6 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry in February 2022

Mar 7, 2022 at 9:01
by Henry Quinney  
Big-bike wants you to believe this article is factual, whereas I can assure you it isn't.

Rejoice as Bars Can Become Even Wider Due to Intense Deforestation

If only we could kill two birds with one stone and make the new wider bars from timber.

Great news for aggressive singletrack riders as new projections revealing further worldwide deforestation in the coming years means that handlebars can become even wider - increasing stability further.

Professor Mogfoganall, of the IPA league university Rocklecompton, says that her study suggests that the greater clearance for bars could not only kill off the handguard sector but give rise to drastic increase in width, and maybe even negative effective length stems.

“When the bicycle was first ridden off road, the world was so thick with trees, bars had to be as narrow as 200mm, but now, thanks to the advances in rampant consumerism, bars could potentially swell to sizes up to 1.5 meters. This is great news for not only mountain biking but also those who, like myself, think that nature is kind of icky.”

People Who Walk Their Cats on Leashes 80% More Likely to Ride eMTBs

"Sometimes, I don't know who's walking who! Lol!"

The latest research carried out by the Pet’s Alliance today shows that there is a direct correlation between people who try and treat their cats as dogs and those who try and treat their motorbikes as bicycles.

We spoke to one cat-walking enthusiast Nutella Johnson. “Well, you see, I know I could just let the cat outside on their own but I’d worry Captain Schumacher is too delicate to face the hardship, and it’s a similar story with me and the bike”.

It’s also been revealed that eMTBs are 67% more likely to conflate their cat responding to instruction with absolute coincidence.

Mountain biking not just a sport for the rich, Says Lord Tindlebottom of Upton Moneysbury

Lord Tindlebottom's bike storage room.

Mountain biking is categorically not a sport for the rich, according to one regular member of the landed gentry.

“Firstly, it’s only a thousand acres - so more of a garden than an estate, really. Plus, the 15-bedroom house I inherited is a nightmare for insurance and cleaning. Mr Bunglesworth, the butler, is de-cobwebbing 19 hours a day, six days a week. We let him have Sundays off because we’re chill like that, yah? But yes - the biking”.

“I mean if you haven’t got the desire and wherewithal to own your private shuttle vehicle, then just get off the road. It slows my chauffeur Mr Toombsbury down. Secondly, if you can’t scrape together the small sum of $8000 to buy a bike then you’re probably not the kind of person who would have the determination to enjoy mountain biking anyway.”

Mountain Bikers Confused - Who’s the Bad Guy Again?

Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch laughs in evil.

Mountain bikers this month are very confused, and just don’t know who the bad guy is anymore. Redbull, who were good but also apparently bad have lost the rights from the UCI, who are good but also apparently bad, to Discovery, who are good but also apparently bad, and it’s been reported on by MikeBike, who are owned by good but also apparently bad Inside Socket Media.

We asked local mountain biker Freedom McClure for his thoughts, “I just don’t know who I can complain to about the oppressive media stopping me from riding my bike in the woods anymore or thinking for myself. Somebody - tell me to think for myself! Ahh!”

“Don’t twist my words, man - you'd best not make me vaguely comprehensible,” he added.

Transition Making eMTB the Largest Shift to Mainstream Culture Since Zain Malik Left One Direction

The devastation has been likened to the break up of the Beatles.

Bellingham based Transition Bike’s release of their new eMTB is the largest shift in mainstream culture in the last 10 years, but is largely affecting the same group of people.

The teenagers, who are in the throes of puberty induced mood swings and high-sugar diets, can’t understand how Transition could make their first e-bike without consulting them, just like they couldn’t understand the demise of the UK based pop group.

“How can they do it? How can they make the best decision for them without considering me! Especially when I’m the one affected most by it!” One enraged user posted on twitter.

Another, Lenny Quimby, stated that the two maxims he tries to live his life by have proven again to be true. "Your heroes will let you down" he warned us, before continuing "And don't eat brown, or even yellow snow for that matter. Neither are great."

Mountain Bike Brand Admits It Holds Desire to Make Money From Bicycle Industry

Making money from your profession? Sickening.

Unthinkable news this week as industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom has revealed the shock revelation that bike brands intend to make money from their companies.

A brazen Yoghurtbottom isn’t even ashamed of his views as he explains - “Yes, we want to make money, and yes we’re going to package our products in a way that makes them look most appealing, whether they’re actually radically different from other things we make or not. Listen, the new iPhone won’t change your life, and neither will a 27.5” fun trail bike. True happiness comes from within, but if you’re shallow enough to believe a slightly different wheel diameter will change everything, then you deserve to be shilled for all you're worth on sheer principle.”

The news has shocked the whole industry, with one rival brand manager claiming that he sees this as underhand and going against the unspoken rules of fair play.

“Yoghurtbottom can’t just market products by selling abstract thoughts like fun or stable depending on what he wants to make the reader think! It’s not okay. It’s not a perfume advert for shit’s sake. We stick to the rules - poorly taken lifestyle shots, ex-pros milking it, and paid-to-play reviews with YouTubers.”

Author Info:
henryquinney avatar

Member since Jun 3, 2014
336 articles

  • 106 1
 This is the only credible news I trust.
  • 5 0
 I prefer chainslap news, the original
  • 98 3
 How dare companies make business decisions! Hell, they're probably making a profit!!! Infuriating
  • 52 0
 "People Who Walk Their Cats on Leashes 80% More Likely to Ride eMTBs"

Are you spying on me?
  • 49 6
 Pussies can't pedal
  • 3 1
 @wobbem: you ain't a kitten
  • 10 0
 "67% more likely to conflate their cat responding to instruction with absolute coincidence."

Truth. I told my cat to shut up six times this morning. She finally understood on the seventh go. Very successful training session. I absolutely will not go through this again every day until one of us dies.
  • 42 1
 "If only we could kill two birds with one stone"

You mean get two birds stoned at once, right?
  • 12 0
 The birds are all spying on you. They're clockwork you know....
  • 17 0
 Birds aren't real
  • 2 0
 @joeybwonderful: operation mockingbird confirms that /s
  • 2 0
 @joeybwonderful: birds are just proof that the Illuminati has had high tech A. I. drone technology for centuries.
  • 20 0
 This is very clever but the hidden in the subtext is Mr Quinney's own agenda, using a satire to make us comfortable with a Transition eMTB. Having fled the United Kingdom under a cloud the author's offshore accounts are still being bolstered to the tune of 5 Brexits for every bike sold, 10B for every Transition. If this sounds laughable scour the internet for proof this Chunnel denier is not receiving payments from big MTB, you will find none.
  • 9 0
 You are spot on. The evidence is right there in Henry's name:

"The surname Quinney was first found in County Tyrone (Irish:Tír Eoghain), the ancient territory of the O'Neills, now in the Province of Ulster, central Northern Ireland, where they held a family seat from ancient times. They were directly descended from King Colla da Crioch, the Irish King of Ulster, who was banished to Scotland with 350 Clann chiefs in the year 327."

So Henry is in fact a descendant of the very landed-gentry he pretends to lampoon.

You know what else they have in Northern Ireland now? 5G, that's what. Coincidence? I frikkin doubt it.
  • 2 0
 @Woody25: Can you guys stop sending us your cast offs? (You too, Australia)
  • 6 0
 @Woody25: Ah yes, old grand pappy De la Crotch. Now leave me alone whilst I hunt grouse from an e-bike tagalong.
  • 2 0
 @rrolly: Ok- but you take Celine Dion back!
  • 12 0
 Just wondering how many actually walk their cats on a leash WHILE riding an ebike.
  • 19 0
 the cat can tow them, when the battery/ motor dies..
  • 12 0
 There are not enough trailcat videos featured on pinkbike. Obviously a part of the global anti-trailcat conspiracy.
  • 4 0
 I had to buy a new 27.5” e-whip for exactly this reason. My 29” was too much of a plow and didn’t respond to the playfulness inherent in cat leash rides
  • 12 2
 I've really soured on Yoghurtbottom, this news has left a bad taste in my mouth.
  • 1 1
 near the roof ?
  • 26 0
 he's not nearly as cultured as he likes to think.
  • 1 0
 @savagelake: You deserve more props for that one.
  • 1 0
 He’s sweet deep down, but agree he’s trying to milk it for all it’s worth
  • 11 0
  • 10 0
 Nutella Johnson is my porn name.
  • 1 0
 "I'm Buck Naked"
  • 1 0
  • 5 0
 "Eat, Play, Love" ? Did Gareth Yoghurtbottom write the latest Outside magazine cover?

  • 4 0
 Jesus wept.
  • 1 0
 Wow max cringe, is it real?
  • 5 0
 Wow, putting the repeater in the same category as zayne malik, well done pb
  • 11 7
PinkBike reported on several relevant, interesting components from Taipei Bicycle Trade Show.
  • 1 0
 I’m confused, am I supposed to be upset about consumerism and deforestation; while at the same time, not care about companies trying to sell me another standard or something I really don’t need?

Are the same mood swing teenagers, mad at transition also writing these PB articles?
  • 2 0
 Message is the same as always - just think for yourself and don't swallow things whole. You're not "meant" to think anything.
  • 1 0
 @henryquinney: AND allow your perceptions to evolve as the understanding grows.
  • 1 0
 @henryquinney: "You're not "meant" to think anything"

phew, i'm glad to hear i've been doing it right this whole time
  • 1 0
 @sudochuckwalla: that's exactly what he wants you to think.
  • 4 0
 Had to think of a new one after srm built those pedals hey?
  • 2 0
 Lord Tindlebottom's bike storage room is so big, they can't fit the part with bikes in the frame... Legend has it he only rides bikes from Santa Cruz and Yeti...
  • 3 0
 Rumor is that he's only been financially backing battery tech so that he can finally get one large enough to make a complete lap of his property on a single charge.
  • 3 0
 "Mountain biking isn't only for the rich" - Lord Tindlebottom (said while adjusting his $300 Pit Viper Monocle)
  • 1 0
 "It’s also been revealed that eMTBs are 67% more likely to conflate their cat responding to instruction with absolute coincidence." Can someone translate please I have a headache.
  • 4 1
 Dick Pound, always, always the bad guy!
  • 2 0
 Finally we can overcome the massive limitations for our riding that our current 820mm wide bars place upon us.
  • 1 0
 Do not forget you can also start a fire to let enough space for your bar if you find the global warming is not doing its job fast enough.
  • 2 0
 .... Was this a joke or actually true? Hard to tell.
  • 2 0
 The first joke was a little dark, sadly... Frown
  • 1 0
 "People Who Walk Their Cats on Leashes 80% More Likely to Ride eMTBs"
No! No, no, no! Just NO! Not true!!
  • 1 0
 "people who think nature is kind of icky"

Brilliant. Give Mr Quinney an award.
  • 2 0
 This is the most trustworthy news source I have.
  • 1 0
 I LOL’d at the last two! And a couple of the comments. Great Saturday morning read
  • 6 9
 seeing a cat on a leash : "LOL What a loser! they probably ride eMTBs and have a blue tooth controlled dildo!"
seeing a dog on a leash: "what a good dog owner"

this one stumps me. for what reason would I need to leash my dog that wouldn't also apply to a cat?
  • 10 1
 My only guess is that people aren't as afraid of a cat biting them as a dog.
  • 8 0
 I've seen leashed rabbits taken for a walk...where does that rank between walking a dog (good) and a cat (weird)
  • 2 0
 @SATN-XC: Hell they even make leashes for iguanas and bearded dragons haha.
  • 1 4
 @rcrocha: that argument completely falls apart once we get to smaller dogs tho lol. pretty sure nobody is worried about a rabid pomeranian
  • 2 0
 @SATN-XC: imo anything that you don't want to lose control of should be on a leash. dog, cat, significant other, what have you.
  • 3 0
 @SATN-XC: I have a friend who used to take his rabbit to bars. Like shooting fish in a barrel from there.

No idea if he leash walked it, so maybe this isn’t the most relevant comment. But I’m betting no one would question the reasons once the results came in. For a dude anyway.
  • 6 0
 It would be like putting a hitch on a Prius. Yeah, it’s the same reason you put a hitch on a truck. But one is stupid.
  • 1 0
 @Caligula1620: they should be
  • 5 0
 @Caligula1620: In my experience it's the small dogs that are more likely to try to bite you.
  • 2 0
 All cats should be free range. This is clearly cat abuse!
  • 1 0
 @Blackhat: truth, bro.
  • 1 0
 The Sedona mtb festival was lit..sorry didn't happen
  • 1 0
 These articles are great!
  • 5 8
 The obviously humor-challenged author should be behind bars!
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