suspicion that my shoe-pedal-combo has something to do with it Big Grin
I recently finally switched from Shimano GR9s to the new Specialized 2FOs, and the difference is mind blowing. Don't cheap out on good rubber, people
  • 15 1
 A wise man once said: "Wherever your relationship is going, a tandem will get you there faster." :-)
  • 14 0
 @henryquinney I absolutely LOVE this segment. So funny. Keep. Up. Good. Work.
  • 4 0
 Can I support the shin neglect lawsuit? I am still wearing fox pads from 2002 that need to be replaced but there just isn't a good option that I have seen and not go full plastic storm trooper.

A primary regret in life is never having bought a set of Roach pads
  • 3 0
 I got some Sweet Protection knee/shins last year, they are definitely Roach2.0s…a bit hot for pedaling but mega coverage and overall I quite dig them. Check them out.
  • 1 0
 Maybe these would be, what you are looking for?

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ninjaskin/shinguards
  • 2 0
 @owl-X: Not bad! Expensive on the Euro conversion to CAD though! Thanks
  • 2 0
 @NinjaskinShinguards: Interesting. Rethinking things for sure. Would need to be a pretty bang on fit to avoid shaking out from under the knee pad at high speeds and kind of dependent on a good kneepad fit.
  • 2 0
 Football/soccer shin pads with knee pad combo? Never tried, just suggesting.
  • 1 0
 alpinestars knee shin protector, and g-form knee shin guards are both good options, i got the alpinstars ones and i couldnt be happier, comfortable, good sizing, and protective, i literally forgot i had them on
  • 1 0
 @ShawMac: Yes, iI think "bang on" is the scientific term for it :-) .

They fit exactly to the shin. Thats why whe have 10 shapes. Because the shin ist not straight nor round, it can „lock“ und to the shin with a minimal amount of pressure. No good kneepads needet. Even tight pants are enough to keep them planted.
  • 1 0
 @devlincc: They are often to short. And the few models that are nearly long enough, don´t fit very well, because of their simple shape. But they are a cheap alternative. Depends on what you want.
  • 1 0
 @ShawMac: Its not cheap here in Euroland either. We produce only a small amount and all manufacturing takes place in germany. We would like to offer it cheaper, but it is simply not possible.
  • 6 0
 mannnnn leave my girl Joan out of this, RIP
  • 7 3
 It is good to know that my Pit Viper glasses will annoy "real mountain bikers". Those people aren't much fun to ride with anyway.
  • 5 1
 Bike manufacturers realize prices have been going out of hand and wow to drop them so people can actually afford new bikes.
  • 3 0
 If you think tandems are hard to ride, just remember that paralyzed martyn ashton and blake sampson took one down A-line and actually aired it out.
  • 1 0
 I bought my wife a mountain bike a few years into our marriage. After our first ride I asked her what she thought: “I hated everything about it”. We never rode bikes together again and have been happily married for 46 years. Maybe it was the bikes’ fault. Early 80’s: fully rigid, 150mm stem, 73 degree seat and head angle, rim brakes, no such thing as a dropper. Now that I think about it, I hated everything about too.
  • 3 1
 Tandems are not good for every relationship, we’ve ridden a bunch on tandems, I finally got my wife an ebike and we’re both happier Smile
  • 3 0
 Imagine how many marriage's would be saved by the invention of the e-tandem...
  • 4 0
 Ahhhh oasis and blue wkds, those where the days.
  • 2 0
 Makes me feel old
  • 1 0
 25 years since Balloch Gig this week...... kicking back with Oasis and a bottle of MD20:20
  • 2 0
 Wtf is a WKD???
  • 2 0
 @tgent: It's an alcopop, if that helps?
  • 2 0
 @chakaping: Lol this must be some sort of Brittish thing... Alcopop? Never heard of that either. Is MD20:20 a WKD? We have those but honestly idk what type of alcohol it is.
  • 1 0
 @kylefaichney: mind a cheeky vimto, a blue wkd and a splash off red wine. Christ what a hangover haha
  • 1 0
 @TomsiR: Sir, not just red wine, but your grans best port or sherry chucked in!!! #rocketfuel #spew
  • 1 0
 @tgent: imagine the crack version of 2 buck chuck!
  • 2 0
 But they actually make those pads. Leatt 3DF Hybrid EXT. One of the best pads out there, 3DF foam knee shell, composite shin guard, three straps.
  • 1 0
 They look very bulky? Do you ever forget that you are wearing them? :-)
  • 3 0
 It’s “roast beef and Yorkshire pudding” btw, otherwise Orange news seems legit.
  • 1 0
 The WKD blue seems far fetched to me. Yorkshire bike makers would drink proper Yorkshire ale; Black Sheep, or Abbeydale.
  • 4 0
 @ROOTminus1: Clearly you've never been clubbing in Skipton
  • 2 0
 An old Halrey guy once told me.. if she's riding on the back you'll never hear the end of it. If she can ride her own, it'll set you both free. Best tandem logic ever.
  • 3 0
 Whatever you’re paying Henry, it should be more. Ace job on the paper, Taj.
  • 3 0
 I actually advised Mr. McClure to get a $9000 custom full suspension tandem AND a bicycling mistress.
  • 2 0
 Anyone else scroll back up to the top to check the banner ad after the last one? Just me?
  • 2 0
 Wait this is funny and I commented prior to reading.. everyone please downvote the above post to oblivion haha.
  • 8 0
 This could've made into the article!

"Due to the pathological need for ever-increasing online rage, Pinkbike commenters now resort to picking fights with their own comments!"

[I downvoted you. you're welcome!]
  • 1 0
 Oh man, that no videos, only written/text one, hits HARD. But, also gives me another idea of what I can do, while at work, of ya know what I mean ... Thanks Pinkbike!
  • 1 0
 Wait a minute. I saw a video with a guy named Henry Quinney bleeding brakes like an open heart surgeon!!! With an accent, like Australia or Belgium.
  • 1 0
 Got a tandem as a wedding gift, « broke up » withe the « friend » who offered the gift, sold the tandem, still married
  • 1 0
 Is it just me or is it hilarious that these fake articles are actually getting people upset. Everyone chill, it's mountain biking...
  • 3 0
 That wife is super hot.
  • 2 0
 a company made a e-dj!!!!!......oh wait that did happen
  • 1 0
 my friends say they will shun me if i get pit vipers because they're redneck glasses lol
  • 1 0
 Mtn biking has gotten over populated and boring. Please continue to bore us with over priced product.
  • 2 0
 More videos of rad dudes skidding around corners please.
  • 1 0
 Pit Vipers are going for the irony, what about Troy Lee who still goes with 90ies Guy Fieri style everything?
  • 2 0
 Bike. Yoke. Saddle. Ad.
  • 1 0
 need more of this, period
  • 16 0
 Said no woman ever.
  • 1 0
 Was PB aqured by the Onion? Love these newsworthy satire articles!
  • 1 0
 Not satire. Orange bikes really does want the ignorant nay sayers to Piss off!
  • 2 2
 How much did Pit Viper pay to get those hideous glasses at the top of this?
  • 8 1
 Nothing. Usually brands are annoyed to be in these articles but I think they're okay with it.
  • 2 0
 @brianpark: I guess Orange is ok with it too.
  • 2 0
 @cru-jones: I cannot imagine a legacy MTB brand with thicker skin than Orange at this point. Their negative-to-positive comment ratio on most sites is like 70-30, and they simply keep doing what they're doing, making incremental progress the whole time. I think that's cool.
  • 1 0
 "riding an e-bike increased my FTP"
  • 1 0
 Forgot the biggest news, Shimano delivered all the needed spares to shops
  • 1 0
 Is the New Knob Times Outdoor’s way of teasing a Pinkbike re-brand?
  • 1 0
 Is that guy really called "caca mierda" ? Wow
  • 1 0
 Friday fails did not happen by 4.30pm on Friday....
  • 1 0
 When can we expect to see a tandem bike field test?
  • 1 0
 Instantly googles MikeBike.com
  • 1 0
 *drawers
  • 6 6
 Forgot the headliner: "Pinkbike stays CORE and doesn't sell out!"
  • 1 0
 Classic
  • 2 2
 “Pink bike doesn’t require paid membership”
  • 1 0
 You're on fire Henry
  • 2 2
 Biting the style of Pinkish Bike?
  • 1 0
 Salsa powder keg haha.
  • 1 0
 Love the satire work!
  • 1 0
 This. Is. Hilarious.
  • 1 0
 "Caca Mierda"
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