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8 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Jan 14, 2022
by Henry Quinney  
Art by Taj Mihelich

Join us as we take a look at things that definitely didn't happen in the bicycle industry this month.

Calling It “Early Season” When There’s Two Feet of Snow Taken by Mountain Biker as the Provocation It Was Intended to Be


A 42 person brawl erupted in early January at a local cafe after mountain biker Freedom McClure took a local skier saying “I can’t believe it’s still only early season” as the insult it was intended to be.

McClure, who had just fallen over three times thanks to the 6 inches of solid ice covering the car park and has not ridden his bike in six weeks, reportedly yelled “Chest deep this you yuppy shitbag” as he swung chairs, kicked a child in an Arcteryx jacket in the face and pushed over an elderly man who just happened to be wearing a buff.

It took thirteen skiers, who thanks to their weak and puny bodies from merely doing a hobby and not a real sport were no match for an aggravated mountain bicyclist, to eventually restrain him fully.

Lubrication Manufacturer Defends Their Right to Not Label Axis in European Supreme Court

"There's no issue here. The results speak for themselves".

A prominent lubrication manufacturer has taken their battle to the supreme court this month as they defend their right to not add any quantity, descriptions or values to their graphs other than “good” and “bad”.

Industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom was stone-faced and obstinate as he explained “What’s the problem? The only thing you need to know is that our chain oil scores higher at being good and theirs scores higher at being bad. We did loads of tests but you wouldn’t understand them - it’s better this way.”

MTB Journalist Pens Controversial, Brave Opinion Piece in Which He Claims Bikes Should be Cheaper, More Durable, Compatible, and Also Locally Made

The man is an inspiration. Move over, John Simpson.

An intrepid blogger has stepped up to the plate this week to tell people what they want to hear.

Justin Timbersnake laid out the blueprints for his dream of mountain biking, as well as letting out some far-fetched opinions.

“Bikes should be cheaper… and better… and locally sourced with infinite cross compatibility while also always being incrementally improved… but also should see wholesale changes like the implementation of gearboxes. Oh, and they need to be lighter, too.”

The courageous piece titled “Sometimes the lowest hanging fruit is also the tastiest” has been greeted with widespread approval and even those in hardened literary circles have praised Timbersnake for his hard-hitting journalism. Nutella Johnson, reporting from a basement in North Korea, called Timbersnake a “true hero”.

Man Is Still Talking About the One Time He Took Mushrooms, 3 Months On

Lenny Quimby is still telling anyone that will listen about the one time he got lost in a woods in the autumn. Quimby, who’s well out of his depth in both drug culture, as well as culture in general, seems to have accidentally started using surfing terms to describe his experience.

“I was just in the pocket man, riding the barrel. I was so pitted!" Quimby was overheard telling a cashier at a gas station when he actually should have been pumping out articles for Mike Bike. The lack of new and original content on the mountain biking website is not down to the harsh winter weather, the global pandemic, the holiday season, or a lull in new product releases, instead it is in fact solely down to Quimby's desire to speak about nothing other than his botched trip and refusal to write anything about bikes for the last three months.

Quimby who, before his foray into surf-slang, went under evaluation from a board of local experts, has spent every day since the events googling “Have I lost my mind?” whilst eating cold baked beans out of the can and listening to Pat Benetar.
”Wait... hello? It's cut out again. Weird."
Professor Mogfoganall, a neurobiology expert concluded, “he’s not suffering from the effects of drugs, I kind of wish he was. Nope, sadly for him he’s just an absolute wierdo - a real piece of work. Yes, you can quote me on that. It's a technical term”.

Man is Successfully Influenced to Do the Exact Opposite of a Local Pro

A recent photo by Beckingham captioned "When I'm alone in nature in a beautiful place I get this existential dread and I worry that people aren't thinking about me enough. People are probably wanting to know what I think about nature. I should definitely tell them it's beautiful and also try and show that expression in my face."

Ken Oath has sworn an oath of fealty to do the exact opposite of local Strava pro Todd “The Bod” Beckingham. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Oath informed us, “It’s the weird selfies, the rubber-faced pained expressions on the turbo trainer… the awful edits or the TikTok dances. It’s too much. I know for a fact that guy is buying his bikes for near full retail and just hashtagging for no apparent reason. He must have spent thousands to keep up this charade. I don’t know if it’s brand loyalty to the extreme or a severe bout of delusion but it’s just too much”.

Ken Oath is so unimpressed with Beckingham’s actions that he has sworn to never buy anything from any brand that supports him, purely due to the cringe factor alone.

In other news, local police hostage negotiator Hannah Anna Pethrington has today told of her success in a new approach to dealing with local influencers. Pethrington coaxed Tony Seagull down from three posts a week about strapping your iPhone to your mountain bike handlebars by agreeing to buy just one, on the condition they never bring it up again.

Industry Still Reeling as Brandon Semunuk Bring Ballroom Moves to Rampage and Shows What a Trek Without Knockblock is Capable Of

Semenuk made use of his RockShox ZEB single crown by tail whipping it down his drop in the middle of his run. He also flip-whipped further down his line which just shows you the progression of the technology we have at our fingertips these days. Insane.
The whirly-durly in action.

Shockwaves are still being felt through the mountain biking scene this winter as Brandon Semenuk showed what a Trek with uninhibited bar rotation could accomplish.

The bike, a non-KnockBlock equipped something-or-other-they-all-look-the-same-to-me-I’m-gonna-guess-slash, was spun round in a move Semunuk says he learnt in his Tuesday night ballroom dancing class.

“Doing the spinny trick thing on a bike actually came to me that very morning as I ate my Frosties. I looked at that picture of Tony the Tiger and felt a wave of inspiration washing over me. I took that KnockBlock out and knew I was good to go”.

Rider Who Hates Idlers Shocked to Find Out How Much Slower DH Tyres Are

Idlers are there with the sole intention of ruining climbing performance, according to one prominent BC journalist.

“You’re bloody joking? How much?” These were the haunting words of anti-idler enthusiast Tabatha Toblerone upon her discovery that the half a watt lost to the idler pales in comparison to heavier, grippier tyres.

“Next you’ll be telling me that my 190mm Zebs are heavier than some StepCast 32s… they are!?”

“It’s almost as if there are lots of things that decrease a bike’s efficiency that have very tangible performance gain when descending the bike… but that just can’t be true. It’s the idler that is the sole reason why a 40lb coil-sprung 180mm bike doesn’t pedal well, and I won’t hear otherwise.”

Nothing Escapes Bike’s Designers Penchant for Motivational Sayings

You can do it.

Mountain bike chief designer Leanne Der Fall not only is responsible for handy sayings such as “pedal, damn it” on the top tube of all the bikes she designs, but also sells motivational stickers for any number of household items.

Her new season’s collection involves a “eat, damn it” slogan on a plate as well as a “shit, damn it” motif on a toilet seat.

"It can really give you that edge when you're pushing hard" she explained.

In other reports, one man is furious at the misspelling of "Accept no imitations" on his counterfeit DMR Death Grips. He also admits he's been pronouncing the name of his Cannondale F-Si HiMod as Fisheye Mod for months. And a woman in Ottery St Mary is bemused by the naming of her Polygon Square One which doesn't feature a single straight frame tube.

Author Info:
henryquinney avatar

Member since Jun 3, 2014
346 articles

  • 149 3
 Just what I needed, a reverb on the toilet seat so I could shit my pants, since the toilet seat only lifts up half of the time...
  • 7 0
 2 people shat their pants...
  • 6 0
 That pic clearly shows the Reverb lifting the toilet lid (not the seat), so I'm wondering where the Reverb goes when you need to sit down on the toilet
  • 6 0
 Can anyone tell me what happened to VOD and POD?
  • 2 0
 @mihauek: went away a while ago
  • 2 0
 Class action reverb
  • 1 0
 Time for that 600 hour service
  • 7 0
 @Elikk: You can always call the Flight Attendant to help clean up the mess
  • 1 0
 @MrDiamondDave: no one wants to hear good news

@PAmtbiker: be safe; be well
  • 1 0
 @PAmtbiker: It goes precisely where it belongs.
  • 94 0
 man without bmx background rides mountain bike
  • 13 5
 No these are things that actually didn’t happen. Are you even a real mountain biker if you don’t have a bmx background? Full confession: I’ve never raced bmx in my life. But I did watch Rad on repeat when I was a kid. I’m hoping that will help me squeak by the MTB gatekeepers?
  • 15 2
 @BiNARYBiKE: Never touched a BMX bike… unless you count my 20” solid steel, rigid bike I learned on as a kid. It may have looked like a BMX but it didn’t have pegs or a 25 year old man pedaling around on it like it was normal.
  • 1 0
 But how?
  • 52 1
 "kicked a child in an Arcteryx jacket in the face" had me rolling! So funny Big Grin
  • 19 1
 Made me laugh so hard, I went outside and kicked two or three kids. Still chuckling...
  • 3 0
 Having not been able to ride the past six weeks because of the weather made me relate way too much to that article!
  • 49 2
 Lenny Quimby….
Henry Quinney….
Nah, it can’t be
  • 4 0
 Lol had the exact same thought.
  • 41 0
 /me adds "chest deep this you yuppy shitbag" to vocabulary
  • 3 0
 Yeah. Im wondering if Henry is remotely verbalising his frustration at Canadian snow. It is sunny here in NZ Henry!
  • 4 0
 @NZRalphy: The weather has been brutal here. The good thing, however, is that angry Henry = funny Henry.
  • 42 3
 Bruh this is the funniest shit PB has released in years
  • 21 0
 I just assumed Taj wrote the article as, well, he's known to be funny. Kudos to Quinney, whom I mistakenly assumed to be incapable of writing anything other that a review of an XC bike whilst complaining that it isn't more like an enduro rig.
  • 4 0
 To be fair if there's one thing you want from an xc bike in the sea to sky corridor, it's for it to ride more like an enduro bike
  • 17 0
 On the subject of inspirational stickers/decals, I did enjoy the self-made sticker from the man in the Daily Drivers article this week: "This Bike F*cks"
  • 6 1
 This machine Kills (it) Fastish.
  • 3 1
 @Chonky13: this comment is hugely under appreciated.
  • 15 0
 It's not clichéd bike industry satire until there's a Specialized lawsuit joke.
  • 13 0
 Quality (fake) content, Quimby
  • 9 0
 Henry has the best assignment at PB. He gets to scan the comments and turn our stupid gripes into fake articles (farticles?). Then he sits back while we pump his tires/tyres. Genius.
  • 11 0
 With these gems, I can't wait for April 1st.
  • 10 0
 "It can really give you that edge when you're pushing hard" she explained. I laughed so hard I shit myself, damn it!
  • 8 0
 Cheaper, better, more compatible AND locally made. HAHAHA. Unlike that neurobiologist drugs really got to this guy
  • 7 0
 "Chest deep this you yuppie shitbag". I now mutter to my reflection every morning.
  • 5 0
 Dammit ol' Yoghurtbottom is at it again!! When will the industry get rid of this guy?!
  • 9 0
 If Yoghurtbottom was an ice cream flavor he’d be pralines and dick
  • 4 0
 @VtVolk: party time, excellent!!!!!
  • 5 3
 more of this! more of this! I would be happy if pinkbike became a mountain bike comedy site with the occasional review or bit of industry info. Anything better than the recent bottom of the barrel shite we've been getting.
  • 1 0
 I'm thankful for the work these guys do on this site.
  • 2 0
 Outside +, you'll be pleased to hear, is a joke
  • 4 1
 Feels like they accidently pressed the post button on this. Either way, best post I've read
  • 2 0
 The GoPro footage one is gold!! I to have some poorly edited chest mounted shaky video of A Line that I subject my friends to having to watch.
  • 3 0
 Ah yes Trek without kNoCkBLock & I would also kick a child who wears Arctyerx in the face.
  • 1 0
 Nothing Escapes Bike’s Designers Penchant for Motivational Sayings--@henryquinney--loved the old sticker/chainstay protector Skye Yeager put on the old Bianchis--"your bike sucks"
  • 2 0
 Also the little dominatrix with the caption “master says faster”.
  • 2 0
 Hey - I resemble that remark! I'm an aggravated mountain bicyclist AND a skier. My upper body is still puny in spite of the two "hobbies".
  • 7 0
 Maybe because you view mtb as a hobby, when in reality, mtb is life! Wink
  • 1 0
 @JarrodB: if you don't spend as many hours in the gym as on the bike, are you really a mountain biker? Or just an off-road cyclist...
  • 3 0
 All the fake names and you slip Ottery St Mary in like us Brits aren’t going to notice.
  • 1 0
 It is in Devon, so does that really count?
  • 3 0
 Ottery st Mary! @henryquinney you sound like a man who’s taken a burning tar barrel to the face before ;p
  • 3 0
 Sure would have been better if this article was written on mushrooms.
  • 1 0
 "and there’s scores" Henry reminding us of the real challenges of using them/theirs. Always excited to see your industry editorials sir, keep up the great work!
  • 2 0
 Only decent content all week, if shit is gonna be this wack I'm willing to pay for PB
  • 1 0
 Anybody else think that Henry had a drinking contest with the team to get this approved, and upload ASAP when they drunkenly said ?yes?
  • 2 0
 I'll have nothing said against Gareth Yoghurtbottom. He's a man of culture.
  • 2 0
 I hope Quimby has a long and successful career with Mike Bike. Quality content.
  • 1 0
 Looks like SRAM can never get it right. My toilet holder is on the right, the lever is on the left! No wonder this didn't happen! Big Grin
  • 2 0
 I was wondering why my pipe says “Suck, Dammit”
  • 2 0
 Came for the names, stayed for the newwzzz. Well done Henry.
  • 1 0
 Gumby/Gaper who doesn't also ski/snowboard (or own a fat bike) turns out to be a snowflake.
  • 1 0
 Rider surprisingly keeps expensive fat-bike longer than one season, and bravely enters the 2nd season of Winter riding......
  • 1 0
 To be fair, it's 20 years since I took enough ketamine to look down on my own body and I'm still talking about.
  • 1 0
 Thank you Henry for responding to all of the complainers about lack of content. Quality piece!!
  • 2 0
 Is Tabatha Toblerone @mikelevy alter ego?
  • 1 1
 Brake pad demand still outweighs supply by a large margin. Other parts are very difficult to find too.
  • 10 0
 It’s also hard to get excited about DH roster moves when feline AIDS is still the #1 killer of domestic cats…
  • 2 0
 So good @henryquimby
  • 1 0
 Ba ha ha! I want the motivational plate and toilet seat! Lol
  • 1 0
 Superb, well played feller.
  • 1 0
 This one was particularly funny. Well done.
  • 1 0
 Pat Benatar DOES rule, by the way!
  • 1 0
 Thats so true I can't stand that guy Todd The Bod
  • 1 0
 Contest, anyone, anyone? Bueller?
  • 1 0
 Very well done this time - especially the first few.
  • 1 1
 you forgot to mention women still can't ride bikes lol
  • 1 3
 Pinkbikes losing it
  • 1 0
 Between the biblical rain and the snow in the NW, summer sport people are having a hard time. Bad year to not like winter sports.
  • 1 4
 This is satire?
  • 5 0
 Name checks out
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