Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Mar 29, 2024
by Henry Quinney  
Some people call him a poo-factory. Other people call him Mr Fluffy Bottom.

Dog Shits on Cut Line, and Miles Jaziber Doesn't Know How to Feel About it

A man in Bellingspam has acted upon what local mountain bike philosophers are calling the Cut-log Perplexity, where he has pushed down his hatred of bagged-up dog shit for a greater cause. After feeding his 16lb border terrier named Officer Lawrensen nothing but Gatorade and pork rashings, Jazimer encourages his dog to "do business" on cheat lines or non-sanctioned high entrances.

"The one single thing we can agree that sucks in the whole of mountain biking is how horrid dog poo is... but... what if we could use it. What if we could harness its power? What if through great evil, we could make this world a better place?"

Nice building, that.

Mountain Bikers' Cognitive Dissonance to be Studied at Havard Institute for Wild Thoughts for Cool Guys and Stuff

Gunther Almonde-Croissant, Head of Wild Thoughts for Cool Guys at Harvard, and a respected fellow at the very frontier of understanding the human mind, cannot explain mountain bikers, and their attitudes towards paying for things.

"Seismic cultural moments, while sometimes overwhelming, can always - always - be explained when the runway is long enough. What you find, in an anthropomorphic sense, is that things that haven't yet been justified are, in a way, present in a state of limbo and flux. We need to move away from ideas or notions being just or indeed unjustifiable, and rather understand the human mind is such that it just hasn't been able to work its understanding into justification... yet. Humans are inherently selfish beings motivated by survival, and that is also underpinned by models in social-evolutionary biology. Ergo, it isn't hard to consider that ideas of morality or even consistency are not only often meaningless to the benefiting arbitrator but superficial in their very nature. If a butterfly dies we cry, but if we gas a spider in a plume of cheap hairspray we do not so much as shed a tear? Is it merely beauty that separates the two? Is life that shallow? Everything is eventually justifiable to a self-centred human somewhere.

"That said, can we do something to f*cking sort out slopestyle? The athletes strike and we complain, if the broadcaster tries to make us pay, we complain. This... this I cannot explain. God I need a gin and tonic... and thanks to today's sponsor I can. Bombay Saphire has long been a key component for learning about brains and stuff at Havard. I don't know about you, but my God, I find a lot of this stuff depressing. After picking apart the brain of a serial killer who's had his body donated to science, and realising that he's no different to me and that the circumstances of our births are a mere lottery that will shape our every moment forthwith, I find nothing more comforting than a few stiff ones. Thanks to Bombay, and the great team there for making the smoothest gin in the game."

"We're all full!"

Electricians Don't Want Ex-Racers to Join Their Ranks

The National Union of Electricians has called for limitations on how many current and ex-World Cup mountain bikers can join their ranks in the future off-seasons.

Local business owner Justin Timbersnake has said that the influx of hard-working, dedicated professionals who will do absolutely anything to ensure that they give their maximum could seriously undermine widely accepted quote and pricing standards.

"These people... they'll literally do any job for just the passion and expect no substantial money - and half of them will do it just for free equipment and use of a rental van to work from and sleep in. Apparently, last week the Nukeproof race team did a whole kitchen refurbishment for 'the gratitude of a thousand smiles from all those that will appreciate our work'. What does that even mean? Is it tax deductible?!"

"I've never met a single one of these people before. Is this not the public library? How did I get here?"

Marketing Manager Astroturfs Own Daughter's Wedding

"Me? Oh, I'm just hanging out here. What, there's a wedding?!" That opener left guests at Nutella's Johnson's family wedding utterly bemused, not least because it was the start of the speech given by the father of the bride at the reception.

"Boy, I didn't raise her, but I bet the guy that did has great principles, plus a modernist take and interpretation of family values to lay a great foundation for any child. I don't know if he paid for her college education, meaning that he actually isn't enjoying his retirement nearly as much as he should be, but if he did I'm sure he wouldn't bring it up. Probably a great guy all around, whoever he is."

"What do you mean my bike has depreciated? I thought it was like real estate. What am I going to do with all these Shimano Tourney mechs?!"

Mountain Bikes Sale Sees Price Cuts of 115%

Large online retailer Struggle has announced that it will sell its bikes for 115% off the asking price if you please just take one, and take one now.

"We don't have any space - nobody in this whole industry does. We lost James three weeks ago, presumably by the latest shipment of pandemic edition e-cargo-family bikes that nobody wants now."

Local rider Hannah Anna Pethrington told us, "These brands with this insane discount model are trying to turn this cost of living crisis into a cost of giving crisis and I can't have it. Keep away with your loss-making exercises. I'm riding this 2008 Gary Fisher that I got for $7000 last year until death do us part."

What happens on the Island, stays on the Island.

Mountain Bike Carpark Mistaken For Nudist Colony After Wet Cumberland Ride

"Wet Cumberland?! Don't mind if I do!" said Freedom McClure prior to a misunderstanding that would stop his career as a youth pastor in its tracks.

"I just don't understand," he later added, "There were just people's bums out everywhere. Everyone was naked in and around their cars on a rainy Tuesday morning, laughing and smiling. That lady over there was suggestively spraying Muc Off... what else was I meant to think other than it was anything other than a hippy-love-in? It's the island for crying out loud."

Author Info:
henryquinney avatar

Member since Jun 3, 2014
325 articles

  • 73 0
 Dog shit on cheat lines!
That’s actually genius.
  • 45 0
 I don't have a dog. Can I just, you know... get down to business myself?
  • 26 0
 @Trailsoup: Yes. Answering for a friend.
  • 21 1
 @Trailsoup: name checks out.
  • 3 0
 @Trailsoup: When trying to avoid trail shit, I've never been too discerning about species of shitter so I think you're all good.
  • 1 0
 @Trailsoup: Add a little asparagus to the equation and make sure compliment your work with a good ole #1.
  • 54 0
 Fucking gold every time. I don't know how he does it.
  • 29 0
 Shrooms. Lots of shrooms.
  • 3 5
 @ReformedRoadie: Yes, that makes sense. Can someone please explain why HQ's depicted "electricians" are wearing Star-Wars-blastshield helmets + firefighting uniforms? Do 220v circuit breakers produce lazer beams that can vaporize entire planets?
  • 5 0
 @powturn: arc flash suits.
  • 3 0
 @badbie: Yep! So not "[laser] beams that can vaporize planets", but "plasma beams that can vaporize you".
  • 37 2
 I have fortunately made it another month with out buying an ebike. I turn 50 this year, so here's to hopefully another at least 50 years of not buying one.
  • 13 0
 Sometimes those nasty thoughts creep in
  • 4 0
 In the same boat, turning 50 but also realize that you can't cash out an IRA until 59 1/2, so I'm 9 1/2 years away at least.
  • 3 0
 I'm approaching 50 and the same. It was going to be a 50th birthday present but it could be pushed back a few years I reckon. We're all fitter than we think really.
  • 5 0
 I am over that milestone. Have two eBikes that I haven't touched in 9+ months. Analog bikes are still more fun to ride right now.
  • 2 0
 @tremeer023: I bought a full suspension when I turned 50. That was my concession to 'old age'.
  • 13 0
 Rofl these are awesome.
  • 12 1
 Cumberland article is money.
  • 7 0
 Another thing that didn't happen: Friday Fails!
  • 5 0
 "Mountain Bikers' Cognitive Dissonance to be Studied", or, "Henry Discovers Lost Voice Memos from Shroom Debacle"
  • 5 1
 Loving the stick images especially the one with the lad cracking open a placcy case of mint “tools” ahahha
  • 4 0
 Mens slopestyle at Rotorua.
  • 1 0
 Also this week Chain Reaction Cycles website relaunches without Nukeproof or Vitus bikes.

Oh wait…my mistake…that did happen.
  • 3 0
 University of Glasgow spotted!
  • 1 0
 Oh, how I've missed Quimby's reportage. Although I'll be the first to admit that the wedding bit went over my head.
  • 12 0
 I find that if I ride face first into a tree it helps me get where Henry’s coming from
  • 14 1 (scroll to the bottom of the article and read the disclaimer)

Fezzari employees showed up to the comments section to talk about how great the re branding is
  • 2 0
 What is that sausage pic in the Cumberland bit? I’m scareoused
  • 3 0
 A Cumberland sausage! Not the Canadian Cumberland, a traditional sausage fron Cumbria, UK
  • 2 0
 The terrier caption cracks me up.
  • 2 1
 Nothing worse than getting dog shit embedded into your tires. Well deserved if you take the cheater lines. F em.
  • 1 0
 Ahhhh Bellingspam...can't wait for my next visit!
  • 1 0
 I read these to my kids as bedtime stories. The degeneracy is blossoming.
  • 1 0
 That lady holds a phone like a cigarette..
  • 2 0
 Or do you hold your cigarette like a phone?
  • 3 5
 I don't really get those articles. What is it about?
  • 6 1
 They can be about enjoying some of the absurdity in living here/now..
  • 3 0
 Litmus test. If you don't get it....

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