Crankworx used to end with a bang, and then a fizzle. After the big event on Saturday, the Canadian Open always felt like a bit of an after thought; something to watch from the GLC patio while sipping Caesars and nursing a vicious hangover. That was until a shirtless and half-cut Moses descended on the racecourse and a new sport was born; Heckling. Yesterday morning a mob of nearly-nude-never-nudes showed up to Heckle Rock early for the best vantage points like they were getting in line for T Swift concert tickets. Beer bongs, booze and boobs were unloaded as the crew settled in and prepared to enlighten the world of downhill racing. With them they brought a new set of rules, new wisdom and the ten commandments of Heckle Rock.
Thou shalt make unto thee cardboard signage.Recycling bins village wide have been pillaged for the purpose of deep and meaningful communication. Spectators of the spectators are enlightened by messages like “Tits out for the boys”, “I’m fack’d”, “Railing Ruts and Nailing Sluts”, and “Worst Ski Comp Ever”. By Sunday many of the signs are showing the wear and tear of a multitude of event appearances and like their owners they starting to show the physical stress of a week at Crankworx. Deeper meanings are left to the viewers to decipher, but trust us they are there.
Though shalt brandish chainsaws and beer bongs.You need the right tools to get the job done. Flasks, beer bongs, chainsaws, Mad Max-esque hats, capes, and anything that you can bang together, are necessary to contribute to the Heckler’s Rock experience. Showing up without props would be like showing up to a gunfight with a knife and showing up without a bra on, well that is like playing boobie roulette.
Though shalt give thy neighbor shit. No one is safe from the Hecklers on Heckle Rock. While harassing the racers is their ultimate goal, they are easily distracted like monkeys who have forgotten their Ritalin, zeroing in on shiny things that need to be yelled at. Riders passing overhead on the lift were subjected to chants politely requesting public displays of affection and photographers scaling the lift towers for better shots found themselves dodging empty beer cans. With the inebriation of the crowd the only time you were safe from getting knocked in the head with a tin missile was if they were aiming for you. Rather than being offensive, being heckled is a badge of honor, much like a group roast, it comes from a place of love.
Though shalt covet better free shit.The occasional chair would go over on the lift with riders dropping free swag, like supply drops in a warzone. “Better free shit” became the popular chant whenever the cowbells pinging off their drunken domes did not meet their standards. There may have been more competitive attempts to get at it had the crowd not already realized their own dulled wits and slow response times. The wheels turned but self-preservation kept most from crowding across the racecourse and becoming road kill on their way to a free water bottle.
Though shalt not f*ck up.The rock does not have security, only a few brave and shirtless volunteers. Only course-marking tape keeps the crowd from playing Frogger with oncoming racers and yet, as wild as it gets, the crowd polices themselves. As people stagger forward rubbery arms are thrown out to corral them back in. Even a foot over the tape will get you a glazed-eyed headshake and a tug back into the crowd. When you do f*ck up you are judged and judged harshly. For example, taking a slow motion header off the rock, tracking the race run with your face on the way down will get you a supportive chant from the crowd of “You f*cked up, you f*cked up!”
Shirts off on the rock.‘Rules on the Rock: Shirts Off!’ read a sign posted high on the lift tower. While the male contingent is much more enthusiastic about this rule, the odd few girls will comply. In little pockets of privacy behind trees you will find girls adjusting bras and bathing suit tops for full coverage before ditching their shirts, not yet drunk enough to not care. Tradition is tradition but given the early morning jockeying for positions at the rock and the less than cooperative weather there were a lot of hard man nipples and luckily no cases of hypothermia.
Thou shalt not commit adultery but copping a feel is totally cool.Sometimes racers need a pit stop or an aid station along the way. The Canadian Open may be the only DH race that encourages racers to take a break on course, throw down some dance more, take a hit on the beer bong and grab a handful of boob before getting back on the bike and finishing the race. At the end of the day, if you are not going to win the race, you might as well win at life.
Mangina is the new Vagina.And male nudity is the new norm. It would seem that the naked male form is a very accepted and encourage addition to downhill racing. Perhaps men are hoping for a monkey-see-monkey-do reaction from their female counterparts, but whatever their motivation there is only one rule to their streaking, no wieners. Whether they are hidden behind goggles or tucked between their legs, dicks are still taboo. Men dropping their drawers are about as trendy as shirtless women at Woodstock and while it is decidedly less sexual it is a lot more humorous.
Stevie Smith is God. Thou shalt have no other God before him.Last one down, local hero and king of the terrible mustache; there are many reasons to love Stevie Smith and the crowd did. Chanting his name, spraying their beers and collectively losing their minds. The partiers immediately took over the course after he passed through with further chants about tits out and shirts off until word reached up the mountain that Stevie had won. They erupted with cheers and dozens of drunk people rallied down the racecourse on foot, presumably to congratulate Stevie in person, lay flowers at his feet and build a golden idol in his image.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.Above all else the Sabbath day should be kept holy. Any Sunday that you have an excuse to take your shirt off, slather on body paint and hand down judgment from up high, get out there and get it done!
www.pinkbike.com/photo/9984457
m.flickr.com/#/photos/randomsaint/9544883872
Walk your own path man
Here's me from way back when in 2011.
www.pinkbike.com/photo/9989798
Why'd you double post this article? Pretty sure some of the photos are copied and pasted from the last one!
Also, stop facking swearing up in this sh!t, there's bluddy kids readin' this fackin' crap, y'know.