[April Fools] Industry Nine Launches N-1 Conversion Service
Reams of credit card statements weighing you down? No more!
Words: Industry Nine
Are outdated geometry, a noodle of a fork, and your antiquated 3x9 drivetrain holding you back from being the envy of all your friends on the trail? Look no further than the Industry Nine N -1 (N MINUS ONE) service - a paradigm-shattering, proprietary bike conversion process. N-1 is designed to transform your current beater to “Pinkbike Staff Ride” approved or conversely, take your new whip and dress it down as your old bike - keeping you out of hot water with your S.O.
Keep your relationship as rosy as the honeymoon phase with our N-1 replication service that hides the fact that your bike truly does now cost more than your car! We’ll even provide tips on off-shore bank accounts and a “Jelly of the Month Club” membership certificate to prove your extra income has been eliminated!
Or perhaps the new bike project is still floundering because of parts availability (sorry!) and you need a kickstart to motivate you into the riding season - we got you covered with our other carefully curated N-1 service options!
The new bike will soon look old, courtesy of N-1.
Not only does N-1 offer bolt for bolt replication, we also offer a variety of subterfuge services intended on punking your riding buddies. Whether it be an exact copy of your older rusty frame, the ubiquitous and indistinguishable “looks like a Session,” or the tax-bracket hopping titanium and carbon laden “Dentist’s Dream,” rest easy with your new (or is it old?) bike in the hands of our overqualified and underpaid team of bikestheticians.
With a dedicated team of engineers, our patent-pending 1:1 N-1 replication technology is proven to evade the eagle eye of even the most perceptive penny-pinching partner. Or mix it up and “de-e” your new e-bike to befuddle your riding buddies as you smoke them up the tech.
Down to the details
Courtesy of our in-house machine shop, hand over your wallet at peace knowing your dollars are spent supporting American-made manufacturing. With a manageable 10-12 month lead time on any conversion service, you’ll be on your new bike just in time for the latest and greatest axle or bottom bracket spec to render your dream build obsolete.
With arms like Popeye, Gabriel, the i9 polisher, has seen every bike from Durango-built Schwinn Homegrowns to AMP Research B2’s
Our only in-class N-1 wheel building table outfits your bike with custom builds designed to withstand the most demanding ride conditions while retaining the look of a 26” wheel with an inner tube and a 1.95” tire.
Another satisfied customer! Anna is “look and look again” bike check ready while keeping her relationship stable, while expanding, yet oddly maintaining equilibrium of her bike stable. For more information visit www.industrynine.com/N-1
Author Info:
Member since Jun 11, 2015
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Thank you for noticing!
I also feel like I’m entitled enough that I expect you to dry my big boy tears for me. Some snuggles wouldn’t hurt either...
/ˈˌāprəl ˈfo͞olz ˌdā/
noun
unpunctuated: April Fools Day; noun: April Fools' Day
April 1, in many Western countries traditionally an occasion for playing tricks. This custom has been observed for hundreds of years, but its origin is unknown.
To you and everyone who took time to read and give me props — both negative and positive — and to those who gave you all those props for “putting me in my place:” Gotcha! April Fools!
Have a good one! And in case you don’t believe me, check out my comments about “the industry” in other April Fools articles...
P.S. I love your “blinged out crap.” I meant none of it, but I had to sell it. I’m about to order a new set of Enduro 305s. Trying to decide between blingy blue and basic black. Best wheels I’ve ever had! I’ve talked to you guys on the phone a couple times in the past for customer service. In all seriousness, you guys are great!