[April Fools] Neutron Components Launches Alternative Medicine First Aid Kits

Apr 1, 2021
by Neutron Components  
EMBARGO: RELEASE APRIL 1

Pushing the limits of science

PRESS RELEASE: Neutron Components launches alternative healing kits for mountain bikers

When we launched our ultralight first aid kit last year we thought we had everything covered… until we read the Pinkbike comments section. It turns out we'd got it all wrong! After literally hours of YouTube research we're happy to reveal two new first aid kits to carry with you on the trail.


Homeopathic care kit

Up until now we’d been purely focused on Western medicine, putting our trust in things like ‘evidence’ and ‘facts’. After trawling through some eye-opening message boards though we’ve realised that there are entire branches of medicine that we’d previously overlooked. To ensure our customers are covered for any type of injury, we’ve developed an ultralight homeopathy kit for the open-minded adventure junkie.

Neutron Components homeopathy kit
The homeopathic first aid kit. Say goodbye to Big Pharma!

To use the homeopathic first aid kit, simply take a sample of whatever has caused your injury (eg. rock, tree, bear) and add it to a vial of water. Dilute twice for minor grazes or up to four times for life-threatening injuries, then apply to the affected area.
The kit includes all of your homeopathic essentials:
• 2x glass vials for potion preparation
• 1 pair tweezers for sample collection
• 1 eye dropper to measure dosage

RRP $199. Water not included.

Healing crystal kit
As any spiritual mountain biker will know, riders can sustain more than just physical injuries - if you frequently find your chakra fading on the trails then we recommend our healing crystal kit.

Neutron Components healing crystal kit
Healing crystals, for emergency trail-side chakra repair

Our specially-designed crystal kit features seven different precious stones to suit any vague ailments:
• Blue - treats anxiety
• Orange - for general unease
• Purple - effective against jitters
• Green - soothes turmoil
• Red - lessens nervousness
• White - reduces disquiet
• Brown - use for agitation

What’s more, there’s also room in the kit to add your preferred essential oils for comprehensive cover.

RRP $299.

As with any form of first aid, knowledge is your best defense. To better help the riding community we’ve made our alternative medicine quick-sheet available for download - to get your copy, head over to our website and hit the link.


44 Comments

  • 96 0
 Will any of these effectively neutralize the Moderna microchip? Asking for a friend.
  • 33 0
 I don't want my chip neutralized. I'm looking forward to spontaneously combusting when I walk too close to a 5g tower.
  • 29 1
 If you get rid of the microchip... You loose next day delivery for your Amazon orders....
  • 13 0
 Of course it will. Mother Gaia heals all. No warranty if mercury is in retrograde though.
  • 3 0
 i want my pfizer chip intact. the "find my friend" feature on my phone isn't working well and i need my wife to be able to locate me while I ride in remote places.
  • 51 0
 Thank GOODNESS someone made this. Once my friend put GAUZE on a CUT on his arm, and later found out his WRIST was BROKEN. His WRIST wasn't BROKEN that morning! GAUZE BREAKS ARMS!
  • 15 0
 Go to the website, you can actualy buy it!
  • 7 0
 I tried to leave a review, but they're not posting it... really messing with my chakras.
  • 13 0
 omg THANK YOU I've been NEEDING this crystal kit. A small price to pay for alignment. Namaste.
  • 5 0
 "omg THANK YOU I've been NEEDING this crystal kit. A small price to pay for alignment. Namaste bitches."

Fixed that for you
  • 2 0
 Thats a really good deal for the chakra kit. I would actually pay at least 500 USD for something like this.
  • 15 0
 BIRDS ARENT REAL
  • 3 0
 I know! They are all robotic replicas that the government made. Finally, another believer.
  • 2 0
 Thank you!! Finally someone with clarity. COVID was staged to recharge the birds.
  • 11 0
 And they all fit in my T.W.A.T. Box!
  • 8 0
 How long until you release the “Prayer Kit”? I think these woo woo solutions are cute, but we all know they don’t work. I am excited to see what kind of prayers you prepare for us.
  • 3 0
 @like2pedal
Patience grasshopper, the "Thoughts Kit" will need a product launch on FB before the "Prayers Kit" is released.
  • 6 0
 How do I use the the crystals? Are they to be swallowed or inserted the other way around, like a jade egg?
  • 1 0
 They get applied in Sedona, duh!
  • 6 0
 I feel this should only be available through a home based business model.
  • 5 0
 If they would make one with a little schnaps-flask inside, i might consider it :-P
  • 6 0
 No need for this kit. Just send healing vibes ...
  • 1 0
 Are they available to purchase online? much interested
  • 1 0
 @mariano69id: They will actually sell you these kits
  • 4 0
 Thoughts and prayers
  • 2 0
 PSA: this kit is excellent for first aid but it's always a good idea to get yourself checked out at the Homeopathic ER just to be safe: www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0
  • 4 0
 Sad it's only a joke, I'd love to get one for my gf
  • 4 0
 You can pay this with a glass of water used to rinse a 100$ bill
  • 2 0
 The wife of a non-biking buddy of mine apparently is a big deal in the essential oil sales biz in Canada. I'm so tempted to send him the link to this.
  • 2 0
 Just don't use it in Sedona. the combination of crystals and the natural vortex in Sedona will cause you to spontaneously explode.
  • 2 0
 Imagine laying trailside and someone else rocks up to help you administer aid, and hands you a brown crystal....
  • 2 0
 Guaranteed to work as much as homeopathy and crystals do for every other situation!
  • 2 0
 I prefer essential oils thankyouverymuch
  • 2 0
 I hope they release a boost edition with cards that increase my skills
  • 2 0
 Pinkbike going all out beast mode today! Big Grin
  • 1 0
 You might want to consider co-branding with Gwyneth Paltrow on some sort of organite bad vibes/crash prevention kit
  • 1 0
 There's people are that'd do the crystal kit...
  • 1 0
 Which crystal will help me jump?
  • 1 0
 Does Lavender cost extra?
  • 1 0
 The complete lack of chill here gives me a modicum of faith in humanity
  • 1 2
 Sorry, dont need this rubish kit, i have the same stones in 24k gold pouch to match it with my dentist mtb rig.
  • 1 0
 You should assemble the stones in such a way to make a rubish cube.
  • 1 0
 will it spread 5g?

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