8 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Sep 8, 2021
by Henry Quinney  
Here are some things that absolutely definitely, 100% happened in the bike industry last month.



Man Sweats to Death While Wearings Downhill Pants on Trail, Looks Fantastic

A local Strava legend has been pronounced dead at the scene after sweating to death. Their untimely demise appears due to an insistence on wearing full downhill trousers in the midst of a heat wave.

Freedom McClure, 58 but who will always ask you to guess their age, decided after watching 7 hours of back to back World Cup replays that trousers were the way to go. He not only bought a size down and then deliberately shrunk them in the wash but also used several packets of lard to slide into them. The lard, in combination with a sock McClure had forced down the front of his underwear, only exacerbated the overheating issue and essentially worked as perfect cooking conditions.
In air-conditioned environments the pants were managable.

The paramedics on the scene not only pronounced him dead but also that he did look absolutely fantastic.

In related news, a previously anonymous reviewer claiming that a full pressure suit didn't make them sweat has been revealed to be a renowned pizza enthusiast and one-time senior royal.



'Ride or Die' Not An Acceptable Replacement for 'Live Laugh Love' Says Family of Mountain Biker

The family in happier times living, laughing and loving, whilst being unanimously resented by everyone else.
A mountain biker from Sydney has been informed that their “Ride Or Die” mural in their kitchen is even worse than the “Live Laugh Love” one that it replaced.

The family, who wish to remain anonymous but whose wishes we are ignoring, are the Pottersworth-Becking-Huntingdales.

The PBH’s, as they don’t like to be known but quite frankly life is too short, had to hold an emergency family meeting after Alan, the family’s decor supremo and mountain biker, spent an afternoon going four years deep on Ryan Howard's Instagram and got carried away.

"If we can't condense our lives into 4 or 5 hashtaggable maxims then quite frankly, what's the point?" he said as his defense fell on unsympathetic ears.



Tinder Date Goes From Bad To Worse as Man Finally Lifts Kneepads from Ankles... Only to Reveal Ankle Socks

Talk about a false dawn. Both hopes and kneepads were raised in unison... only for bitter disappointment to follow.

Nutella Johnson's much-anticipated tinder date turned into a living nightmare as super-liking "expert rider" Tony Seagull turns out to be a massive goober.

Seagull, who began the date by explaining what Fox VVC damping was and why Johnson had it set up wrong before they'd even left the car park, was terrible company but the worst was still to come.

Johnson states "I thought it couldn't get any worse but little did I know what was in store. He initially started with his kneepads around his ankles even though it was only about fifteen degrees. At one point, he even tried to persuade me to lower mine. It was so weird. The final nail was lifting the pads to reveal low-cut ankle socks. I've never seen anything worse in my entire life. It was like seeing a dog be sick and thinking it was bad... only for then the dog to eat it straight after. An absolute horror show. The sight of his ankles poking out above his shoes like uncooked bleached chicken drumsticks sticking their head above the parapet... well it goes without saying that my therapist will be hearing about this".



Road Cyclist's Sole Bike Handling Trick of Urinating Whilst Riding Not Received Well on Group Outing

Out front and ready to drop the payload.

A road cyclist has dampened spirits on a Sunday morning mountain bike ride. Todd “The Bod” Beckingham was unsure how to respond when everyone started doing wheelies. In a panicked and threatened state, he dove deep into his bag of party tricks, only to realise that his only bike handling trick was pissing to one side whilst doing 30KPH into a headwind.

In a scene another rider described as "being maced with bear spray", the strong wind created a dense fog that managed to coat his acquaintances. The Newcastle Brown fluid "smelt like sugar puffs," one witness attested.

"I like sugar puffs" they later added.



Rider Who Uses Buying Inappropriate Bikes as a Personality Trait Kind of Annoyed that Gravel is a Thing Now

That iPod actually has an unreleased Babyshambles demo, I'll have you know.
Hannah-Anna Pethrington, a self-proclaimed badass who heard of the Arctic Monkeys before you and woman who habitually buys inappropriate bikes, has announced her annoyance of the mainstream gravel trend.

Pethrington, who has been riding bikes that are both uncomfortable and underperforming for years, considers their desire to not be able to ride with any other cyclists something of a personality trait, and is distraught to see her favourite fire roads littered with other people who keep trying to start making eye contact.
“Don’t you understand, I just want to be alone. My only contact with the cycling community is when I tell them I don’t like them. I actually have a mountain bike but any time somebody suggests riding together I set a ridiculous roadblock like saying I only ride at 4AM at weekends or by telling them to bring toilet paper as I’ll be sure to be shitting a lot. If that doesn’t put them off I have to eat gone-off Taco Bell just to prove a point and ask them to dig the hole with a tiny-tiny titanium trowel.”



Field Test Misinterpreted by Angry Farmers

Angry farmers from all over BC are congregating on MikeBike.com’s offices after they wildly misinterpreted the term “Field Test”.

Cardigan Bennett, a farming enthusiast from Woking, got double-jabbed and flew to Canada just for the protest.

“I wanted to know about carrots, parsnips and a bit of topography, maybe telling us about the 2022 clay range. Instead all I hear about is high-pivots and bottle cages - it’s disgusting.”
"What the **** is a pinker?"



Man Patents Reporting on Patents Usurped by Man Who's Patented Talking About Patents That are Talking About Patents

"Can you patent having a heart?! Oh... you can?"
A wild game of cat and cat, plus an additional slightly bigger and angrier cat has unfolded on the internet. It started off when Justin Timbersnake, who goes by 'JustJustin69' on soon-to-be-paywalled micycle enthusiast website PinkMike.com, attempted to patent the notion of commenting on patents. He claimed it was his sole and unquestionable right to be the sole commenter on any developments to do with patents, and that he had the patent to prove it. He even claimed at one point "I am the mayor of Patent Town."

That was until it was revealed that his arch-nemesis Daniel Shedinafield AKA 'DanDaMan' had been granted a patent that means they’re not only the sole person that can comment on patents but also the only one who can comment on comments that are commenting on patents. This, it would appear, may render Timbersnake's patent less effective than he had previously thought.

Timbersnake has, in a strange turn of events, gone metaphysical and is now questioning whether, in the context of space and time, a patent really means anything at all.

He still plans to comment on patents. More to follow.



Reviewer Who Expressed View Duly Goes Back into Hole From Whence They Came

Part-time mountain biking tech intern and future fast food sandwich artist Lenny Quimby has agreed to not pen any more ill-informed opinion pieces. Quimby, who has now seen the error of his ways, renounces any claim that small design changes where, for instance, you could increase the hub diameter by 3mm on each side and it might be superior, and will now focus on telling people what they want to hear.

His next piece entitled “Opinion: Wow, look, you’re so big, how did you get so strong, Mr. Big Strong Cycling Man?” had to be withdrawn thanks to its similarities of tone and theme to a recent article on a competitor's site, but he remains determined to come back with something equally hard hitting.
Quimby in the great outdoors reflecting on what he's done.



90 Comments

  • 91 0
 As always, thanks for the very funny stuff Lenny. Errrr....Henry.
  • 76 0
 Ride or Die is definitely the equivalent to Live Laugh Love
  • 6 5
 I feel like their is probably a better saying in mountain biking that would be a stand in for Live Laugh Love. Maybe "Bike Brew Bang" or "Ride Rage Recover". There's gotta be something better than "Ride or Die".
  • 26 2
 The mountain biker version is LIVE FREE RIDE HARD GET STOKED
  • 7 0
 @Rileyplummer: I don't remember. Did you say stoked or stoned.
  • 2 0
 Definitely up there with the land rover defender "one life, live it" stickers.
  • 1 0
 @fatduke: once saw a 'one life live it' sticker on a Nissan Micra.
  • 1 0
 @kevinturner12: that hurts my feelings.
  • 2 0
 @SuperHighBeam: I prefer Bike Bang Brew myself...
  • 33 0
 Feel like that was a subtle shot at wheel_based
  • 19 0
 Not my idea of subtle but 100%
  • 6 0
 Yeah....subtle. Pink(rock salt)Bike.
  • 5 7
 PB tech editors spinning the roulette wheel to see who gets to rip off wheel based analysis.
  • 16 0
 Last one murdered me, well done
  • 1 1
 Yeah - I wanted to read the piece, sounded really interesting. .
  • 13 0
 "...who has been riding bikes that are both uncomfortable and underperforming for years,..."
LOL. Brilliant. Wink
  • 8 0
 We’ve all seen them, with heavy-ass accessories everywhere like rear view mirrors on their 20kg rigs
  • 4 0
 @short-but-sweet: and stickers about their political views
  • 12 0
 This is Amazing! Please More of these!!
  • 1 0
 Exactly!
  • 19 11
 Cheap multi-pack of sport ankle socks are the only way to go. I do not get the obsession with "cool" socks. Also cool socks just take attention away from the giant calves above them.
  • 94 1
 A proper sock is the cone upon which the ice cream of a magnificent calf rests
  • 8 0
 Tall socks are padding against pedals to the shins.
  • 4 0
 @jcougs: my shins disagree.
  • 1 0
 @VtVolk: @brianpark some comment gold right here!
  • 4 0
 First I'm expected to wear matching gear, now I'm told I can't wear ankle socks? Pffft, I'm just trending ahead of the curve. In a year or two fancy taco or pizza socks will be considered lame. Stamped
  • 3 0
 @fodermonk: you and me both, I don't want my socks taking away from my already incredible lack of style on a bike.
  • 1 0
 Close, they're actually used to distract the attention away from the lack of calf muscle.
  • 2 0
 I have neither cool socks nor calves worthy of attention.
  • 19 10
 the ankle socks make me cringe
  • 24 3
 Super long billboard advertising socks are just as pointless as unponsored riders dropping 50 hashtags of companies they will never ride for........
  • 10 0
 I thought that ankle socks just barely covered the ankles....arent those in the pics no shows
  • 5 4
 @me2menow: sorry, NO SHOWS make me cringe
  • 1 3
 Ankle socks are the worst. If your socks go under your knee pads, and knee pads offer no Gumby gap at your shorts, you can avoid sweating to death in pants.
  • 1 0
 I'm apparently the only guy that hates long socks with shorts... especially if they're white I've tried to mold myself to the long sock trend, i even bought some, but i can't make myself do it.
  • 6 1
 Excellent work!

Looks like Lenny Q's bike is the only one still in stock this year, unless those rubber stanchion protector thingies are the new trend for 2022.

(I'm saving this comment for two years time when they really do come back into fashion)
  • 5 0
 I mean, people spend all kinds of money putting fancy protective "wraps" on their frames...fork boots don't seem like any sillier of an idea
  • 3 0
 I cant read that word now without pronouncing it in my head like Levy does! Stank-shun Great piece again HQ love the satire
  • 9 0
 “Bring toilet paper as I’ll be sure to be shitting a lot.”
  • 8 2
 So, how do you shrink a pair DH pants that are made of synthetic materials? I wish I can shrink some of my size 30 shorts that fit a guy with a 38" waist!
  • 16 1
 You lie while writing satire. Or you take them to a tailor.
  • 8 0
 I feel personally attacked by the first two articles
  • 2 0
 You'd blend in at WBP 100%
  • 7 0
 Now i want a "Live, Laugh, Love" sticker in the ride or die font for my bike.
  • 1 0
 If someone shows up on the Shore with a massive window sticker on the back of their Tacoma, I will buy them a beer or two, so good.
  • 7 0
 Think I’ll try that pissing one.
  • 6 0
 My advice to Lenny Quimby: never, ever read the comments.
  • 5 0
 It's articles like this that really boost my spirits as I realize I'm not the only din dong out there with a weird brain.
  • 2 0
 We rode with a guy who pissed while road biking - he was always referred to as The Pisser. No one rode behind him ever again.
  • 4 0
 Nice to hear that Nutella Johnson getting out there again.
  • 5 0
 How funny, Nutella Johnson just happens to be my other hobby!
  • 3 0
 Hold up... roadies are supposed to know how to piss whilst riding? I guess I'm gonna have to start practicing round town.
  • 3 0
 Brightened up my Thursday morning, too much doom & gloom around on tinternet at the moment.

Thanks Henry.
  • 1 0
 You might get busted and Feds chasing you down if you field test in BC! Worst yet, you might get the whole cartel looking for you! Big Grin
  • 3 0
 keep up the good work. you are on the way the to approachitnb Onion level.
  • 3 0
 I had a great laugh at these. Very well written, and on point..!
  • 2 0
 Wouldn't be surprised to see these stories in The Onion. Quality stuff.
  • 2 0
 So good! And it is an actual sight haha. MikeBike.com
  • 2 0
 I googled that too
  • 1 0
 @Germanmike: germanmikebike.com is still available!!
  • 2 0
 The downhill trousers one was so true this summer.
  • 1 0
 Hannah-Anna Pethrington, c'est moi. Also, the fake names in this piece are fantastic.
  • 1 0
 Look, I just don't have room in my head to memorize my dream frame geometry chart AND know what kind of socks to wear.
  • 2 0
 Ha
  • 3 2
 New bikes shipped. How did this not make the list?
  • 1 0
 Some brands have succesfully shipped their entire 2021 lineup to dealers before the end of summer.
  • 2 0
 Good lulz
  • 2 0
 Hahaha! Merciless!
  • 2 0
 Absolutely Hilarious!
  • 1 0
 It's a Shame... Those ankle socks I mean...
  • 2 1
 Number 9. Man buys bike and a spare chain.
  • 1 0
 Area Man Claims 'They'll Be Hearing From The Onion's Legal Department'
  • 2 0
 I like sugar puffs.
  • 1 0
 The bear mace comment was the one that made me LOL
  • 2 2
 I am that person who likes to ride by themselves.
  • 3 0
 Bad idea! Says the guy whose mates had to drive him to hospital broken, and then did the same for my mate 7 months later....just saying.
  • 1 0
 ...
  • 1 0
 This got me, great job
  • 1 0
 Todd the bod
  • 2 2
 Crew socks sucks !
  • 1 4
 Looks like creative writing classes were canceled worldwide this week
  • 3 6
 I really don't understand these articles.
  • 1 2
 You’re not alone. This is just as funny as every British comedy series.
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