8 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up
Art by Taj Mihelich
Join us as we take a look at things that definitely didn't happen in the bicycle industry this month.
Calling It “Early Season” When There’s Two Feet of Snow Taken by Mountain Biker as the Provocation It Was Intended to Be
A 42 person brawl erupted in early January at a local cafe after mountain biker Freedom McClure took a local skier saying “I can’t believe it’s still only early season” as the insult it was intended to be.
McClure, who had just fallen over three times thanks to the 6 inches of solid ice covering the car park and has not ridden his bike in six weeks, reportedly yelled “Chest deep this you yuppy shitbag” as he swung chairs, kicked a child in an Arcteryx jacket in the face and pushed over an elderly man who just happened to be wearing a buff.
It took thirteen skiers, who thanks to their weak and puny bodies from merely doing a hobby and not a real sport were no match for an aggravated mountain bicyclist, to eventually restrain him fully.
Lubrication Manufacturer Defends Their Right to Not Label Axis in European Supreme Court
"There's no issue here. The results speak for themselves".
A prominent lubrication manufacturer has taken their battle to the supreme court this month as they defend their right to not add any quantity, descriptions or values to their graphs other than “good” and “bad”.
Industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom was stone-faced and obstinate as he explained “What’s the problem? The only thing you need to know is that our chain oil scores higher at being good and theirs scores higher at being bad. We did loads of tests but you wouldn’t understand them - it’s better this way.”
MTB Journalist Pens Controversial, Brave Opinion Piece in Which He Claims Bikes Should be Cheaper, More Durable, Compatible, and Also Locally Made
The man is an inspiration. Move over, John Simpson.
An intrepid blogger has stepped up to the plate this week to tell people what they want to hear.
Justin Timbersnake laid out the blueprints for his dream of mountain biking, as well as letting out some far-fetched opinions.
“Bikes should be cheaper… and better… and locally sourced with infinite cross compatibility while also always being incrementally improved… but also should see wholesale changes like the implementation of gearboxes. Oh, and they need to be lighter, too.”
The courageous piece titled “Sometimes the lowest hanging fruit is also the tastiest” has been greeted with widespread approval and even those in hardened literary circles have praised Timbersnake for his hard-hitting journalism. Nutella Johnson, reporting from a basement in North Korea, called Timbersnake a “true hero”.
Man Is Still Talking About the One Time He Took Mushrooms, 3 Months On
Lenny Quimby is still telling anyone that will listen about the one time he got lost in a woods in the autumn. Quimby, who’s well out of his depth in both drug culture, as well as culture in general, seems to have accidentally started using surfing terms to describe his experience.
“I was just in the pocket man, riding the barrel. I was so pitted!" Quimby was overheard telling a cashier at a gas station when he actually should have been pumping out articles for Mike Bike. The lack of new and original content on the mountain biking website is not down to the harsh winter weather, the global pandemic, the holiday season, or a lull in new product releases, instead it is in fact solely down to Quimby's desire to speak about nothing other than his botched trip and refusal to write anything about bikes for the last three months.
Quimby who, before his foray into surf-slang, went under evaluation from a board of local experts, has spent every day since the events googling “Have I lost my mind?” whilst eating cold baked beans out of the can and listening to Pat Benetar.
“I was just in the pocket man, riding the barrel. I was so pitted!" Quimby was overheard telling a cashier at a gas station when he actually should have been pumping out articles for Mike Bike. The lack of new and original content on the mountain biking website is not down to the harsh winter weather, the global pandemic, the holiday season, or a lull in new product releases, instead it is in fact solely down to Quimby's desire to speak about nothing other than his botched trip and refusal to write anything about bikes for the last three months.
Quimby who, before his foray into surf-slang, went under evaluation from a board of local experts, has spent every day since the events googling “Have I lost my mind?” whilst eating cold baked beans out of the can and listening to Pat Benetar.
”Wait... hello? It's cut out again. Weird."
Man is Successfully Influenced to Do the Exact Opposite of a Local Pro
A recent photo by Beckingham captioned "When I'm alone in nature in a beautiful place I get this existential dread and I worry that people aren't thinking about me enough. People are probably wanting to know what I think about nature. I should definitely tell them it's beautiful and also try and show that expression in my face."
Ken Oath has sworn an oath of fealty to do the exact opposite of local Strava pro Todd “The Bod” Beckingham. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Oath informed us, “It’s the weird selfies, the rubber-faced pained expressions on the turbo trainer… the awful edits or the TikTok dances. It’s too much. I know for a fact that guy is buying his bikes for near full retail and just hashtagging for no apparent reason. He must have spent thousands to keep up this charade. I don’t know if it’s brand loyalty to the extreme or a severe bout of delusion but it’s just too much”.
Ken Oath is so unimpressed with Beckingham’s actions that he has sworn to never buy anything from any brand that supports him, purely due to the cringe factor alone.
In other news, local police hostage negotiator Hannah Anna Pethrington has today told of her success in a new approach to dealing with local influencers. Pethrington coaxed Tony Seagull down from three posts a week about strapping your iPhone to your mountain bike handlebars by agreeing to buy just one, on the condition they never bring it up again.
Industry Still Reeling as Brandon Semunuk Bring Ballroom Moves to Rampage and Shows What a Trek Without Knockblock is Capable Of
The whirly-durly in action.
Shockwaves are still being felt through the mountain biking scene this winter as Brandon Semenuk showed what a Trek with uninhibited bar rotation could accomplish.
The bike, a non-KnockBlock equipped something-or-other-they-all-look-the-same-to-me-I’m-gonna-guess-slash, was spun round in a move Semunuk says he learnt in his Tuesday night ballroom dancing class.
“Doing the spinny trick thing on a bike actually came to me that very morning as I ate my Frosties. I looked at that picture of Tony the Tiger and felt a wave of inspiration washing over me. I took that KnockBlock out and knew I was good to go”.
Rider Who Hates Idlers Shocked to Find Out How Much Slower DH Tyres Are
Idlers are there with the sole intention of ruining climbing performance, according to one prominent BC journalist.
“You’re bloody joking? How much?” These were the haunting words of anti-idler enthusiast Tabatha Toblerone upon her discovery that the half a watt lost to the idler pales in comparison to heavier, grippier tyres.
“Next you’ll be telling me that my 190mm Zebs are heavier than some StepCast 32s… they are!?”
“It’s almost as if there are lots of things that decrease a bike’s efficiency that have very tangible performance gain when descending the bike… but that just can’t be true. It’s the idler that is the sole reason why a 40lb coil-sprung 180mm bike doesn’t pedal well, and I won’t hear otherwise.”
Nothing Escapes Bike’s Designers Penchant for Motivational Sayings
You can do it.
Mountain bike chief designer Leanne Der Fall not only is responsible for handy sayings such as “pedal, damn it” on the top tube of all the bikes she designs, but also sells motivational stickers for any number of household items.
Her new season’s collection involves a “eat, damn it” slogan on a plate as well as a “shit, damn it” motif on a toilet seat.
"It can really give you that edge when you're pushing hard" she explained.
In other reports, one man is furious at the misspelling of "Accept no imitations" on his counterfeit DMR Death Grips. He also admits he's been pronouncing the name of his Cannondale F-Si HiMod as Fisheye Mod for months. And a woman in Ottery St Mary is bemused by the naming of her Polygon Square One which doesn't feature a single straight frame tube.
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@PAmtbiker: be safe; be well
Henry Quinney….
Nah, it can’t be
Seriously though, did this article feel a little self-serving-let's-not-mince-words-circle-jerky, noo definetly not.
*Better let the baguettes harden before you hit us with them after you hit the coffee shop.
By saying somethin' stupid like, "First comment"