9 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry This Month
Art by Taj Mihelich
Join us as we take a look at things that definitely didn't happen in the bicycle industry this month.
Sam Hill Voluntarily Hands Over EWS titles After Local Shredder Takes KOM
Freedom McClure leads the pack out on another KOM bloodbath.
Multiple cross-discipline world champion Sam Hill reports this week that he’s happy to give it all away, including all medals and transferring sponsorship deals, after a local rider Freedom McClure, beats his home-town KOM.
The trail, which Sam rode five years ago on his hardtail as a medium tempo recovery between intervals, is to be renamed “McClure For Sure” in Freedom’s honour. The time on the track, which incidentally recently had all technical features removed as well as being drastically widened, sent shockwaves around the world. Reports say that knowing what he’s up against, Martin Maes decided there and then to retire and drank a pint of ice cream straight from the tub.
The trail, which Sam rode five years ago on his hardtail as a medium tempo recovery between intervals, is to be renamed “McClure For Sure” in Freedom’s honour. The time on the track, which incidentally recently had all technical features removed as well as being drastically widened, sent shockwaves around the world. Reports say that knowing what he’s up against, Martin Maes decided there and then to retire and drank a pint of ice cream straight from the tub.
Jesse Melamed, YouTube sensation and occasional EWS racer, has sought out legal action and hopes to form a rider’s union banning McClure from the sport. His representative told us “what people want is competition, fair and honest competition. We can’t have this forty-three-year-old beer-gutted welder on a 2009 Giant Trance come and put one hundred and five seconds into these riders week in week out. It will be terrible for the sport. Fairytales like that don’t exist in the real world. It’s not Flashdance, for goodness sake.”
Leading Economists Baffled After Specialized Release Two eMTBs Which are Simultaneously "Too Expensive" and "Sell Out Too Quick"
"It just doesn't make sense."
The London School of Economics agrees it doesn’t know what the hell is going on with Specialized’s e-bikes.
Professor Mogfoganall, chief lecturer of domestic economics at the university told us “So, it’s a strange one. Clearly, a bicycle shouldn’t cost 15,000 dollars… but at the same time, they’re all sold out. Normally, this would mean that they’re worth it to the person buying them… but 15 grand? You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?”
His esteemed colleague, Nutella Johnson echoed his comments. She added, “it’s obviously very hard for us, as a place of learning. Do we tear up and disown the syllabus we’ve not only been teaching for 30 years, but also one that we’re incredibly proud of, or do we admit that a bike costing 15,000 dollars is worth it?”
The university today announced a ceremonial book burning and a dissolution of its curriculum. The posters, titled “the old ways are dead” seem to suggest that, no matter how many or how quickly they sell, an e-bike will paradoxically never be worth that amount of money.
John Maynard Keynes, who's been dead for 70 years, could not be reached for comment in time for publication. His great-nephew, however, told us to "leave him alone". We'll report on this story as it develops and whether in fact, he will find success as he tries to issue a restraining order against us.
SatanicGreed Debut New Stick on Idler and Elliptical Carbon Jockey Wheels
Zoom press launches are great and I for one hope they stay long after covid.
The “speed demons of cycling” SatanicGreed, have now released their latest in aftermarket performance.
First up, there is their Stick on Idler (SOI™). This can be cable tied anywhere on your chainstay to bring your bike bang up to date with the latest trends. Each idler will include a sticker kit collection, so you can really drive the message home that you're definitely a pinner.
They also release their premium carbon fiber elliptical jockey wheels (PCFEJW™). During their online press release, which was led by industry shill and famed winker Gareth Yoghurtbottom, there seemed to be some confusion as to whether Mr Yogurtbottom was winking or actually had something in his eye. When asked if he was okay he said “no” but then winked. The area of the press release referring to performance gains was also suitably wink-littered. “It actually makes a difference wink”. Yoghurtbottom asserted that if you don't believe him that they're "game-changing wink" you can "ask one of our paid athletes, they'll tell you the truth wink".
Bike Company Breaks Mould with PR Campaign of Modest Claims Presented Clearly
Sigourney Beaver doesn't even have a personal Instagram account. Ew, gross.
Dooper Bikes, a small bicycle manufacturer based in the UK, has shocked the industry with its detailed launch plans. Rumours swirl that the release of their new 140mm full suspension will not include a video, orchestrated social media campaign, forum astroturfing, or even so much as a hint of social activism.
Sigourney Beaver, the head of their small operation was steadfast under the quickfire questioning of the world's watching media.
Asked why she wasn’t going to try and create an evocative, ambitious video that gave the viewer erstwhile feelings of outdoor pursuits and coffee making she simply responded “I just like making bikes.”
Industry insiders and casual onlookers alike were both shocked and dismayed at her suggestion they might merely “make some t-shirts at some point”.
When pressed whether she could explain what the bike represented and meant to her personally she absurdly claimed that she “just made the bike she wanted to ride” and said that “users could project their own meaning and romanticism onto their own possessions, should they wish” but the bike was “primarily just a bike”.
Sigourney Beaver, the head of their small operation was steadfast under the quickfire questioning of the world's watching media.
Asked why she wasn’t going to try and create an evocative, ambitious video that gave the viewer erstwhile feelings of outdoor pursuits and coffee making she simply responded “I just like making bikes.”
Industry insiders and casual onlookers alike were both shocked and dismayed at her suggestion they might merely “make some t-shirts at some point”.
When pressed whether she could explain what the bike represented and meant to her personally she absurdly claimed that she “just made the bike she wanted to ride” and said that “users could project their own meaning and romanticism onto their own possessions, should they wish” but the bike was “primarily just a bike”.
In response, a competing Brand Manager laid out an absolute steamer on the carpet at a family Christening, claiming success in his bid to provoke discussion and subvert expectations.
Bike Shop Throws Used SRAM Double Crankset Into Baying Mob, Unintentionally Instigates Fight to the Death
Grim news from Washington DC this week as we hear about one death and four serious maimings as a crowd of componentry-lust-drunk cycling enthusiasts turned violent.
The riot happened as Todd “The Bod” Beckingham tried to quell the unrest of a baying and irritable crowd outside his place of work, the Spoke ‘n’ Wheel bike shop, by throwing them a worn crankset with one of his magnificently shaped biceps.
“I was just trying to help” The Bod candidly told us in a conciliatory tone “I didn’t realise they would make weapons out of the parts they were hoping to warranty. I’ve never considered a cracked fixie frame to be an implement of destruction but I now realise how foolish I was”.
Asked what he thinks these people want The Bod informed us “mainly rock hard abs, but also bicycle things too”.
The riot happened as Todd “The Bod” Beckingham tried to quell the unrest of a baying and irritable crowd outside his place of work, the Spoke ‘n’ Wheel bike shop, by throwing them a worn crankset with one of his magnificently shaped biceps.
“I was just trying to help” The Bod candidly told us in a conciliatory tone “I didn’t realise they would make weapons out of the parts they were hoping to warranty. I’ve never considered a cracked fixie frame to be an implement of destruction but I now realise how foolish I was”.
Asked what he thinks these people want The Bod informed us “mainly rock hard abs, but also bicycle things too”.
It wasn't long before the police got involved.
Mountain Bike Reviewer Spills the Beans on His Dollar-Per-Comma Writing Deal
Lenny Quimby, 29, from Stratford-upon-Avon, England, UK, Europe, spills the beans, tells the lot, gives the scoop, etc., on his wage, and how he justifies his, dare we say unneeded, reliance, nay addiction, to the comma.
He could, or in fact, in actuality does, earn reasonable, or dare I say fair, amounts of money, which you could also refer to as large sums of cash, or indeed just say money, for the misuse use of commas, as well as other punctuation faux-pas's, which also means bad, a blunder, a misjudgment or, one could even argue, an indiscretion.
Quimby, this week, Late May 2020, confirmed that, an editor, such as he, was on a base wage, so essentially nothing, but earnt five pounds, which is the UK currency, for every comma used; and twenty for every misused semicolon.
Quimby claims it’s high time, which he infers is now, that he made his lack of education pay.
Two Mountain Bikers Look Back on the Small Exchange That Kickstarted a Decade of Mutual Hatred
When you don't just hate the player, but also the game, and really really hate the player.
To casual on lookers Justin Timbersnake and Daniel Shedinafield seem to be one and the same. They both enjoy spending time with their families, both enjoy riding bicycles in the great outdoors and both claim to have had a rich and varied career in each and every field of engineering, but that doesn’t paint the full picture.
It was ten years ago that a simple exchange regarding a review on a 2012 Rockshox Revelation caused a decade of mutual hatred and mountain biking’s very own cold war.
It was ten years ago that a simple exchange regarding a review on a 2012 Rockshox Revelation caused a decade of mutual hatred and mountain biking’s very own cold war.
Shedinafield recounts similar times. “JustJustin69” (Timbersnake) isn’t a bad guy you know… he’s an absolutely terrible one and I hate him. You do realise he doesn’t even understand the basics of twin tube damping! I work as a shop assistant in re… really exciting big engineering jobs. “Shop assistant” is an industry term, it means… I shop for expensive and nice engineering things for… the US military.”
Something Still Going on with Wiggle
Something is still going on with Wiggle, the online retailer. We’re not quite sure what, nobody is, but it’s something.
Our business expert, Ulysses Washbrook VII, who insists he actually understood the film The Big Short, can confirm that it’s something to do with it being partners with Chain Reaction, but also potentially not. He doesn’t think it’s got anything to do with Evans Cycles, but who knows? Maybe that thing with Mavic will come into play. There are many moving pieces in this one. Washbook can however enlighten us that Signa Sports and Sigma Sports are different companies, which will be revelatory to many.
Our business expert, Ulysses Washbrook VII, who insists he actually understood the film The Big Short, can confirm that it’s something to do with it being partners with Chain Reaction, but also potentially not. He doesn’t think it’s got anything to do with Evans Cycles, but who knows? Maybe that thing with Mavic will come into play. There are many moving pieces in this one. Washbook can however enlighten us that Signa Sports and Sigma Sports are different companies, which will be revelatory to many.
If our latest efforts are inconclusive, we will be offering a bounty to help us get to the bottom of this mystery.
Hardtail Rider’s Desire to Be Counter-Cultural at Risk of Being Eclipsed By Back Pain
Taking the easy way is for suckers, and besides, it doesn't teach you the basic skills that you may never need again.
Ryan Lark, of British Columbia, today announces that he will get spinal column surgery if needed, but he’s never abandoning his hardtail.
“The hardtail is the perfect bike for the job. On it, you can feel the terrain. Every bump… every goddamn bump. All the time. It’s not painful, it’s fun and cool. Besides, since the epidurals it's way better”.
Lark, who also is known for eating his soup with a fork “for the challenge”, is convinced that a steel hardtail is the best tool for the job, even though when not on group rides, and under the cover of darkness, he often takes out his 170mm travel enduro bike.
“The hardtail is the perfect bike for the job. On it, you can feel the terrain. Every bump… every goddamn bump. All the time. It’s not painful, it’s fun and cool. Besides, since the epidurals it's way better”.
Lark, who also is known for eating his soup with a fork “for the challenge”, is convinced that a steel hardtail is the best tool for the job, even though when not on group rides, and under the cover of darkness, he often takes out his 170mm travel enduro bike.
“Hardtails reward you more, and that’s a fact. Now, I have a deeply rewarding relationship with my physio and I’m in a rewarding relationship with my local cafe where I go for a nice sit down between runs. Christ alive, the pain is just… fine. It’s not a big deal and I look cool”.
Author Info:
Must Read This Week
Sign Up for the Pinkbike Newsletter - All the Biggest, Most Interesting Stories in your Inbox
PB Newsletter Signup
Thanks Pinkbike.
Full rigid use a tooth pick
Thanks for this @henryquinney, it was fantastic.
I appreciate this article, and all the comments after it.
Glad to see you’ve found a place amongst mtbing press after GMBN, you were good there as well
@brianpark you might want to reconsider the photo used here before it lands the site in hot shit.
Oh you poor soul.
"KURWA"
They've got it backwards unfortunately. 80% of enduro super sleds are going to riders lucky to roll green trails without dabbing. If we let MTB become a challenging activity those dollars will be skilled out of the market!
Turns out the suspension guys were framed. It was actually a bunch of actors hired by E-bike program managers to make it harder to carry momentum. One program manager was present at the work site and successfully passed himself as the head of DVO, but was sacked within hours when his co-conspirators found out he had physically lifted a shovel himself. "If we let physical labor lose it's stigma then people might consider climbing hills under their own power" said an anonymous source present at the event.
#Hayek4Lyfe