Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up
Art by Taj Mihelich
Join us as we take a look at things that definitely didn't happen in the bicycle industry this month.
Inspirational! Beginner Mountain Biker Walks Six of Seven Technical Features
"Talented", "gifted" and "the best in the world at walking down hills" are how those who witnessed Shedinafield's feats described him.
Daniel Shedinafield was the envy of many in Whistler last weekend as, despite it being his first time in the park, he rode all of the hill’s most technical trails.
Shedinafield, who on one trail only had to walk six of the seven technical features, is proud of his achievement and intends to start an instagram page to inspire others to quite literally follow in his footsteps.
He not only aims to give tips on how to walk down hills with bikes, but also how to make abject failure look like a success and piss people off with back handed reminders that he’s only recently taken up riding.
“They’re just jealous they’re not talented like I am” he explains.
City Planners Aghast at Mountain Bikers Not Using Cycle Lanes
"Bloody hippies! Enjoy what we give you!"
City planners in Staffordshire are both shocked and dismayed at the lack of uptake from local cyclists for their “cycling mega-super-neo-apocolypitic-raceway”. The highway, which passes a pond where a duck called Stephen lives, is currently chronically underused.
“We just don’t get it” Toblerone Masterton, the chief planner explains.
“We tried to take what we know about roads and apply them to the cycle lane. For instance, we know that car drivers are important, powerful and busy people. They venture along the road to get to important meetings or with huge bulging sacks… oh Stephen’s out! Sorry, I digress, yes, bulging sacks of mail. We need to make the roads fast and efficient for the fast and efficient 21st century”.
“We just don’t get it” Toblerone Masterton, the chief planner explains.
“We tried to take what we know about roads and apply them to the cycle lane. For instance, we know that car drivers are important, powerful and busy people. They venture along the road to get to important meetings or with huge bulging sacks… oh Stephen’s out! Sorry, I digress, yes, bulging sacks of mail. We need to make the roads fast and efficient for the fast and efficient 21st century”.
“We just don’t understand why more people don’t use them. It’s bizarre. Bloody hippies.”
Fest Series Hits Send on 10,000 Word Press Release
Fest Series organisers have pressed send on a huge, death defying 10,000 word press release to announce that their previous 5,000 word press release just wasn’t core enough. The release, which took ten riders a combined 450 hours and two JCBs to make, pushes the limits of tedium to whole new heights.
“Well, I just love to push myself in anything that I do. Why make it fun when you can make it scary? We laugh in the face of 5,000 words. The first sends on these 10,000 worders is wild. You just gotta roll in and hold on. We always wanted to push the boundaries - and I think we’re now getting there. Reading one of these bastards is the height of human endeavor. Take that, Shackleton!” said one anonymous entrant.
“Well, I just love to push myself in anything that I do. Why make it fun when you can make it scary? We laugh in the face of 5,000 words. The first sends on these 10,000 worders is wild. You just gotta roll in and hold on. We always wanted to push the boundaries - and I think we’re now getting there. Reading one of these bastards is the height of human endeavor. Take that, Shackleton!” said one anonymous entrant.
A rush like no other.
Man takes a Break From Complaining About Lack of Diversity and Inclusion Within Mountain Biking to Complain About Inclusion of E-bikes
"Make it look like I care - does it look like I really care? This is my concerned caring face."
Intermediate rider and all-round bore, Justin Timbersnake, has taken time off his strict regime of virtue signalling about a lack of diversity in mountain biking to criticise the very same site for e-bike coverage.
“Well,” he explains, “It’s actually easier than you would think and definitely doesn’t have any drawbacks. Instead of saying stuff about how the industry is willfully homogenized, I say how people that can’t cycle up mountains shouldn’t cycle at all. Somehow, it actually feels quite similar. It’s almost as if my passion for either cause isn’t that heartfelt and it’s more about being argumentative with strangers on a message board. Weird. That can’t be it. If you need me, I’ll be conducting a zoom meeting about how I’m the only one that even cares."
“Well,” he explains, “It’s actually easier than you would think and definitely doesn’t have any drawbacks. Instead of saying stuff about how the industry is willfully homogenized, I say how people that can’t cycle up mountains shouldn’t cycle at all. Somehow, it actually feels quite similar. It’s almost as if my passion for either cause isn’t that heartfelt and it’s more about being argumentative with strangers on a message board. Weird. That can’t be it. If you need me, I’ll be conducting a zoom meeting about how I’m the only one that even cares."
"Why not just shut up for one single second, when you can try and show off your own high level of education, which many people haven’t benefited from, as you argue with people who speak English as a second language in the comments? Just remember, I'm here for everyone and it's my job to make sure my own ideas are at the forefront of inclusivity. I'm actually about to pen an open letter to Germaine Greer and explain all the things she just doesn't really understand about feminism.”
SRAM Beat Intern Mercilessly for Making Inappropriate Joke About 28.99 inch Wheels
"Well, our data points show here that the bars held up very well".
Industry shill and allround smarm-meister Gareth Yoghurtbottom has held a press conference for component manufacturer SRAM this morning at their company headquarters. Yoghurtbottom insists adamantly that the savage beating doled out to an unpaid intern with low-rise Truvativ Blackbox bars was justified.
“Okay, so, two things. One, we’re really proud of DUB and it absolutely had to be 28.99 millimeters. Making a joke about us making a new 28.99-inch wheel is just deeply insensitive. Secondly, we do have a sense of humour! It was only in 2013 we released an absolute zinger in the Christmas newsletter at the expense of Shimano Deore, but making jokes at our own expense… that would be really embarrassing - like Shimano and their loose ball bearing hubs - zing! We’ve done it again! Write that down! Can somebody write that down?!”
Woman is Holding Entire Youtube Channel to Ransom with Threat of Unsubscribing
"What would they do without me?"
Nutella Johnson is on a rampage. She’s currently holding her subscription status to MikeBike’s Youtube channel as the ultimate bargaining chip to get exactly what she wants.
“So far I’ve not only managed to curate their content to my desires but I’ve used the threat so successfully that they’ve bought me a used-car, a free trip to New York, got them to fire one of the hosts I didn't like and they've given me around 48,000 dollars in cash. I just keep threatening and they keep on delivering. Schmucks - I don’t even really watch Youtube! Suckers, I clearly mean a lot to them. How would they cope?!”
“So far I’ve not only managed to curate their content to my desires but I’ve used the threat so successfully that they’ve bought me a used-car, a free trip to New York, got them to fire one of the hosts I didn't like and they've given me around 48,000 dollars in cash. I just keep threatening and they keep on delivering. Schmucks - I don’t even really watch Youtube! Suckers, I clearly mean a lot to them. How would they cope?!”
Shimano Admits XTR Mispronunciation Has Gotten Out of Hand
Shimano today released an industry-wide email detailing the problems with the pronunciation of their groupsets. They inform us that XTR is a word and should be treated as such.
However, they rebuffed suggestions that SLX is actually slux and XT is pronounced as uxt as “simply laughable”.
We spoke to Shimano Head of Naming Stuff With Edgy Sounding Gibberish, Leane Der Fall, “Naming XTR was easy. It’s called XTR because we think it’s extra good. Was that not obvious?”.
“We were going to name the new wireless Dura Ace X Æ A-Xii but bloody Grimes and ol’ Musky Elon got there first.”
However, they rebuffed suggestions that SLX is actually slux and XT is pronounced as uxt as “simply laughable”.
We spoke to Shimano Head of Naming Stuff With Edgy Sounding Gibberish, Leane Der Fall, “Naming XTR was easy. It’s called XTR because we think it’s extra good. Was that not obvious?”.
“We were going to name the new wireless Dura Ace X Æ A-Xii but bloody Grimes and ol’ Musky Elon got there first.”
"Say it from the gut!"
Local Canadian Mayor Loses Election After Claims Surface He’s Indifferent to Back Wheel
"Apparently the opposition are saying you're too scared to ride clips on skinnies, sir. And why is there a US flag? Piss off to back to Bellingham already."
Local Mayor Todd “The Bod” Beckingham has lost his seat as Mayor of Vancouver after accusations surfaced that he is merely indifferent to back wheel. These shock revelations surfaced after a recording was leaked where you can supposedly hear an unnamed woman state “you don’t even ride, you loser! You use your brakes to shralp, your trail dog, Sprocket, hasn’t been out since you ran it over and you don’t even enjoy skinnies - who even are you?”
Mr Beckingham, who originally rose to power on the hardline manifesto of not “dumbing down the shore” is one of the more radical politicians on the west coast of Canada. He not only introduced an SPD license but also banned the sale of yellow safety glasses with 5KM of any sanctioned mountain bike trail.
The shock revelation that his conservative values are merely a facade may well rock the foundations of the more traditional wing of Canadian politics.
Mountain Bikers Picket Celine Dion Concert Due to "Paywall" of Corrupt Ticketing System
Chants of "My heart will go on.... until the paywall begins" will apparently be heard throughout the day.
A growing rabble of Canadian mountain bikers have announced their intention to picket an upcoming Celine Dion concert due to concerns that the ticketing system constitutes a paywall.
Celine Dion, pride of Canada, who is known for such hits as “that titanic song” and “something else, presumably”, has said that she doesn’t make the rules, that a lot of her music is out there to be enjoyed but sadly she won't make every show free for every fan.
Tony Seagull, a bad man with good hair, has refuted this and insists that he will never listen to Dion’s music again and refuses to even entertain the idea of paying for something because he enjoys it too much for that. Anyone that disagrees with him is welcome around his squat anytime to talk about it over a wholesome meal roasted squirrel.
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Now, enter the new concept of paying to be advertised to. That's a bit taking the piss, if you ask me.
That’s Gold Henry, Gold!
Deore I think means deer.
XT, don’t know, but XTR is short for XT RACE or XT RACING.
"we value and promote diversity and inclusion in every aspect of our business"
Cocks On Rant Elitism
They probably think their language is better than “ours” too ( to be fair, I’ll give them that one. English makes even less sense, than a FEST press release)