Sep 8, 2008 at 14:36
by blackpantherparty  
Hilarious apologyBrad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right
now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would
ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that
happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much
to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I
absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged
between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different
person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a
smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I
am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am
also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't
reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and
I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
happened. I am so sorry.



Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away
under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken @#$& I couldn't care
less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and
forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red Sock with a
load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because
you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you
went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2
hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't F**k
him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less
if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your World revolves
around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure
it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone
else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my
friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the
average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much
respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in
spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder
thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,



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