Supermassive ShtHole...

Sep 4, 2016 at 13:16
by Wacek Kipszak  

Troll attack

Sometimes you bite more than you can chew, and if you're stupid you just try to swallow it anyways... this is how my life feels to me lately. And in many ways the bike is to blame. My toddlers grew a bit bigger and I got more time for riding. Weather played out fantastically this year, it's been plenty of sunny days and if it's raining it's warm so there's no problem to be riding while being totally soaked. I don't remember having so many riding days. Then I got a tiny crush on Strava, chasing seconds to see how i stuck up against the local field and the issue is that when you get into top 10s when trying, and top 20s when riding like I'm not giving much shit, things get unnecessarily serious. At least considering what's at stake and that's pretty much: no-f*cking-thing.

But then there's the issue of my online activity and it grew exponentially. I always had it in the back of my head that it would be cool if someone gave me something since I am a visible commenter on Pinkbike (even though I never did that for that reason, I do it because I like joking with people, I find it entertaining). It finally happened, Antidote bikes gave me a fat discount on their frame, few small makers wanted to give me their tiny products. And as I predicted it has put a pressure on me to perform "online" which distorted things a lot. I hoped to stay balanced but the inner Troll beast must feed so it finds ways to get a voice. So yes I started to be a dick on a few occasions and talked confidently of sht I have no clue about. To my defense I can say that I always tried to be true and present myself for who I am. I hate how anonymous internet is, I have nothing to hide, why the hell should I present only good sides of me? The truth is every human being has some sht in the closet, I'm just the village idiot who thought that showing it in a civilized manner may be a good idea.

There are a couple of people who feel the need to spread hate on 29ers, Gee Atherton, word Enduro, expensive carbon bikes or plus tyres or (my Gawd!) E-bikes. Now... I feel the need to let those f*ckrs have it... I indulge meta-trolling, I troll on people who are trolling because they hate wrong things... So I feel like I became the regular case of Nietzsche's "monster fighting paradox": if you gaze long enough into the darkness, the darkness gazes into you. When you fight monsters you become a monster yourself. It feels this way for me and that's not a nice feeling... I just finished watching Breaking Bad and through the whole painful process of binge watching all 5 series I saw too many parallels to my own situation, including my family hating me.

So the conclusion is rather simple, I have two choices: I have consumed so much troll food and burned out so much of my initial fuel, that my mass and spin is reaching some quantum/shmantum threshold. I can either become a supermassive ass-hole or my core can collapse under the weight of my own bullcrap and I can go supernova, for a reset... I'll try to focus on bringing content requiring some other work than just typing...

As usual... I have no f*cking clue why I wrote it...
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19 Comments

  • + 5
 @WAKIdesigns,
I totally get what you mean. I need to open myself up too. Recently I started hating on other mountain bikers.
The trouble is, where I live some 4-5 years ago we were but a few selected people who did this for fun. And we all knew each other across the country. Recently there was an influx of new riders with super bikes, middle age crisis guys that think they now better than all. I went to a really big marathon here (500ish people, and some 350ish riders), and I've never been on this type of event before, only DH races and DH get togethers. and I was baffled who many of this new riders are massive throbbing dickbags. I was really disappointed, and destroyed. They singlehandedly craped on everything that is cool and nice and was personal in mountain biking. It all became a pissing contest. Who has more carbon parts, who has spent more money on their bikes, who has better kits. etc etc. So after that I event started riding the trails I worked on in periods that I know I wouldn't meet any of this new dickbag riders. But it happens. Just yesterday, I went for a ride and met with some old buddies that were working on a new part of the trail. We haven't seen each other for a long time and of course we stood there chatting. Suddenly a duo of human excrement clad in lycra on latest and greatest bikes decided to grace us with their presence and roll down our trails on which we were working on. But since they had to stop and get around us they started yelling that we are ruining their strava times and that they will now have to get back up to try it again... YO f*cktard, you're talking to the builders, who gave you the right to talk shit to the people that built the trails you ride on. I'm not sure how they didn't get the picture, I though the shovels and the axes and the pickaxes were a dead giveaweay... I don't know what to say. I'm destroyed. people have become dicks, and are ruining the one thing that is an escape from the shittyness of the world... End rant... Thanks for reading. Cheers and ride on.
  • + 1
 I may not be able to relate to your situation but I can imagine how bad it must have felt to take sht for building a trail. Damn. My problem is frustration with online world and shitty opinions people have - I have no fkng idea how could I get into a state where I care about it. What the F is wrong with me to take someone's farts as a reality. Everyone feel shitty things about other people and intenret is place where that sht comes out. But just because someone says "29ers are gay" or "E-bikes will bring trail closures" doesn't mean he is a total fkturd in his everyday life, no matter how dumb is such statement it cannot tell the story of everyday life of such individual. I have no fkng idea why I care... I'm simply ashamed of myself.

So in my case it was not liking people who don't like other people. I meet a few trail pimps in my town occasionally, and yea they are annoying when they open their mouth (especially after you see them ride) but I see where they come from, that is having some sort of life as everyone else, jumping on a bike and trying to feel as confident. But here comes another problem of mine, a kind of existential issue: I envy those people. I envy their self confidence to spill absolute bollocks out of their mouth and be cocky about it. Like an alcoholic sports couch expert I know, who never achieved anything in his life, fkd up lives of his kids and wife to a great degree, but lives a vision of himself as a great sportsman that he was in his 20s. He can spend hours telling you how stupid are certain footballers, tennis players, cyclists (often champions in their own trade). He can carry himself around like a fkng boss and tell others what to do and how to do it. I fkng hate him, but God, if I had his self confidence... he's the biggest douche that I have ever met by a margin. Then I saw a dude on the bus, 19-21 year old kid, who said he's a carpenter who builds hundreds of houses, that his job is crucial for the society. I mean, he's twenty, what does he do?! Carry planks, hold nails while some other guy "operates" the hammer? Perhaps I am a product of the Polish society where you ought to shut the F up, until you are world champion, tripple champ at best, and still you better watch your back because people will still point fingers.

So I'm caught in this weird situation where I btch on people talking crap on people talking crap as if they were not talking crap themselves, and eventually (and consequently) I talk crap myself to fight them. Fk... Just been to the woods in the evening, alone, walking through deep tick infested bushes tring to make a trail and I felt so in place, and the big part of it was, that I knew there's no fkng body here who would find it attractive to be here. I left my phone in the car to magnify remoteness. For a moment I could fricking feel I own something.

ehhh... Cheers!
  • + 2
 @WAKIdesigns: Life can get that way when we are not intentional about who we are and how we will interact with the world. I know that in my limited time to pursue those activities that feed my soul, I have chosen not to engage with those who are filled with negative attitudes and expressions. Life is too short to wallow in the bog of negativity.
Love your family, and embrace the love they share with you. I can't imagine at the end of life saying "I wish I'd spent more time engaging with trolls online, or being at work."
I work to seek those things (activities, thoughts, expressions, relationships etc.) that sustainably support a life I can wake up in the morning excited to engage in. Can I sincerely respond "Today is the best day of my life."? Since today is, in reality, the only day I have... this moment is the only moment in which I exist, how do I occupy this moment in life-affirming ways?
I know this sounds like a hippie feel-good mantra, but I've come to this place after a year of serious mortality reminders. It is working for me, though it hasn't solved all my relationship concerns, nor made me the perfect parent, nor quelled my concerns for the future of the planet or the political situation in my country... What it has changed is my approach to the life I lead. To my responses to challenges whether they are physical, psychological, work related, relational... I'm pretty confident that most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we have to live this life. As with riding, some toolkits serve their owners, while others seem to hold them back and are woefully inadequate for the situations faced either on the trail or in life. I can't control what tools others carry. What I can control is what I carry and how I use them. Do I use them to repair and support, or do I keep them for myself and mock someone else for not having an adequate toolkit? What do I do when I realize that I don't have the necessary tool for a situation?
Life is challenging, and not all of us travel with the same tools, nor knowledge of how to use them to the benefit of ourselves and others. I also consider the Buddhist notion that I am responsible for my intent, not the results. What was the intent of my words or actions? Were they intended to uplift and to affirm life? The way others respond is their responsibility, not mine. I can work to ensure that my intent is clear, but how others respond, or the results of what I say/do I can let go of.
Some thoughts from an old fart.
  • + 1
 @reverend: thank you for this. I enjoy reading it as always. But I am reluctant to reply to not feed the monster that brought me to this doubt-filled state of mind. Intention is a biggie and as we say in Poland "hell is paved with Hitlers good intentions", because as you are surely conscious of, there are various layers and "chemical" components to any intention. And big part of my being here is the demon of Jungians "wise old man", feeding on ego's pleasuring itself by feeling smart by spouting out pseudo-wisdoms, supposedly enriching the mankind with the legacy of it's "wonderful" thought. Which off course is nothing more but a composite of things I heard from others and found them relatable with each other, after selective filtering out stuff I found irrelevant. As it happens on the fly the quality of filtering and compositing cannot really be high, but as long as it sounds as a quite unusal set of different bit of information. But it can sound "interesting". The problem is off course that more than often this is the case of unapplied knowledge and sooner or later this "truth" comes to surface and torments the "wise one" as obviously there are limits to how much knowledge we can apply. Playing with paradoxes, even the conscious ones tend end with the crushing power of singularity of what you have actualy done of what you said is right to do. I got it just lately that ability to dig in subconsciousness (like "shadow work") is nothing to be especially fond of, because who gets anywhere by constantly going through his cellar and even sewage. Here comes the "ignorance is a blessing". I'm curious I feel the need to know what's there but I feel it stops me from functioning properly on the surface. ehhh... it got long again. Anyways, I found a cool and productive group of people at Ryan Leech site, I'll dwell there for some time now and try not to jump on people with my predatory, world&mind curious inner beast. I do have to keep the beast at bay there. And perhaps that's the best thing about being there...
  • + 1
 @WAKIdesigns: Intent is, perhaps, different from 'good intentions'. The road to hell being paved with 'good intentions' is a common maxim in the Western world, it seems. But in Buddhist thinking of intent, as I understand it, the goal is only ever to save one's self. Others are responsible for working out their own enlightenment. The notion of good intentions seems to refer to actions directed at others, or society in general, rather than working for personal enlightenment. Being negative towards others brings me no closer to enlightenment, so I choose to not engage in that behavior. A much different kind of intent than the 'good intentions' that brought us the Holocaust, or prohibition, or movie ratings, or words one cannot say on television... Those are all directed at saving or improving others or society based on a person or group's notion of what is good.
  • + 2
 I quit Facebook because of the troll thing. I mean, I deleted 4 years of posts and photos. Then I deactivated my account. Too many people's Sun rises and sets on that bullshit site. So many people who think they can say what they want and their opinions matter to everyone on the planet. So many people expect you to feel the same way they (the MAJORITY) do, and rag on you if you don't. This is happening a lot of the time on this site lately (maybe always has), and it depressed me. I logged off. I didn't post for days . Weeks even. I'm kinda creeping back on lately coz I have an obsession with bikes. I'm not always politically correct, and i often post while drunk, coz what else is there to do when im not out riding ? so theres times i post what i think is funny/witty at the moment, and that shouldnt be anyones business but my own. Down-vote me, fine . But I think it's dumb that certain words are taboo. I think it's stifling when a person expresses an opinion, and people feel the need to provide CORRECTION for their poor, wayward fellows.
  • + 1
 I felt the same way about Facebook many times. It is an amazing platform, It just blows my mind how great it is if you filter out crap of word fights and advertising. And I think using this filtering is the only way to go, treating it as a bunch of bugs flying around the room. Through many years I learned to greet the bees and butterflies, sometimes slap a fly if it refused to go away, but I can identify hornet nests rather quickly. I may be friends with a few wasps but that also means I know how not to make them angry or too excited with certain topics. The biggest paradox for me is the "green hornets" trying to make the world a better place, saving the planet or their own body and evangelizing others on the correct ways. The amount of hate they are able to spit in a theoretically holistic-value charged post is amazing. I think you know what I mean, from what you wrote. Hey! Stop emissions, stop murdering seals in Svalbard, new bill will destroy livelyhoods of thousand of people etc.etc. Pretending to be a defender of the little ones while the huge part of such post is nothing more but a survey of your peer group: who agrees with you and who doesn't, finding friends and enemies. No, not checking if someone may agree with you, no, fully intentional check of who will join your war party and who to fight. Among people you marked as "Friends" and you hope they follow you - WTF?! You just read the thing and feel this sick intention instantly. I've been a couch warrior for preservation of the planet. I still am a high caliber hornet, no doubt about that, I can come in and fk sht up in a matter of one, two comment exchanges, I can just strike with intellectualized malice with intent to hurt as hard as I can, and I have done it against close friends, even my mother once. I had an argument with my mother about my Facebook post... I tend to realize the negative impact I am making. So it is here. And recently I relized AGAIN how negative impact this pseudo intellectualism has on my own life, on my own family.
  • + 3
 Waki,

The people around you are far more important than a bunch of (mostly) faceless beings spouting off on PB.

You know the question.
And you probably know the answer!!!

Enjoy.

En comes from enable by the way.
Dave
  • + 5
 Did alcohol have any influence on this post
  • + 1
 I feel the bike world is quite "toxic" and when you mix it with social media that can also be quite toxic, you gotta be careful to not be swallowed into the supermassive shithole.

Not sure if it is the work+school combo that is burning me out, or the bike world that tends to be a mega downer, or if I'm just due for some good ol'change but I've been burnt out on biking lately, even if like 2 months ago I couldn't get enough. I guess it is all little bit of "all of the above".

Keep your head up and prioritize.
  • + 1
 Anonymity on the internet can turn a lot of people into nasty pieces of work. Sometimes it is good to put them in their place whilst reminding them that the people they speak to online have put just as much pride/work into their bikes and riding as the troll has.

I think the hard part for many people is knowing when a joke has gone too far or that their attitude isn't appropriate.

Sometimes all that is needed to cool ones mind is a bike ride. Lucky this is a biking forum then eh? Wink People expect you to ride your bike and not reply for days at a time.
  • + 2
 Yea, I'll set it as a rule... of wait I just broke it
  • + 1
 @WAKIdesigns: You can't break the "Take days to reply" rule, it has too much air-of-mystery about it. "What was WAKI doing that day, he didn't post anything, what even is life anymore!?" and so-on.
  • + 2
 @SASchofield52: Once you comment sht loads you'll rather quickly find people looking down on you, as if they were doing more before 9am on monday than rest of the world during the whole week. Yes the mystery: basically everyone who comments rarely is obviously having a full time job, builds trails every other day, rides every day, some even twice: road/xc on the way to work, DH after work, they do road trip each weekend, travels to NZ or Whistler for a month each year, and on top of it all they do sick edits. All that in crappy weather off course. I remember when one dude told me he's an engineer in medical sector with family&kids, he rides or builds 5 hours a day, almost everyday. Another engineer with family told me he climbs 6000ft a day at least. It was an argument about front mechs. He told me that 4500ft is a warm up for him. Both guys obviously ride as much or more than my brother in law who is a full on pro roadie, racing TDF, Giro, Vuelta and what not...
  • + 1
 If you are feeling too guilty feel free to donate an antidote to a poor family man in NZ (me) to help salve your conscience...

lol
  • + 1
 Waki

Love you just the way you are!

;-)

Keep up the good work, alcohol and what ever else you are on! (and let me know what it is your taking as I need some too!)
  • + 1
 Wake we still love you. Drink up.
  • + 1
 Get some sleep Waki.
  • + 2
 I don't mean to make light of a serious set of issues. I am chronically short of sleep, and when I get the opportunity for a couple more hours than usual it definitely changes my outlook for the better. It doesn't solve any problems, but it definitely helps my attitude.

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