Chav Spotter Edition 7

Hello and welcome once again to your weekly edition of....Chav Spotter.

This week, we follow on in the wake of last weeks edition and address the foulest and filthiest of all Chav species known to date....the Middle Aged Chav (ltn Chavicus Igotbigbeerguttus)


As this recently de classified photo shows, we have many of the traits of this particular Chav on display. By the middle age, the Chav will normally lose thier distinctive baseball caps and have moved on to showing off thier unkempt shock of hair, which is normally so mithered in grease and other shit that it is impossible to tell what is hair and what is shit. On thier faces, they will also sport some kind of Chav styled facial hair, normally in some effort to attract Chavettes, but this normally fails, as the most common feature of the face of the MAC is either yellowed or missing teeth. They will have yellowed thanks to a diest of weed, booze, more weed, fags and the odd energy drink, normally the cheapest thier JSA will allow them to purchase.

The Middle Aged Chav also will commonly sport a single ear stud as well as a lot of cheap, shitty bling to try and make themselves look good, several medallion rings adorn each hand, a makeshift knuckle duster, although some Middle Age Chavs use them as knuckle protectors for when the knuckle dragging neanderthals they are drag thier knuckles along the ground. Clothingwise, they will normally sport the familiar white or black trainers, trackie bottoms and hoodies, though some Chavs have been noted by this age to be wearing sweatshirts with large burberry coloured collars on them.

Communications is achieved through a mixture of swear words, grunts and groans, normally issued when rising or falling from a chair or bed, it is due to these charachteristics that the only time these Chavs ever see the light of day is once a fortnight, on signing on day. Little else is known about thier behaviour behind closed doors, however this writer managed to get a peek inside the den of a Middle Aged Chav and come away alive.

Strewn all around were old copies of Playboy and Penthouse magazine, the floor and surfaces were filthy, the sofa, the middle Aged Chav's sleeping chamber was in a dire state. Many ASBO's plastered the table and floor as marks of his past triumphs over the law, sadly now forgotten by Chavkind, this lone Chav wallows and mithers in his own filth. The smell of a mixture of weed, piss and booze pervaded the atmosphere, hence the use of a repiratory mask while looking into the den. The Middle Aged Chav sports a large beergut, which his over tight shirt has trouble hiding, caused through years of neglect, inactivity, booze, weed and lazyness, normally caused by the lack of interest by Chavette's in his nether regions. The large beer gut also hampers any efforts at mating, the Chavette either being crushed under his weight, or sliding and falling off the Middle Age Chav when attempting to ride him..

An hour later the Chav stirred from under his newspapers and vanished to the kitchen before returning with a *ag hanging from his mouth and a can of lager in his hand and with this, he turned his tv on and stared vacantly into space. At this moment we decided to leave him to his own devices and retreated to a safe place.

And on that sombre note, so ends this weeks Chav Spotter. Next week we delve into the dangerous world of the Drug Dealing Chav (ltn Chavicus Nervousasf*ckus). So see you all next Chavvy week!