Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Nov 7, 2022 at 8:43
by Henry Quinney  
Things other media outlets were too scared to report. Some say they didn't even happen.



”I work on my own bike - actually!”

Tea-stained certificates like this adorn fridges across the land.

Commenters have turned up in droves to tell strangers on an internet forum that they work on their own bikes, actually, with some of them even holding a 100-hour YouTube Tutorial Viewership certificate that their partners made for them using Microsoft Paint 3D.

“How dare they route the cables internally! I work on my own bike, did you know? This is an insult to those, like me, who work on their own bike. Paradoxically, although I’m basically da Vinci reincarnate when it comes to technical proficiency, I’m utterly bewildered by an entry point two inches away from the one I’m used to. Ban internally routed headsets - because I work on my own bike, actually, and the thought of releasing tension off three bolts to slide my fork out is just too complicated, even for somebody as skilled as I.”



Influencer Gets the News They Were Hoping for Upon Arrival to Hospital

All of this was seen strapped to the roof of Timbersnake's Fiat Punto.

An Instagram influencer, sponsored by all the brands you look down upon, turned up to the hospital fearing the worst after they couldn’t get unclipped from their Shimano imitation pedals during a recording of a TikTok-inspired on-bike dance.

The influencer, Justin Timbersnake, who makes you subconsciously blacklist any brand that supports them, had feared the lighting wouldn’t be up to par in the ER for the pouting I-just-broke-my-collarbone-selfie. Thankfully it was, and his mother was able to turn around halfway through her journey and return to the home that they share with the professional-grade lighting rig.



Bike Industry is Not Following Bro-Dollars After All

Clint Strawberry is the man that buys e-bike-specific drivetrain cleaner and brushes.

With the introduction of e-bikes that say they’re for everyone, while seemingly appealing to nobody, industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom has offered some clarification.

“Aggressive e-bikes with downhill tires were only the gateway to the market we were really after. Truthfully, we have no interest in you or your dual crown equipped 75 lb e-bike, your “bro-laps” or your in-between run swigs of warm lager-piss. You were just a stepping stone to our end goal.

"We realised we needed to make bikes for people that call Michael Bublé "Michael Bubble" and sing his songs one octave out of tune and a bar out of time. We were looking for the kind of people to whom “Italian heritage” is far more meaningful than modern geometry, and who refer to 50-something actor Paul Rudd as a “nice young man”. They have the big dollars. They will buy a 100mm travel XC e-bike to put on the roof of their Volvo before immediately ripping it off on the underground parking to their retirement complex. And what will they do next? They’ll go out and buy another one! That’s right, we’re making bikes for men called Clint Strawberry who your mother finds love with in her sixties - he’s loaded, he’s had a hair transplant and he’s going to keep off-road e-mtb healthy for a very long time… well, maybe fifteen years before he kicks it.”



Cyclists Are Only Prepared to Tolerate a Particular Brand of Evil

I'll do anything for cycling, but I won't do that.

“What? Oil!? No way! I was okay with monopolies, dark and conspiratorial political lobbying and phone hacking… I was okay with money laundering scandals and accusations of being in bed with drug cartels... but oil? The very same that I buy every day to put in my car to put my bike in, or that I’m entirely dependant upon to receive, or dare I say maintain, my proportionally decadent lifestyle and ride my 15K carbon road bike? Nope - that’s too much for me!

“You may let my $200 jersey be made in a sweatshop in China, you may let my carbon wheels have a mark up of 700%, hell, you may even let me support a sport that basically encourages bogus medical conditions and eating disorders in young teenagers, but don’t you dare even THINK about associating my sport with one of the many many many terrible brands in the world that don’t sit right on my sliding-scale of evil, even if I may or may not use the products of that brand every day. Any cycling association that I sign up to should, and I think quite obviously, implicitly take on the call to advocacy and boycotting on my behalf, while my lifestyle maintains and supports an entirely different set of choices. Hypocrites!”



The More Imagine Dragons Fans Start Cycling, the Worse the Sport Gets

It's only getting worse.

Soft rock, three minutes long, overproduced, awfully rendered with a vanilla-light taste. No, this isn’t your latest bike park trail, this is Imagine Dragons, and the infiltration of their fans into the upper echelons of cycling.

Matching outfits, on equipment that their talent doesn’t merit, and dragging a much-loved medium kicking and screaming into cultural popularity, Imagine Dragons are a North American band that is solely there to service music lovers that don’t actually like music, and their ideology is spreading to people funding and building mountain bike trails for people that don’t actually like mountain biking.



Loic Bruni’s Mechanic Throws Frame Into Sea


Loic Bruni’s mechanic has attached a retractable dog lead to a brand new frame and thrown it off a frankly nice pier near Nice, France, in anticipation of next year's world championships special edition frame.

“Well, firstly, we use rust-coloured bikes for the same reason that I left some Nutella in my beard on my wedding day - it just looks great to have something look so bad. We also realised, why are we spending hours painting these frames to look like they’re rusted and ruined when we could just leave Mother Nature to take care of business for us?”

“Next week, I’m pooping on my own doorstep as a conversation starter for guests to remark upon.”





123 Comments

  • 232 6
 God, I love these so much. The Imagine Dragons venn-diagram is top-notch stuff.
  • 73 2
 This is the journalism we’re looking for on this website
  • 14 0
 I exclusively watch crank it up edits set to radioactive filmed on a helmet mounted go-pro hero 3.
  • 15 0
 I wish I could love anything as much as Henry Quinney apparently hates Imagine Dragons. He’s like an angsty Jonathan Swift, but also British.
  • 6 0
 @blinglespeed: Given Henry's mushroom adventures, the dragons may be less imaginary for him that others. I'm sure we can all forgive him that.
  • 8 0
 Listening to radioactive, cruising through though a flow jump trail, downing one of those mango monster energy's. Life is good. Don't want to be an old fogie listening to NWD soundtracks chattering through a rock garden
  • 2 0
 You're not the only one who likes venn-diagrams
  • 1 0
 After Anthony Messere's part in Strength In Numbers, I can't really blame them
  • 95 3
 Did too many autoplays crash the website?
  • 4 1
 I was just wondering...
  • 69 5
 Levy spilled a Monster into the servers, but Jake not from State Farm fixed it.
  • 34 3
 @brianpark: has uh,
Has anyone mentioned tht]at the autoplay of videos both on the home page, and on the corresponding video pages when you click on them kinda fuc$in sucks?
Just wanted to make sure you were aware.

But appreciate the Outside+ complimentary membership for being an early adopter of the privilege of paying for Trailforks…..
Win some, lose some I guess
  • 10 1
 @onawalk: Yeah, that homepage autoplay is even more annoying than the autoplay in the articles. But I was shocked when I found out I had been granted O+ as an early adapter of TrailForks.

It makes me feel dirty, but thanks @notoutsideceo
  • 11 0
 @onawalk: Let's chat a bit about the free Outside + 'given' to us. I feel I've woken up with a tramp stamp bearing some guy's name I dont remember meeting. What was their angle, here?
  • 4 1
 @slowerthanmydentist: who knows,
I haven’t accessed any content yet, but I used to regularly get Outside magazines when that was more of a thing. Usually had good articles and tests, etc.
I haven’t really had any issue with the Outside deal, everyone needs to get paid, and PB’s content is pretty friggin top notch (budget vs baller not withstanding)

Pretty jaded of us to think that there’s an angle of some sort.

Maybe as Outside+ members we can demand the video autoplay to fu$k off
  • 1 0
 @onawalk: wait... Does that mean I have outside+? Pretty sure I signed up for trailforks the day the paid model was announced. Feeling kinda dirty, even if outside has never done me wrong.
  • 32 4
 @krka73: Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.

Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
  • 9 1
 @notoutsideceo: may your first grandchild be a masculine child!
  • 4 0
 Starting to sound like signing up for Outside+ is something people try once in college
  • 15 2
 @krka73: as long as we can enjoy gravel eBiking together it will be a blessing to this world!

Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
  • 4 0
 @notoutsideceo: i have tve feeling you are a very well traind commentor A.I.
  • 3 0
 @sspiff: check your email. You are now indistinguishable from a genuine piece of shit. Welcome brother.
  • 3 0
 @speed10: yep. There it is. Piece of shit you say? Guess that explains the off smell I've been noticing all day.
  • 2 0
 @sspiff: take solace is our company. I saw the mark of the beast aside my own moniker and I wept. But my spirits have been lifted with promise of exclusive content.
  • 3 1
 @onawalk: beware - I too was 'given' an outside + membership due to early trailforks adoption. My issue with this "offer" is that it is for one year only, then for the future you have to first buy an outside membership and then pay for an "add-on" Trailforks.
This seemed like a sh!*ty way to screw all of the early adopters out of our discounted Trailforks only subscription
  • 1 0
 @GFozzz: the email suggested nothing was changing on the trailforks side, but we'll see...
  • 2 0
 @sspiff: I replied to the email, kindly asking to opt out of the free subscription. It is not inline with our initial agreement and I don’t want to jeopardize the future dealings for a service that offers me no value.
  • 2 0
 @sspiff: yes, this is what I thought until my trailforks subscription came due recently & I was in informed my subscription was cancelled. I could not renew it at the historical rate... Ended up emailing to cancel the complimentary outside membership & they put me back on Trailforks only option
  • 2 1
 @GFozzz: wait, really?
How can this be? As “early adopters” wouldn’t that have put us all within a similar time period?
I’m fairly confused.
Either way, I’ll be fairly pissed if I’m losing a service that I use a tonne, due to a free service that I have no need for.
Who did you email, can you post the address and I’ll get ahead of it now.

@brianpark we know you guys go through these comments, is this true, am I at risk of losing my “early adopter’ Trailforks rate simply because I accepted a complimentary Outside+ membership?
  • 2 0
 @onawalk: This is cut & paste from the email I got from Trailforks:

Dear Trailforks Pro subscriber,

Thank you for being an Early Adopter. You’re an important part of our Trailforks community, and we want to keep you in the loop on how to get the most from your subscription.

Last year, we let you know that Trailforks joined the Outside Network, linking up with brands like Pinkbike, VeloNews, Outside, Gaia GPS, and more. Now, we’re excited to give you access to benefits across our network at no added cost. Your Trailforks Pro subscription now includes Outside+.

Says NOTHING about losing Trailforks Pro Early Adapter status.
  • 2 0
 @GFozzz: thanks for the heads up. I was able to unsubscribe and successfully go back to no Outside+
  • 1 1
 @GFozzz: thank you
  • 1 1
 @krka73: thank you
  • 1 1
 @krka73: just re-read mine, a little further down it reads

What’s the catch?
To be honest, there isn’t one. Nothing is changing about your current Trailforks Pro subscription: you keep your Early Adopter status and are grandfathered in at your original purchase price. We’re just adding Outside+ to your subscription at no additional cost to you.

No action is required on your part. Log in with your Outside account (the same login you use for Trailforks) and start enjoying your new benefits! You may need to update your password to log in across all brands—see our FAQ to learn more.
  • 1 0
 @onawalk: I don't think there's a catch. We'll see...
  • 1 0
 @krka73: it’s silly to think there is no catch. It’s a for profit business. They sell subscriptions. They can’t freely give away their main product with no return. They have to benefit from this somehow. They just aren’t telling you upfront. Maybe it’s ad revenue and you are cool with ads. I’m not onboard.
  • 1 1
 @speed10: I mean, the “catch” could very well be they’re providing a trial to a service they believe is worthwhile, and by providing it to me on a trial basis I’ll also see the value, and opt to pay for it…..which is cool, if I enjoy it, I’ll happily pay for the entertainment.
Ads are in everything we do on the internet or any other media, and sometimes there’s cool stuff to come out it (Knolly has a free fork deal with the purchase of a Warden frame right now, that’s pretty cool for all the commenters that are dying for an awesome long travel 275 wheeled bike)

I can only assume based on your disgust of advertising that you use some sort of browser on the World Wide Web that blocks all that, don’t watch TV, or any live sports, don’t read magazines…….

What are you not “onboard” with?
  • 1 0
 @onawalk: if you are into it, go for it! If they are giving you a free trial then they are hoping to hook you and get money from you later. Maybe you’ll decide it’s worth it. Maybe it’s not and you’ll forget to unsubscribe then. Maybe it is a bait and switch and your Trailforks rate is affected. Idk how it’ll shake out. But I’m cool with not being apart of it and risking missing out on more content for the piece of mind that I will have some control over my PB and TF acct for a little longer. I’m not sure I need another time suck with mediocre content Anyhow. If you aren’t paying- you are the product.
  • 1 1
 @speed10:
@krka73
@GFozzz
@canadaka

from Canadaka, dev/founder with Trailforks

Your Trailforks Pro Early Adopter subscription that has been upgraded to include access to Outside+ does not change price. I'm pretty sure the email sent clearly states this. Nothing changes, you just get access to more stuff for free.

The billing of your subscription has not changed, it's still in Trailforks Stripe, Apple or Google accounts. Your same login just now can access the paid Outside+ services including GaiaGPS, Outside Watch, Outside Learn and the editorial sites.

Pinkbike has no change, there is no paywall on Pinkbike.
  • 4 0
 @GFozzz: Where did you read it was for one year only? This is exactly what the email said.

" What’s the catch?

To be honest, there isn’t one. Nothing is changing about your current Trailforks Pro subscription: you keep your Early Adopter status and are grandfathered in at your original purchase price. We’re just adding Outside+ to your subscription at no additional cost to you."
  • 2 1
 @markholloway: Thanks for jumping in here Mark and clearing things up.
  • 2 0
 @markholloway: when my regular Trailforks renewal came up - it said my early adopter subscription was "cancelled". I attempted to renew it & was only given the option to buy full price trailforks & had to have an outside+ subscription active to do so.
Perhaps they will fix this for other folks & this was simply a glitch.
  • 55 8
 I fully support shell. If it wasnt for their marvelous product I wouldnt be able to drive my ebike to the trails.
  • 11 2
 That you @notoutsideceo ??
  • 4 1
 @grusty92: same shite, different pipe.
  • 45 8
 @grusty92: The Rivian is on order! eBike in the eTruck....so sick!

Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
  • 6 1
 @notoutsideceo: Uggggghhhhh. Capitalism is leaking.
  • 3 2
 @notoutsideceo: No cybertruck then? Disappointed.
  • 31 5
 @MrShreddypants: I am also disappointed. But it appears Elon did to the CyberTruck what I did to Beta...

Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
  • 3 0
 About time somebody said it! It’s been really tiring strangling all these turtles myself.
  • 41 3
 the only thing that didn't happen was PB deactivating the autoplay, even though we all asked for it.
  • 31 14
 Somehow I am not amused by the internal routing joke, my sense of humor ends when trough the headset routing starts, sorry.
  • 8 7
 Boo hoo
  • 28 1
 Sounds like it had the intended effect.
  • 6 1
 Haha. As someone who ended up with one of the top comments against internal routing, I'm very slightly stinging too, though it is funny. I just want to echo @WaterBear that I'm fully aware of my mechanical impotence and that's the reason I don't want more integration. I work on my own bike, actually, even though I probably shouldn't!
  • 15 0
 This was incredibly hilarious. Well done, Quinney.
  • 2 0
 Lots of love for the Imagine Dragons "article," which was beautiful, but the seniors' e-bike bit was sooo good.
  • 16 2
 The oil thing is bang on, thank you for calling these twats out in such a fine manner.
  • 11 2
 "Instagram influencer starts giving MTBing lessons with made up certification and it's really successful as they are an average rider and everyone they teach is still working on going up and down curbs."

Except... Except that does happen in MTBing. A lot. And it's kinda awkward.
  • 4 0
 "It's funny because its true"--- Homer Simpson
  • 8 1
 This has got to be so cathartic to write, I bet everyone at PB is jumping to get the opportunity to pitch ideas to dunk on the elitist, broken record, know it all commenters (like myself).
  • 7 2
 Whoa! Oil is the worst! My EV runs on electricity generated from clean coal. BTW I was thinking of getting a personalized license plate. Something like "DINK", "ENTITLD" or maybe just "DENTIST".
  • 1 0
 AFLUENZA would be great if CO could support 8 letter plates
  • 7 0
 I did not know Bruni secretly rides steel frames.
  • 6 0
 "Matching outfits, on equipment that their talent doesn’t merit," - I think i'm being targeted...
  • 1 0
 Ride cheaper bikes. It's like a double win. ;-)
  • 4 0
 I know these are supposed to be satirical, but there are in fact a few "Influencers" so obnoxious they actually make me subconciously blacklist the brands they are working for.

More like Exfluencers.
  • 5 0
 ok, so who's gonna create a 'clint strawberry' account? the opportunity awaits...
  • 2 0
 Shame to see a tired and I think plain ignorant commentary about peoples concern with Shell and BC. It's tantamount to saying 'and yet you partake in society (I am very smart).

It's about the politics, and the scale of Shell's operation. Maybe there's more cut-through and awareness now compared to the Sky deal, and the HSBC contract - then it's a positive thing to see more comment, and criticism.
  • 6 2
 Man c'mon... It's not allowed to throw frames into the sea. Batteries YES!
  • 13 1
 Charge the electric eels
  • 6 0
 Hilarious bastard!
  • 5 0
 Imagine Dragons ride fixies
  • 5 0
 More like Broped townies.
  • 3 0
 I’m waiting in er for a possible broken collar bone and despite drugs I’m in great pain, reading this cheered me up. Thanks!
  • 1 0
 The Imagine Dragons/Demise of “Mountain Biking” fills my soul… That is one of the all time greatest comment about at any sport.
It’s time for a divergence. How about XC to downcountry become “Mountain Bikes”, the rest get a shiny new name.
Upcountry?
  • 3 0
 Giant warrantied my cracked Reign 29 Advanced frame….
  • 2 0
 He probably threw the Demo into the sea after being asked to service all the bearings
  • 2 0
 Imagine Dragons Venn diagram is epic! Not a sentence I ever imagined typing.
  • 1 0
 Henry — this the best ever! We really love your writing when you hold back and refrain from telling us how you really feel.

Venn diagrams: the new secret handshake.
  • 3 1
 @henryquinney
Love these, appreciate the sense of humour.
  • 1 0
 Yoghurtbottom made it out of prison and now works selling e-bikes what a stain on society.
  • 3 1
 Jeebus. That Shell Oil rant left some people bleeding on the floor...
  • 2 0
 I wish I had hair and clothing like Clint Strawberry
  • 1 1
 This take on the Shell/British Cycling kerfuffle can only be summed up by the genius of Mitchell and Webb

youtu.be/hn1VxaMEjRU
  • 1 0
 Gareth Yoghurtbottom hit the nail on the head. Every one of these is a banger, HQ!
  • 1 0
 Henry Quinney is gold. I laughed out loud at all of these. Granted I am a simpleton, but still.
  • 2 0
 Awesome Henry, applause
  • 1 0
 But what if you do not have a flow trail near by your residence...
  • 1 0
 Yes! Best one to date. Top notch bicycle journalism.
  • 2 1
 I’m here for the Imagine Dragons slander… Do Oasis next.
  • 1 0
 Anyway, here's wonderwall
  • 3 0
 @AndrewHornor:
Today was gonna be the day that we were gonna make due with ad revenue
And by now, you should've somehow realized what we gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire for your Fatbike is out
I'm sure you've read it all before, but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the trails we have to ride are flowing
And all the ads that you read here are blowing.
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
This content’s paywalled
  • 1 0
 @eshew: loved "the ads you read here are blowing"
  • 1 0
 Man, this one might be aimed straight at the viewship
  • 1 0
 I'm mostly interested in who's got bikes on sale.
  • 1 0
 Rust is the new paint...
  • 1 0
 It’s lighter than carbon fiber!
  • 1 0
 You’re not your
  • 2 4
 There was no comment for me to like yet so…I like this.
  • 2 0
 I guess you weren't here when the website crashed
  • 1 0
 @DizzyNinja: living in blissful ignorance on mobile
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