Pirelli Tire Designer Names First Born Child Scorpion
"I shall name him Scorpion HumanChild Male 1.0™!" declared Pirelli tyre designer Hannah Anna Pethrington.
"When looking for a new name, I just thought of John or Sam and I thought - what does that say? Is it big and imposing enough? Scorpion™, on the other hand is a wonderful name for anything. Every single tire I've ever made is called Scorpion™. My cat is called Scorpion™. My house is called Scorpionland™. Now, it's great to call my first born child Scorpion™ too!"
Santa Cruz Release “Own Medicine” Project, Motivated Exclusively by Spite
Santa Cruz have today announced that they will make 10 different links to help tune the “slap dash” Crestline & Cascade collaboration.
“Well, you see, they might have had an idea with their links or leverage curves. Maybe they spent literally years and countless hours getting them just how they want. However, my boy Barry is a wiz on CAD. We measured the points from a photo and will make links available in 5% increments of progressivity, from 40% to 90%. You buy these links in batches of three and swap them out mid-ride for the ultimate tuning experience,” an unnamed source told us.
“Spite is an energy, a motivation that we can harness to push ourselves and our design team to new heights, and my god it feels fantastic.”
Whole World Now Knows that Man Dented Rim
“Yep, downhill tires… yep… downhill insert, and yes, that is a ding you see. When you shred like I do, casualties are inevitable,” Lenny Quimby informed a petrol station attendant that in no way asked, or had any real concept of what mountain biking was.
“You see, you can’t put a saddle on a mustang, though you may try. In fact, these 1400g tires tried and their friend Mr Wheelsbury paid the price. When my heels go down, lights go out. Be warned, wheels.”
Unverified reports suggest Quimby has changed his instagram bio to “non-euphemistic rim dinger,” leading Meta to remove them from the platform as it was cringeworthy enough to be considered hate speech under their terms and conditions.
Winner of World Cups Plans to Not Spend All Prize Money at Once, Puts 73p Into Retirement Fund
We know he's capable of some amazing feats on the bike but we were perhaps not prepared for equally impressive financial management from the apparently fiscally astute winner of the 2022 overall, Emanual Peerson.
"Well, I know I've got to live a little now, and part of being the best in the world at an extreme sport comes with certain expectations of at least a little bit of indulgence after a big win. That's why I decided to spend 35 cents on two Freddos, one for me and one behind the counter for everyone to share, and the rest I've put aside for a rainy day. Thanks so much to the UCI for helping me maintain this decadent lifestyle!"
'Downhill Just as Good as Enduro' Crowd Eerily Silent
"Anything you can ride on a downhill bike, I can ride on my enduro bike - including sprinting up this fire road, as demonstrated in this EWS race footage" Todd "The Bod" Buckingham told us after his seventh cola flavoured popsicle after completing the influencer subcategory of the EWS 100.
"Pushing your limits on the most challenging downhill tracks? That sounds tedious. No, real racing should include large amounts of fire road sprinting, and a complex bartering system of gelatin sweets at the top of each run as you all hope to not go into hypoglycemic shock as you share a space blanket between five of you - that's living, baby, and the best part is that it all happened in a hotbed of 5G phone signal, so my followers could enjoy the exhilaration of people they don't really know going up and down the same mountain at, but never concurrently, in real time. Not much uptake this weekend though, apparently something called Hardline is on - whatever that is. Apparently there aren't even any YouTubers doing it. Sounds pointless."
Start-Up to Build On Short Crank Revolution
Bike designer Ken Oath has seized upon the short crank revolution and is able to offer cranks over 350mm shorter than the closest competitor. The inverse-length design of his new prototype could change mountain biking design, he says, by letting bottom bracket heights become significantly lower.
"My cranks are so short because they actually reduce in length until they reach 0mm at the BB axle, and then they just keep getting shorter as they go out the other side. It might look like they're just 165mm standard downhill cranks, but you've got to remember to inverse the measurement. Hope have done something cool - but I've done something cooler. These cranks aren't 165mm, they're actually -165mm and run completely inverse of what it might appear, giving you more ground clearance."
Man Doesn't Understand Why Race is Not About Him
The children were crying, the dogs were barking, and as crowds wiped the blood away from their exploded eardrums they exclaimed in shock that 23-year-old presumed incel Justin Timbersnake and his friends may well be immune to the expiration novelty and utterly bereft of imagination, but aren't in fact involuntarily celibate.
Timbersnake, who struggles to accept that the wonderment of a chainsaw with the cutting blade remove isn’t what people attend a downhill race to see, made sure everyone enjoyed the race with no conversation or remark by drowning out any noise that didn’t serve as a way for him to garner attention, until people just gave up and accepted that downhill isn’t meant to be remarked upon.