Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Oct 5, 2022 at 9:46
by Henry Quinney  
Pirelli Tire Designer Names First Born Child Scorpion

Scorpion HumanChild Male 1.0™ meet Mr Scorpion™ Bear!

"I shall name him Scorpion HumanChild Male 1.0™!" declared Pirelli tyre designer Hannah Anna Pethrington.

"When looking for a new name, I just thought of John or Sam and I thought - what does that say? Is it big and imposing enough? Scorpion™, on the other hand is a wonderful name for anything. Every single tire I've ever made is called Scorpion™. My cat is called Scorpion™. My house is called Scorpionland™. Now, it's great to call my first born child Scorpion™ too!"



Santa Cruz Release “Own Medicine” Project, Motivated Exclusively by Spite

How hard can it be?

Santa Cruz have today announced that they will make 10 different links to help tune the “slap dash” Crestline & Cascade collaboration.

“Well, you see, they might have had an idea with their links or leverage curves. Maybe they spent literally years and countless hours getting them just how they want. However, my boy Barry is a wiz on CAD. We measured the points from a photo and will make links available in 5% increments of progressivity, from 40% to 90%. You buy these links in batches of three and swap them out mid-ride for the ultimate tuning experience,” an unnamed source told us.

“Spite is an energy, a motivation that we can harness to push ourselves and our design team to new heights, and my god it feels fantastic.”




Whole World Now Knows that Man Dented Rim

"30 psi too, I just ride that hard."

“Yep, downhill tires… yep… downhill insert, and yes, that is a ding you see. When you shred like I do, casualties are inevitable,” Lenny Quimby informed a petrol station attendant that in no way asked, or had any real concept of what mountain biking was.

“You see, you can’t put a saddle on a mustang, though you may try. In fact, these 1400g tires tried and their friend Mr Wheelsbury paid the price. When my heels go down, lights go out. Be warned, wheels.”

Unverified reports suggest Quimby has changed his instagram bio to “non-euphemistic rim dinger,” leading Meta to remove them from the platform as it was cringeworthy enough to be considered hate speech under their terms and conditions.



Winner of World Cups Plans to Not Spend All Prize Money at Once, Puts 73p Into Retirement Fund

Makes it all worth it.

We know he's capable of some amazing feats on the bike but we were perhaps not prepared for equally impressive financial management from the apparently fiscally astute winner of the 2022 overall, Emanual Peerson.

"Well, I know I've got to live a little now, and part of being the best in the world at an extreme sport comes with certain expectations of at least a little bit of indulgence after a big win. That's why I decided to spend 35 cents on two Freddos, one for me and one behind the counter for everyone to share, and the rest I've put aside for a rainy day. Thanks so much to the UCI for helping me maintain this decadent lifestyle!"



'Downhill Just as Good as Enduro' Crowd Eerily Silent

"Dan Atherton could never design stages like this!"

"Anything you can ride on a downhill bike, I can ride on my enduro bike - including sprinting up this fire road, as demonstrated in this EWS race footage" Todd "The Bod" Buckingham told us after his seventh cola flavoured popsicle after completing the influencer subcategory of the EWS 100.

"Pushing your limits on the most challenging downhill tracks? That sounds tedious. No, real racing should include large amounts of fire road sprinting, and a complex bartering system of gelatin sweets at the top of each run as you all hope to not go into hypoglycemic shock as you share a space blanket between five of you - that's living, baby, and the best part is that it all happened in a hotbed of 5G phone signal, so my followers could enjoy the exhilaration of people they don't really know going up and down the same mountain at, but never concurrently, in real time. Not much uptake this weekend though, apparently something called Hardline is on - whatever that is. Apparently there aren't even any YouTubers doing it. Sounds pointless."



Start-Up to Build On Short Crank Revolution

"320mm too long if you ask me."

Bike designer Ken Oath has seized upon the short crank revolution and is able to offer cranks over 350mm shorter than the closest competitor. The inverse-length design of his new prototype could change mountain biking design, he says, by letting bottom bracket heights become significantly lower.

"My cranks are so short because they actually reduce in length until they reach 0mm at the BB axle, and then they just keep getting shorter as they go out the other side. It might look like they're just 165mm standard downhill cranks, but you've got to remember to inverse the measurement. Hope have done something cool - but I've done something cooler. These cranks aren't 165mm, they're actually -165mm and run completely inverse of what it might appear, giving you more ground clearance."



Man Doesn't Understand Why Race is Not About Him

Lads, lads, lads!

The children were crying, the dogs were barking, and as crowds wiped the blood away from their exploded eardrums they exclaimed in shock that 23-year-old presumed incel Justin Timbersnake and his friends may well be immune to the expiration novelty and utterly bereft of imagination, but aren't in fact involuntarily celibate.

Timbersnake, who struggles to accept that the wonderment of a chainsaw with the cutting blade remove isn’t what people attend a downhill race to see, made sure everyone enjoyed the race with no conversation or remark by drowning out any noise that didn’t serve as a way for him to garner attention, until people just gave up and accepted that downhill isn’t meant to be remarked upon.





94 Comments

  • 139 2
 Negative crank lengths for the win!

“I used to ride left foot forward, but now I ride right foot forward… with my left foot forward.”
  • 37 1
 I still do, but I used to too
  • 6 0
 @initforthedonuts: do you need a receipt for your donuts?
  • 11 0
 @ratedgg13:
Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that donut.
I’ve got a receipt right here. Oh wait, it’s at home. On the file. Under D, for donut
  • 23 0
 My rebound is set three clicks open from the fully open position, this way you get more of less rebound.
  • 5 1
 Good thing that oppo is a palyndrome
  • 3 0
 @TH3MACK: My cranks go to eleven.
  • 1 2
 I have to try this…
I’m sure that you just find the way how can I be faster uphill with my downhill e-bike…
  • 1 0
 That was meant as an upvote
  • 2 0
 @initforthedonuts: Classic Mitch Hedberg
  • 57 1
 Hey, the Pirelli child still has a better name than Elon's kid!
  • 7 0
 What was Elon's kid's name again, i forgot, was it R2D2?
  • 11 0
 @kazwei: nah, it had some special characters and numbers in it, just like a good password.
  • 28 2
 @theobviousfaker: mashable.com/article/elon-musk-grimes-baby-name-well-actually

Could have saved a lot of trouble and called him Tw@ Jr.
  • 50 4
 Ha yes. Just F right off with your chainsaw. The only good thing about the televised races during the "pandemic" was no spectators.
  • 21 2
 I'm pleased I'm not the only one who hates them!
  • 18 0
 @korev: at the World Champs some French lunatic attached a trumpet to the chainsaw exhaust to multiply the volume.

It was the work of an evil genius and I fully expect that to be copied across the Alps next year.
  • 5 0
 @HankHank: that was the case aswell at Lenzerheide Worlds a couple years back and at the MXGP in Frauenfeld multiple people. Even with ear plugs and 20m distance it felt like getting tinnitus or some other ear damage any moment.
2-Stroke race bikes are quiet in comparison...
  • 6 0
 I mean I like hearing em at a section or two, top to bottom for sure annoying.

The one that drives me crazy, is the damn vuvuzela's/horns, things sound like a moist fart coming out of the crowd SO ANNOYING.
  • 5 5
 @HankHank: you bongs are just mad Les Gets DHWC is cooler than the boring fort place with rocks
  • 4 1
 @mrmm8900: au contraire mon ami, it IS cooler and it gives us Brits an excuse for a fun holiday.

We all know the rest of the pros backed off so you Frenchies could have a 1-2-3 this year Big Grin
  • 1 0
 Is that why they quit having WC races in South Africa? Because they rather listen to a chainsaw than to a vuvuzela?
  • 5 1
 Count me in for the chainsaw hate. I would love to attend a WC race in person especially with my kids but at this point am questioning that desire due to the asinine chainsaws everywhere.
  • 1 0
 I'm sorry, but I think you mean *"chainsaws"*.
  • 42 0
 This whole post is magic! 1 vote here for Henry Quinney replacing Robin as CEO of Outside!!!
  • 16 2
 Properly funny stuff haha. Dry as a nun's hatchet wound.
  • 4 1
 @excavator666: I hope this comment gets all the recognition it deserves.
  • 4 0
 @excavator666: username checks out
  • 36 0
 BRB changing my bio to “non euphemistic rim dinger”
  • 32 0
 Just checked your bio. Left Disappointed.
  • 25 0
 "Whole World Now Knows that Man Dented Rim"
I took this personally.
  • 22 1
 "influencer subcategory of the EWS 100." Could bring more competitors to the event if it were a real category. Who doesn't want to see a whole category of the latest mass produced generic racewear with a AI generated MTB logo turn up to the event and blow up on youtube. #instalife #insta360 #mtblife #mtbdude #mtbchicks #randomgenericmtbsponsorsomethinglikegnartechracing
  • 3 0
 And the winner is determined by most views? Or some kind of voting? “Least annoying”?
  • 1 0
 @theobviousfaker: I'm edging towards most views.
  • 10 0
 @fatduke: it's all about the engagement.

"Like and subscribe, fellow senders! Click that bell button to not miss out on any of upcoming shreddits of me riding green trails at the speed of a slug on tranquilisers!"
  • 5 0
 @pensamtb: you clearly mean 'smash' the bell button
  • 2 0
 @pensamtb: Do you have a slot on GMBN?
  • 4 0
 @fatduke: i'm not selling out on GMBN, no way! I prefer to keep it real with me 3 subscribers (incl. family). Authenticity over ad revenues I say.
  • 2 0
 @pensamtb: A true pioneer.
  • 23 0
 Henry. We have missed you! Hope everything is ok!
  • 21 0
 Do they accept -$ for those inversed cranks?
  • 6 3
 Nope negative Dick Pounds...
  • 9 0
 @henry quinney
Brilliant. Literally every one made me laugh and im a grumpy bastard. you got the enduro/dh title back to front though.

As an aside, if there was some sort of kickstarter for banning the chainsaws from races id put good money into that. Especially if all the people who brought them were forced to spend the next month of their life being followed around at home by some screaming topless drunk revving a chainsaw in their ear at all hours of the day and night.
  • 1 0
 Isn't the point that the downhill crowd have no need to justify their discipline. They know it's better, we all know it's better.

I hate the chainsaws too, but banning them would be like banning lighting flares in a football stadium?
  • 3 0
 @L0rdTom: You aren't wrong. I feel a weird pang of discomfort every time I read the word "banning"... Which I wrote...Especially in DH, which is a naturally wild and exuberant sport.
It'd still be good if people didn't bring as many chainsaws though. I probably wouldn't even mind 1 or 2 (For Stevie). Probably somewhere down by the finish line with all the other loud noises. But when there are 5 of the things at every corner it gets a bit much.
  • 2 0
 Sadly humans can't be trusted to not get carried away, and it's in our own interests to ban chainsaws, vuvuzelas and even our flares.
  • 1 0
 @L0rdTom: Its a shame people cant be cooler
  • 11 0
 I have to read these in Henry's voice
  • 5 0
 I do, but then I have to read them again louder because my hearing isn't what it used to be.
  • 19 10
 I came to see the downvoted comments, but there are none. So downvote me so people escape my fate.
  • 18 2
 [Upvoted]
  • 6 0
 Inverse crank lengths aren’t that far from reality… t-cycle.com/en-ca/products/easy-knees-crank-shortener

Make em a bit longer and there you go!
  • 2 0
 Q Factor? What's that?
  • 4 0
 All of the downsides of shorter cranks with none of the advantages.
  • 2 0
 @barp: They have an R factor. It’s 1 wider.
  • 1 0
 @speedfreek $105... each!
  • 1 0
 That'd be really cool actually, to test what crank length works for you. No returns after testing crank length, though.
  • 1 0
 @excavator666: a bargain! I'll take one!
  • 2 0
 @VtVolk: I'll take the other one.
  • 1 0
 @speedfreek: This one goes to eleven.
  • 6 0
 I love every one of these, would 100% be for one of them being a segment in each pinkpod.
  • 6 0
 I love these!

“that's living, baby”

I can totally hear Henry’s voice saying this
  • 2 0
 Chainsaw powered vuvuzelas for next rear. Or if people were actually creative they should creat a chainsaw powered version of whatever wind powered instrument is associated with the country or area where the races are being held. What could possibly go wrong.
  • 4 0
 Someone is going to Google -165mm cranks now and be angry they can't find it.
  • 3 0
 So with the inverse cranks at the top of the pedal stroke your crank arm disappears and then reappears at the bottom of the stroke. No actual pedalling force needed - genius.
  • 3 0
 This enduro hitpiece is slightly deflated by the fact the top 2 qualifiers of hardline are notorious Youtubers! Some of the others are gems though.
  • 8 2
 To be fair, Kerr is first and foremost a mountain biker that puts out videos on YouTube to satisfy obligations to sponsors. He is not a “YouTuber” who post about being the king of influences at their closest ews 80.
  • 5 0
 @hardtailhowie: he just posted a 28 minute video of him doing chores around the house
  • 3 0
 The first two had me rofl'in. Also can I have some of what Henry's smoking?
  • 2 0
 Emanual Peerson needs to keep his feet on the ground and remember where he came from. Or move to Andorra to become a tax exile.
  • 6 3
 These pieces are worth the subscription fee. Thanks Lenny!
  • 1 0
 Pirelli tyre designer Hannah Anna Pethrington announces pregnancy of second child, to be named Scorpion HumanChild Female S 1.0
  • 1 2
 The bike industry continues to recycle old ideas. Short cranks have already been a thing, probably more than once. lol

I had some custom made 145mm cranks on my DH bike in the early 2000's. They allowed you to pedal in sections you normally couldn't but overall they sucked balled. lol

I have little doubt 26 wheels will be back as the go to wheel at some point. It my be 20 years & they them something else but it will happen!
  • 3 0
 Well, obviously 145mm was horrible. That's why Hope determined that 155 was IDEAL for everyone!
  • 2 0
 @spaceofades: No one size of anything is right for all lol
  • 1 0
 Loved this edition. The Scorpions on my SUV are worn out. Maybe the MTB versions will fit?
  • 1 0
 I wonder if they share the same 60,000km warranty?
  • 1 0
 Serious question.

Who actually sets the prize money figures?

UCI always gets the stick but do they stipulate the amounts?
  • 2 0
 Well 30 seconds of google-fu and the answer is that they do.

Looks like the prize money hasn’t changed since 2017 or 2018.
  • 1 0
 Nice work Henry, the scorpion one made me laugh out loud. And the Santa Cruz - Cascade thing is classic too!
  • 2 2
 Fact: Mustangs were being saddled up long , loooonnnng before biking was invented.
  • 1 0
 We need a review on that Hope high-pivot frame.
  • 1 0
 Knolly not releasing new bikes yet.
  • 1 0
 I always assumed pinkbike was a spin off of the Onion.
  • 1 0
 I actually laughed at the santa cruz link one. well done henry
  • 1 1
 Yep all really spot on funny articles.
  • 1 3
 tell me you've run out of press material without telling me you've run out of press material
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