Ten Commandments of Heckle Rock... Crankworx 2013

Aug 19, 2013
by Danielle Baker  
First racer for the pro woman s category Kirby Mclean.
  First racer for the pro woman's category, Kirby Mclean.

Crankworx used to end with a bang, and then a fizzle. After the big event on Saturday, the Canadian Open always felt like a bit of an after thought; something to watch from the GLC patio while sipping Caesars and nursing a vicious hangover. That was until a shirtless and half-cut Moses descended on the racecourse and a new sport was born; Heckling. Yesterday morning a mob of nearly-nude-never-nudes showed up to Heckle Rock early for the best vantage points like they were getting in line for T Swift concert tickets. Beer bongs, booze and boobs were unloaded as the crew settled in and prepared to enlighten the world of downhill racing. With them they brought a new set of rules, new wisdom and the ten commandments of Heckle Rock.

Micayla Gatto on the top section of the course. She gave it her all but had to settle for fourth.
  Micayla Gatto on the top section of the course. She gave it her all, but had to settle for fourth.

Claire Buchar racing her way to a second place for pro woman.
  Claire Buchar racing her way to a second place for pro woman.

Crankworx 2013

Thou shalt make unto thee cardboard signage.
Recycling bins village wide have been pillaged for the purpose of deep and meaningful communication. Spectators of the spectators are enlightened by messages like “Tits out for the boys”, “I’m fack’d”, “Railing Ruts and Nailing Sluts”, and “Worst Ski Comp Ever”. By Sunday many of the signs are showing the wear and tear of a multitude of event appearances and like their owners they starting to show the physical stress of a week at Crankworx. Deeper meanings are left to the viewers to decipher, but trust us they are there.

Barreling into Heckler s Rock. Scary as shit.
  Barreling into Heckler's Rock. Scary as shit.

Though shalt brandish chainsaws and beer bongs.
You need the right tools to get the job done. Flasks, beer bongs, chainsaws, Mad Max-esque hats, capes, and anything that you can bang together, are necessary to contribute to the Heckler’s Rock experience. Showing up without props would be like showing up to a gunfight with a knife and showing up without a bra on, well that is like playing boobie roulette.

Heckler s Rock mayhem makers.
  Heckler's Rock mayhem makers.

Though shalt give thy neighbor shit.
No one is safe from the Hecklers on Heckle Rock. While harassing the racers is their ultimate goal, they are easily distracted like monkeys who have forgotten their Ritalin, zeroing in on shiny things that need to be yelled at. Riders passing overhead on the lift were subjected to chants politely requesting public displays of affection and photographers scaling the lift towers for better shots found themselves dodging empty beer cans. With the inebriation of the crowd the only time you were safe from getting knocked in the head with a tin missile was if they were aiming for you. Rather than being offensive, being heckled is a badge of honor, much like a group roast, it comes from a place of love.

The heckled heckling back. This racer pulled over mid-run pulled out a beer and sprayed the hecklers. Take that
  The heckled heckling back. This racer pulled over mid-run, pulled out a beer and sprayed the hecklers. Take that!

Though shalt covet better free shit.
The occasional chair would go over on the lift with riders dropping free swag, like supply drops in a warzone. “Better free shit” became the popular chant whenever the cowbells pinging off their drunken domes did not meet their standards. There may have been more competitive attempts to get at it had the crowd not already realized their own dulled wits and slow response times. The wheels turned but self-preservation kept most from crowding across the racecourse and becoming road kill on their way to a free water bottle.

 No shirts on the rock ... No shirts on the rock .
  "No shirts on the rock!"..."No shirts on the rock!"

Cameron Porteous coming in hot.
  Cameron Porteous coming in hot.

Though shalt not f*ck up.
The rock does not have security, only a few brave and shirtless volunteers. Only course-marking tape keeps the crowd from playing Frogger with oncoming racers and yet, as wild as it gets, the crowd polices themselves. As people stagger forward rubbery arms are thrown out to corral them back in. Even a foot over the tape will get you a glazed-eyed headshake and a tug back into the crowd. When you do f*ck up you are judged and judged harshly. For example, taking a slow motion header off the rock, tracking the race run with your face on the way down will get you a supportive chant from the crowd of “You f*cked up, you f*cked up!”

Letting it all hang out on race day is a Crankworx tradition. Some take it a little too literally.
  Letting it all hang out on race day is a Crankworx tradition. Some take it a little too literally.

Shirts off on the rock.
‘Rules on the Rock: Shirts Off!’ read a sign posted high on the lift tower. While the male contingent is much more enthusiastic about this rule, the odd few girls will comply. In little pockets of privacy behind trees you will find girls adjusting bras and bathing suit tops for full coverage before ditching their shirts, not yet drunk enough to not care. Tradition is tradition but given the early morning jockeying for positions at the rock and the less than cooperative weather there were a lot of hard man nipples and luckily no cases of hypothermia.

Nothing like smashing through a swath of sex and booze while racing your ass off. Not your average DH race. Dan Sheridan getting the Canuck treatment at the Canadian Open DH.
  Nothing like smashing through a swath of sex and booze, while racing your ass off. Not your average DH race. Dan Sheridan getting the Canuck treatment at the Canadian Open DH.

Robert Fraser from Pickering Ontario getting the all-star heckle treatment.
  Robert Fraser from Pickering Ontario, getting the all-star heckle treatment.

Thou shalt not commit adultery but copping a feel is totally cool.
Sometimes racers need a pit stop or an aid station along the way. The Canadian Open may be the only DH race that encourages racers to take a break on course, throw down some dance more, take a hit on the beer bong and grab a handful of boob before getting back on the bike and finishing the race. At the end of the day, if you are not going to win the race, you might as well win at life.

Mmmmm drop.
  Mmmmm drop.

Mangina is the new Vagina.
And male nudity is the new norm. It would seem that the naked male form is a very accepted and encourage addition to downhill racing. Perhaps men are hoping for a monkey-see-monkey-do reaction from their female counterparts, but whatever their motivation there is only one rule to their streaking, no wieners. Whether they are hidden behind goggles or tucked between their legs, dicks are still taboo. Men dropping their drawers are about as trendy as shirtless women at Woodstock and while it is decidedly less sexual it is a lot more humorous.

Rocked right out on the Canadian Open DH track.
  Rocked right out on the Canadian Open DH track.

Crankworx 2013
Chris Kovaric charging at the Candian Open.
  Chris Kovaric charging at the Candian Open.

Loic Bruni sailing into a third place finish.
  Loic Bruni sailing into a third place finish.

Coming in hot turkey. Stevie Smith bouncing his way to victory at the Canadian Open.
  Coming in hot turkey. Stevie Smith bouncing his way to victory at the Canadian Open.

Stevie Smith is God. Thou shalt have no other God before him.
Last one down, local hero and king of the terrible mustache; there are many reasons to love Stevie Smith and the crowd did. Chanting his name, spraying their beers and collectively losing their minds. The partiers immediately took over the course after he passed through with further chants about tits out and shirts off until word reached up the mountain that Stevie had won. They erupted with cheers and dozens of drunk people rallied down the racecourse on foot, presumably to congratulate Stevie in person, lay flowers at his feet and build a golden idol in his image.

Stevie Smith. Winner
  Stevie Smith takes the win.

Stevie Smith always one to get a shot for his fans.
  Stevie Smith, always one to get a shot for his fans.

Today s big winners of the Canadian Open DH. Steve Smith Mik Hannah and Sam Blenkinsop.
  Today's big winners of the Canadian Open DH. Steve Smith, Mick Hannah, and Sam Blenkinsop.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Above all else the Sabbath day should be kept holy. Any Sunday that you have an excuse to take your shirt off, slather on body paint and hand down judgment from up high, get out there and get it done!

Posted In:
Stories Crankworx


Author Info:
daniellebaker avatar

Member since May 10, 2007
235 articles

52 Comments
  • 113 4
 It's funny how opposite my photos are to Margus. www.flickr.com/photos/randomsaint/sets/72157635037468812
  • 59 0
 Your photos are epic!
  • 10 91
flag jonnycanfield (Aug 19, 2013 at 17:27) (Below Threshold)
 @seanstdenis stop spamming your photos!!!!!
  • 12 0
 Some good ones in there!
  • 21 1
 Are you just upset that I don't have any slowmo video?
  • 38 1
 That and they will never post any of my pictures as I'm not one of their paid photographers. Just a little fish trying to make it somewhere. You don't like it don't look.
  • 7 0
 Kick ass set!
  • 12 1
 seanstdenis....Sweeeeeet pics dude. You're an artist. You really captured the essence of not just the racing, but the mountains and culture really well in your pics.
Walk your own path man Smile
  • 9 1
 Seanstdenis, awesome album! Tons of props.
  • 6 0
 really good shit bro.
  • 5 0
 Great shots Sean and Margus. Thanks again Sean for being so accommodating to us when we were there, you and the other guys at Summit are top notch! I still owe you lunch and ill make good next year bud!
  • 4 0
 awesome photos Sean!
  • 1 0
 second pic of the crowd, second guy in from the bottom left: Tyler Klassen?
  • 2 0
 our photos have better color, light, and some better angles/drama as well... keep on!
  • 2 0
 wicked photos, what camera did you use?
  • 2 0
 Canaon 5d mkii with a Nikon 14mm lens with adaptor for most. thus the crazy colors. the lens takes in a ton of color compared to my other lens.
  • 15 0
 Isnt that sam blenkinsop and not loic bruni in 3rd place?
  • 14 1
 was hoping that one of those slooots was gonna flash the camera
  • 4 0
 I saw what I wanted to see Smile
  • 11 1
 lets face it: nooooo boooobbbs.
  • 10 4
 While I'm sure it was a sight to behold... Something about 300 half naked drunk flat billed Bros with 2 chicks mixed in does not sound appealing. Must of had to be there.
  • 21 0
 Oh bless you child, may our lord Stevie Smith guide you and show you the error of your ways.
  • 3 1
 I'm just so damn happy people have started taking chainsaws up there. I haven't been able to go to Crankworx for the past 2 years after ran up the mtn revving my saw that I brought all the way from Texas, so it's awesome to see other people doing it.

Here's me from way back when in 2011.

www.pinkbike.com/photo/9989798
  • 2 0
 I remember you chainsaw Geoff! You were a hero for dragging that saw up there, such a good moment when grimreaper got his hands on it!
  • 1 0
 Almost as good as when we gave it Tippie! That was a fucking awesome day. I'm going to try to be there next year.
  • 11 5
 sausage fest
  • 18 3
 Uhhhh... Welcome to downhilling, detective noob.
  • 11 1
 I award you one internet, sir.
  • 5 2
 I like seein the women a bit more myself...
  • 5 0
 Who doesnt like women on DH bikes!?
  • 24 1
 Elton John doesnt!
  • 2 0
 Such a sick event!! Props to Stevie smith for taking the win!!
  • 2 0
 rentals. rentals. rentals........GO HOME!
  • 2 0
 What a proud and Nobel Buchanan of DH fans we are......
  • 1 0
 The two articles on the hecklers have been my favorite two articles ever on pb!
  • 3 0
 Haha funny article
  • 1 0
 Typing on cell phone sometimes go wrong.. suck my dick... im spelling well dick?
  • 2 1
 fucking loose something u have to experience
  • 1 0
 Buchanan ..... dam auto correct..... Bunch of.......
  • 1 0
 Great pics and stories. I need a beer bong !
  • 1 0
 Are you an english teacher?
  • 1 0
 If i spell wrong I give a shit
  • 1 0
 marcus riga = too much vsco in lightroom brah
  • 1 1
 Hecklers Rock......tits or GTFO
  • 1 0
 Kovaric??? WTF?
  • 1 0
 Oh Canada. ....
  • 1 4
 Nice article but the slangs ate hardnto understand
  • 3 0
 just like your english
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