Join us as we take a look at things that definitely didn't happen in the bicycle industry this month.
Man Doesn’t Ride Like Sam Hill, Irrespective of Pedals
Dustin Timbersnake, 38, of Ontario and a keen intermediate rider, was both shocked and dismayed to find out that changing between flats and clips doesn’t actually make that much difference to his riding.
An unnamed source close to Timbersnake stated that “Dustin has really hit rock bottom with this. He put all his eggs in one basket and thought flats would offer a transformative change. It’s hard to explain to him that what's actually holding him back is his lack of basic technique.”
Timbersnake was unavailable for comment but rumours suggest that he’s pinning all his hopes on magnetic pedals, and will take no steps to address his poor bike handling until every other avenue is explored.
Ignoring the ‘R/L’ of Socks Reduces Performance by up to 87%, says Big Sock
Concerning news this week as Big Sock representative Gareth Yoghurtbottom warned that riders are “letting themselves down” by not taking the time to make sure each sock is going on the correct foot.
Yoghurtbottom, who also has a background in Medium Upholstery, let on that most riders are “just giving 87% of sock performance away" by ignoring the simple Right and Left markings.
“Do you think we do it for fun? Do you think that we would do it if there weren’t colossal gains to be had? Of course not”. During the course of the somewhat rambling address. In addition to covering such topics as the “perfect toe-length-to-foot-size ratio,” Yoghurtbottom also made outlandish comments which covered many disciplines of cycling. “Armstrong? An orchestrated doping ring with a calculated sophistication the sport had never seen? Yes. Correctly orientated socks? Also yes! I mean, I know what I think made the bigger difference. Nico Voulliouz? He was the sock master! Sometimes, if he knew a course had more left turns than right he would double right-foot sock. The man’s a twisted genius but he always kept it very closely guarded."
"In our research, nearly 62% of instances where riders case jumps do so because they have their socks on the wrong way around.”
After Successful Lobbying by Bike Industry, Official Definition of “Affordable” Set to Change
After years of aggressive lobbying in the high literary circles of prestigious universities, the bike industry has finally been successful in its wish to officially change the definition of the word “affordable”. Both the Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries will take on the new meaning as of 2022.
The new meaning, which is yet to be completely settled upon, will convey that “affordable” now means, according to one anonymous lobbyist, that “it's like sort of, like affordable? Like, you can afford it, but also kind of, like, not? Like, you can buy it but, like, also, it’s hard to afford and that’s, like, you
know, okay? Like, you know, you can, like, buy it but, like, it’s quite hard and nobody is, like, angry? Y’know? Everyone is like, you know, we all gots [sic] to eat and everyone should be, like, chilled and stop trying to like, you know, harsh our vibe?”
In unrelated news, both universities now have fully sponsored eMTB cycling teams.
Son a Confirmed Absolute Loser After Family Ride
An Ohioan family has revealed that their son, 14 year old Dominic, is a confirmed absolute loser after he failed to impress on the family bike ride. The Oetker family were horrified to find that their son's riding failed to reflect any of the awe-inspiring stunts he insisted on showing them on the internet.
Dr Harry Oetker (no relation to the frozen-food titan) says that Dominic failed to even do anything close to a backflip and was happy to “essentially fall off a small log in an almost controlled fashion.”
Dr Oetker’s wife, confusingly enough also a doctor, is in a state of grief and has still come to terms with the fact that her son is an absolute loser. Dr Jasmine Oetker (again, no relation to the pizza people) said that it was the realisation that she would never have grandchildren that was most profound. “Honestly, Dominic can’t even wheelie and his little hop things were pathetic. It's been four days since our ride and my face still hurts from cringing at his attempted wheelies. Who will ever want to procreate with him? Nobody, that’s who! His riding is essentially the world's most potent contraceptive. What’s worse, is that a lot of Dom’s school friends were under the impression that he wasn’t an absolute loser. Naturally, I rang the school to inform them. I’m just glad my mother isn’t around to see this”.
CEO of YouTube Airs Cry for Help as Wheelie How-to Videos Dry Up Post-Lockdowns
Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of Youtube, gave an unguarded plea for the uptake of more Wheelie tutorials on the video uploading mega site. She explained that it’s been one of the biggest sources of revenue over the last 12 months.
Wheelie how-to videos, which make up 60% of the website's total traffic, have seen a shortfall in production as European riders can look to enjoying more riding as lockdown restrictions might potentially ease in the summer months. Wojcicki says that without the views, Youtube may have to increase the number of ads it shows—an unprecedented move they've never considered in the past.
“The views from wheelie videos built my house! Well, not my first house, or my second, those were because we don't pay much corporation tax. But wheelies built my third house!”
“We honestly never thought the absolute gold mine that is wheelie videos would never dry up but what if the rush is over? Maybe it’s for the best. We’re really hoping that the “bunny hop upsurge” that’s being touted by Wall Street will really deliver.”
Woman's 2014 Kona Operator Still Remains Unsold
A British woman has seen her £7000 evaluation of her bike not translate into a quick sale. The bike, a 2014 Kona Operator, utilises mismatched ‘custom’ componentry and fields seven different variants of anodised orange but is yet to find a buyer.
Hannah-Anna Pethrington, 24, from the West Midlands, feels that the right buyer is just around the corner. She explains “Well, I bought this bike second hand for £3000 four years ago. Since then, I’ve spent at least £1500 on new parts, but they were all second hand too so they were really worth more like £3000. I put them on, so you have to factor my labour in, and by my calculation that makes the bike worth around £7000ish. I would go down to six, at a push, but really, I can’t imagine a world where I don’t at least break even."
No fun Editor's note: I want to think we don't need to say this, but just in case, we're only joking.