8 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up
This article is a figment of Discount Lafoof III's imagination - and definitely none of it ever happened.
Mountain Biker Ruins Valentine's Day
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A mountain biker nearly ruined Valentine's day by disappearing behind a curtain to slip into something more comfortable only to return wearing Rapha trail pants and a $450 7Mesh jacket.
The unnamed rider reportedly shouted "10K breathability, and I'm still hot under the collar" before being asked to remove said items yet, rather curiously, to leave the knee pads and fanny pack on. Saucy!
Cycling Journalist Has the Nerve to Use Words to Describe Bike
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“How dare he? How dare he use the words?” This was the response of Justin Timbersnake to an article that described a bike with words.
“I want all articles to be cliche-free but also not using any descriptive language that I’m not personally familiar with. Calling a 140mm trail bike ‘slope-duro-cross’ in a tongue-in-cheek manner is absolutely despicable and plays into the bike industry’s hands on inane sub categorisation. I know I’m clearly really angry, but I also don’t take it seriously. Honest”.
“Do these so-called words mean nothing to the so-called author? Do they think they can just use descriptions and adjectives to talk about this bike? It’s an outrage. Yes - I want an article to be at least a fifteen-minute read, and yes I don’t want any repetitions - but don’t go thinking for one second that you can use any degree of imagination to talk about a bike that I have no interest in ever buying. You monster.”
Forcing Prisoners to watch MTB Vloggers Self Shot Video Achieves Similar Results as Waterboarding
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Officials at a dark-ops detention center have said that switching to Youtube Vlogs is far more effective than waterboarding ever was to elicit information from those suspects in custody.
A man going only by the name of Gareth Yoghurtbottom told us that they got forced confessions down to just the title roll of the “Ex Pro-ish Rider Gets Partner to Ride” series.
“Waterboarding would never yield this kind of results but just put on 'We Hit Up the Bike Park and You WON’T Believe What happened' and they’ll tell you or sign pretty much anything just of the threat of the sheer tedium continuing for another single second”.
Mike Bike Podcast Actually Just One Voice Actor Having a Bad Time
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Shock news this week as it’s revealed the Mike Bike Podcast isn’t actually a variety of goofballs but rather a highly trained voice actor having a serious breakdown.
Out-of-work actor Discount Lafoof III started riffing with characters on a WhatsApp voice note years ago, before being consumed by the story himself.
What started out as a weekend living as the Mikes, quickly became a full-time obsession as he began to introduce a rolling cast of characters. When asked for comment, Lafoof was in his Ike Ike Shevy persona and deleted the email without reading it.
Man Desperate to Say Something Mean About Velcro Shoes
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“Journalist” and Kettle Supervisor at Mike Bike, Lenny Quimby wants to rip into a new Velcro fastened model of the Freeriders but just can’t quite seem to work an angle on the needlessly sensible design and thought out choice.
Quimby, who wears exclusively miss-matched clothing, downhill-pants two sizes too small, a trials-inspired ¾ shell helmet and safety specs straight out of a high school woodwork lesson at all times, was initially concerned the shoes would make him look silly, before realising that shipped sailed long ago.
DT Swiss Memeing Themselves Sees Closure of Instagram Meme accounts
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DT Swiss’ intends to release a new remote lockout that has more levers than you do fingers. The 15-function lever will be shown at an upcoming trade show. The 15 functions include a lot of the things that are just too time-consuming to do yourself. One press of a button will see the silent operation of any number of tasks including, but not limited to degreasing and re-lubing your drivetrain, reorganising your shoe rack, unsubscribing from marketing emails that you have no interest in and booking the dentist yourself instead of getting your mum to do it even though you’re a 34-year-old man.
Head of Design at DT, Hannah Anna Pethrington explained that their customers were people who lived in the fast lane and didn’t have time for dead-end manual labor. “Our riders don’t have time to quibble over an incorrect online order or cancel their Amazon Prime themselves - that’s why we’re making levers for them so they can focus solely on the racing and going fast on canal towpaths.”
Meme account holder and full time incel, Maximillian Coffeepot, was reportedly dejected and announced the closure of his meme account saying “How can we better this? The release of this lever directly undermines the Instagram meme community. We can't compete with this".
White Riding Trousers Actually a Good Choice for Man Who Soiled Himself
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A set of often ridiculed white riding trousers provided the ultimate get out of jail free card this week after Justin Timbersnake shit himself before even getting to the mountain bike trails.
“Well”, Timbersnake explained “I was able to play something of a masterstroke. I just told people I had been out shredding in the slop already and they totally believed me. I just shook that sucker out my left leg and carried on with the ride! What a day!”
Company Making eMTB-Specific Mineral Water Simply Can't Understand the Ridicule
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Big Ron's Big Company just doesn't understand any level of the ridicule they're being subjected to for making and selling water for e-bikers. The liquid is made of a "homeopathic, lunar charged blend to give you more power on your e-dventures" and costs $9 dollars per 100ml. As far as anyone can work out, it's no different to water from the tap.
"Well, it is different," says CEO Big Ron Ronaldson (not the original Ron, there have been seven Rons between the founder and the Current CEO) "Firstly, it comes in biodegradable packaging, which is only marginally, or maybe significantly, worse than no packaging at all - we do this because we care. Secondly, it's not ridiculous, and if you think we're ridiculous because we can't see that it's ridiculous then you're ridiculous."
Mountain Biker Ruins Valentine's Day
"Look at the stretch around the knee!"
A mountain biker nearly ruined Valentine's day by disappearing behind a curtain to slip into something more comfortable only to return wearing Rapha trail pants and a $450 7Mesh jacket.
The unnamed rider reportedly shouted "10K breathability, and I'm still hot under the collar" before being asked to remove said items yet, rather curiously, to leave the knee pads and fanny pack on. Saucy!
Cycling Journalist Has the Nerve to Use Words to Describe Bike
Just because they exist don't think you can just go using them!
“How dare he? How dare he use the words?” This was the response of Justin Timbersnake to an article that described a bike with words.
“I want all articles to be cliche-free but also not using any descriptive language that I’m not personally familiar with. Calling a 140mm trail bike ‘slope-duro-cross’ in a tongue-in-cheek manner is absolutely despicable and plays into the bike industry’s hands on inane sub categorisation. I know I’m clearly really angry, but I also don’t take it seriously. Honest”.
“Do these so-called words mean nothing to the so-called author? Do they think they can just use descriptions and adjectives to talk about this bike? It’s an outrage. Yes - I want an article to be at least a fifteen-minute read, and yes I don’t want any repetitions - but don’t go thinking for one second that you can use any degree of imagination to talk about a bike that I have no interest in ever buying. You monster.”
Forcing Prisoners to watch MTB Vloggers Self Shot Video Achieves Similar Results as Waterboarding
He never stood a chance once the van conversion playlist started.
Officials at a dark-ops detention center have said that switching to Youtube Vlogs is far more effective than waterboarding ever was to elicit information from those suspects in custody.
A man going only by the name of Gareth Yoghurtbottom told us that they got forced confessions down to just the title roll of the “Ex Pro-ish Rider Gets Partner to Ride” series.
“Waterboarding would never yield this kind of results but just put on 'We Hit Up the Bike Park and You WON’T Believe What happened' and they’ll tell you or sign pretty much anything just of the threat of the sheer tedium continuing for another single second”.
Mike Bike Podcast Actually Just One Voice Actor Having a Bad Time
The puppets of "Shevy" and "Baz" are used to "make it more real".
Shock news this week as it’s revealed the Mike Bike Podcast isn’t actually a variety of goofballs but rather a highly trained voice actor having a serious breakdown.
Out-of-work actor Discount Lafoof III started riffing with characters on a WhatsApp voice note years ago, before being consumed by the story himself.
What started out as a weekend living as the Mikes, quickly became a full-time obsession as he began to introduce a rolling cast of characters. When asked for comment, Lafoof was in his Ike Ike Shevy persona and deleted the email without reading it.
Man Desperate to Say Something Mean About Velcro Shoes
"Just because I don't have anything funny to say doesn't mean I couldn't say something really funny at any moment... except this one."
“Journalist” and Kettle Supervisor at Mike Bike, Lenny Quimby wants to rip into a new Velcro fastened model of the Freeriders but just can’t quite seem to work an angle on the needlessly sensible design and thought out choice.
Quimby, who wears exclusively miss-matched clothing, downhill-pants two sizes too small, a trials-inspired ¾ shell helmet and safety specs straight out of a high school woodwork lesson at all times, was initially concerned the shoes would make him look silly, before realising that shipped sailed long ago.
DT Swiss Memeing Themselves Sees Closure of Instagram Meme accounts
The current version's 3 levers will soon be eclipsed by the 15-actuation option.
DT Swiss’ intends to release a new remote lockout that has more levers than you do fingers. The 15-function lever will be shown at an upcoming trade show. The 15 functions include a lot of the things that are just too time-consuming to do yourself. One press of a button will see the silent operation of any number of tasks including, but not limited to degreasing and re-lubing your drivetrain, reorganising your shoe rack, unsubscribing from marketing emails that you have no interest in and booking the dentist yourself instead of getting your mum to do it even though you’re a 34-year-old man.
Head of Design at DT, Hannah Anna Pethrington explained that their customers were people who lived in the fast lane and didn’t have time for dead-end manual labor. “Our riders don’t have time to quibble over an incorrect online order or cancel their Amazon Prime themselves - that’s why we’re making levers for them so they can focus solely on the racing and going fast on canal towpaths.”
Meme account holder and full time incel, Maximillian Coffeepot, was reportedly dejected and announced the closure of his meme account saying “How can we better this? The release of this lever directly undermines the Instagram meme community. We can't compete with this".
White Riding Trousers Actually a Good Choice for Man Who Soiled Himself
The removable goggle wipe in the pocket didn't stand a chance.
A set of often ridiculed white riding trousers provided the ultimate get out of jail free card this week after Justin Timbersnake shit himself before even getting to the mountain bike trails.
“Well”, Timbersnake explained “I was able to play something of a masterstroke. I just told people I had been out shredding in the slop already and they totally believed me. I just shook that sucker out my left leg and carried on with the ride! What a day!”
Company Making eMTB-Specific Mineral Water Simply Can't Understand the Ridicule
The bottles are left under a full moon to harvest the lunar energy that e-bikers need.
Big Ron's Big Company just doesn't understand any level of the ridicule they're being subjected to for making and selling water for e-bikers. The liquid is made of a "homeopathic, lunar charged blend to give you more power on your e-dventures" and costs $9 dollars per 100ml. As far as anyone can work out, it's no different to water from the tap.
"Well, it is different," says CEO Big Ron Ronaldson (not the original Ron, there have been seven Rons between the founder and the Current CEO) "Firstly, it comes in biodegradable packaging, which is only marginally, or maybe significantly, worse than no packaging at all - we do this because we care. Secondly, it's not ridiculous, and if you think we're ridiculous because we can't see that it's ridiculous then you're ridiculous."
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Quote of the year. Wannabe YouTubers - please f*ck off with your clickbait shite.
I think they are eBike ready.
f*ck bikes, Henry should do comedy!