Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up
Things other media outlets were too scared to report. Some say they didn't even happen.
”I work on my own bike - actually!”
Commenters have turned up in droves to tell strangers on an internet forum that they work on their own bikes, actually, with some of them even holding a 100-hour YouTube Tutorial Viewership certificate that their partners made for them using Microsoft Paint 3D.
“How dare they route the cables internally! I work on my own bike, did you know? This is an insult to those, like me, who work on their own bike. Paradoxically, although I’m basically da Vinci reincarnate when it comes to technical proficiency, I’m utterly bewildered by an entry point two inches away from the one I’m used to. Ban internally routed headsets - because I work on my own bike, actually, and the thought of releasing tension off three bolts to slide my fork out is just too complicated, even for somebody as skilled as I.”
Influencer Gets the News They Were Hoping for Upon Arrival to Hospital
An Instagram influencer, sponsored by all the brands you look down upon, turned up to the hospital fearing the worst after they couldn’t get unclipped from their Shimano imitation pedals during a recording of a TikTok-inspired on-bike dance.
The influencer, Justin Timbersnake, who makes you subconsciously blacklist any brand that supports them, had feared the lighting wouldn’t be up to par in the ER for the pouting I-just-broke-my-collarbone-selfie. Thankfully it was, and his mother was able to turn around halfway through her journey and return to the home that they share with the professional-grade lighting rig.
Bike Industry is Not Following Bro-Dollars After All
With the introduction of e-bikes that say they’re for everyone, while seemingly appealing to nobody, industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom has offered some clarification.
“Aggressive e-bikes with downhill tires were only the gateway to the market we were really after. Truthfully, we have no interest in you or your dual crown equipped 75 lb e-bike, your “bro-laps” or your in-between run swigs of warm lager-piss. You were just a stepping stone to our end goal.
"We realised we needed to make bikes for people that call Michael Bublé "Michael Bubble" and sing his songs one octave out of tune and a bar out of time. We were looking for the kind of people to whom “Italian heritage” is far more meaningful than modern geometry, and who refer to 50-something actor Paul Rudd as a “nice young man”. They have the big dollars. They will buy a 100mm travel XC e-bike to put on the roof of their Volvo before immediately ripping it off on the underground parking to their retirement complex. And what will they do next? They’ll go out and buy another one! That’s right, we’re making bikes for men called Clint Strawberry who your mother finds love with in her sixties - he’s loaded, he’s had a hair transplant and he’s going to keep off-road e-mtb healthy for a very long time… well, maybe fifteen years before he kicks it.”
Cyclists Are Only Prepared to Tolerate a Particular Brand of Evil
“What? Oil!? No way! I was okay with monopolies, dark and conspiratorial political lobbying and phone hacking… I was okay with money laundering scandals and accusations of being in bed with drug cartels... but oil? The very same that I buy every day to put in my car to put my bike in, or that I’m entirely dependant upon to receive, or dare I say maintain, my proportionally decadent lifestyle and ride my 15K carbon road bike? Nope - that’s too much for me!
“You may let my $200 jersey be made in a sweatshop in China, you may let my carbon wheels have a mark up of 700%, hell, you may even let me support a sport that basically encourages bogus medical conditions and eating disorders in young teenagers, but don’t you dare even THINK about associating my sport with one of the many many many terrible brands in the world that don’t sit right on my sliding-scale of evil, even if I may or may not use the products of that brand every day. Any cycling association that I sign up to should, and I think quite obviously, implicitly take on the call to advocacy and boycotting on my behalf, while my lifestyle maintains and supports an entirely different set of choices. Hypocrites!”
The More Imagine Dragons Fans Start Cycling, the Worse the Sport Gets
Soft rock, three minutes long, overproduced, awfully rendered with a vanilla-light taste. No, this isn’t your latest bike park trail, this is Imagine Dragons, and the infiltration of their fans into the upper echelons of cycling.
Matching outfits, on equipment that their talent doesn’t merit, and dragging a much-loved medium kicking and screaming into cultural popularity, Imagine Dragons are a North American band that is solely there to service music lovers that don’t actually like music, and their ideology is spreading to people funding and building mountain bike trails for people that don’t actually like mountain biking.
Loic Bruni’s Mechanic Throws Frame Into Sea
Loic Bruni’s mechanic has attached a retractable dog lead to a brand new frame and thrown it off a frankly nice pier near Nice, France, in anticipation of next year's world championships special edition frame.
“Well, firstly, we use rust-coloured bikes for the same reason that I left some Nutella in my beard on my wedding day - it just looks great to have something look so bad. We also realised, why are we spending hours painting these frames to look like they’re rusted and ruined when we could just leave Mother Nature to take care of business for us?”
“Next week, I’m pooping on my own doorstep as a conversation starter for guests to remark upon.”
”I work on my own bike - actually!”
Tea-stained certificates like this adorn fridges across the land.
Commenters have turned up in droves to tell strangers on an internet forum that they work on their own bikes, actually, with some of them even holding a 100-hour YouTube Tutorial Viewership certificate that their partners made for them using Microsoft Paint 3D.
“How dare they route the cables internally! I work on my own bike, did you know? This is an insult to those, like me, who work on their own bike. Paradoxically, although I’m basically da Vinci reincarnate when it comes to technical proficiency, I’m utterly bewildered by an entry point two inches away from the one I’m used to. Ban internally routed headsets - because I work on my own bike, actually, and the thought of releasing tension off three bolts to slide my fork out is just too complicated, even for somebody as skilled as I.”
Influencer Gets the News They Were Hoping for Upon Arrival to Hospital
All of this was seen strapped to the roof of Timbersnake's Fiat Punto.
An Instagram influencer, sponsored by all the brands you look down upon, turned up to the hospital fearing the worst after they couldn’t get unclipped from their Shimano imitation pedals during a recording of a TikTok-inspired on-bike dance.
The influencer, Justin Timbersnake, who makes you subconsciously blacklist any brand that supports them, had feared the lighting wouldn’t be up to par in the ER for the pouting I-just-broke-my-collarbone-selfie. Thankfully it was, and his mother was able to turn around halfway through her journey and return to the home that they share with the professional-grade lighting rig.
Bike Industry is Not Following Bro-Dollars After All
Clint Strawberry is the man that buys e-bike-specific drivetrain cleaner and brushes.
With the introduction of e-bikes that say they’re for everyone, while seemingly appealing to nobody, industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom has offered some clarification.
“Aggressive e-bikes with downhill tires were only the gateway to the market we were really after. Truthfully, we have no interest in you or your dual crown equipped 75 lb e-bike, your “bro-laps” or your in-between run swigs of warm lager-piss. You were just a stepping stone to our end goal.
"We realised we needed to make bikes for people that call Michael Bublé "Michael Bubble" and sing his songs one octave out of tune and a bar out of time. We were looking for the kind of people to whom “Italian heritage” is far more meaningful than modern geometry, and who refer to 50-something actor Paul Rudd as a “nice young man”. They have the big dollars. They will buy a 100mm travel XC e-bike to put on the roof of their Volvo before immediately ripping it off on the underground parking to their retirement complex. And what will they do next? They’ll go out and buy another one! That’s right, we’re making bikes for men called Clint Strawberry who your mother finds love with in her sixties - he’s loaded, he’s had a hair transplant and he’s going to keep off-road e-mtb healthy for a very long time… well, maybe fifteen years before he kicks it.”
Cyclists Are Only Prepared to Tolerate a Particular Brand of Evil
I'll do anything for cycling, but I won't do that.
“What? Oil!? No way! I was okay with monopolies, dark and conspiratorial political lobbying and phone hacking… I was okay with money laundering scandals and accusations of being in bed with drug cartels... but oil? The very same that I buy every day to put in my car to put my bike in, or that I’m entirely dependant upon to receive, or dare I say maintain, my proportionally decadent lifestyle and ride my 15K carbon road bike? Nope - that’s too much for me!
“You may let my $200 jersey be made in a sweatshop in China, you may let my carbon wheels have a mark up of 700%, hell, you may even let me support a sport that basically encourages bogus medical conditions and eating disorders in young teenagers, but don’t you dare even THINK about associating my sport with one of the many many many terrible brands in the world that don’t sit right on my sliding-scale of evil, even if I may or may not use the products of that brand every day. Any cycling association that I sign up to should, and I think quite obviously, implicitly take on the call to advocacy and boycotting on my behalf, while my lifestyle maintains and supports an entirely different set of choices. Hypocrites!”
The More Imagine Dragons Fans Start Cycling, the Worse the Sport Gets
It's only getting worse.
Soft rock, three minutes long, overproduced, awfully rendered with a vanilla-light taste. No, this isn’t your latest bike park trail, this is Imagine Dragons, and the infiltration of their fans into the upper echelons of cycling.
Matching outfits, on equipment that their talent doesn’t merit, and dragging a much-loved medium kicking and screaming into cultural popularity, Imagine Dragons are a North American band that is solely there to service music lovers that don’t actually like music, and their ideology is spreading to people funding and building mountain bike trails for people that don’t actually like mountain biking.
Loic Bruni’s Mechanic Throws Frame Into Sea
Loic Bruni’s mechanic has attached a retractable dog lead to a brand new frame and thrown it off a frankly nice pier near Nice, France, in anticipation of next year's world championships special edition frame.
“Well, firstly, we use rust-coloured bikes for the same reason that I left some Nutella in my beard on my wedding day - it just looks great to have something look so bad. We also realised, why are we spending hours painting these frames to look like they’re rusted and ruined when we could just leave Mother Nature to take care of business for us?”
“Next week, I’m pooping on my own doorstep as a conversation starter for guests to remark upon.”
Must Read This Week
123 Comments
Has anyone mentioned tht]at the autoplay of videos both on the home page, and on the corresponding video pages when you click on them kinda fuc$in sucks?
Just wanted to make sure you were aware.
But appreciate the Outside+ complimentary membership for being an early adopter of the privilege of paying for Trailforks…..
Win some, lose some I guess
It makes me feel dirty, but thanks @notoutsideceo
I haven’t accessed any content yet, but I used to regularly get Outside magazines when that was more of a thing. Usually had good articles and tests, etc.
I haven’t really had any issue with the Outside deal, everyone needs to get paid, and PB’s content is pretty friggin top notch (budget vs baller not withstanding)
Pretty jaded of us to think that there’s an angle of some sort.
Maybe as Outside+ members we can demand the video autoplay to fu$k off
Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
This seemed like a sh!*ty way to screw all of the early adopters out of our discounted Trailforks only subscription
How can this be? As “early adopters” wouldn’t that have put us all within a similar time period?
I’m fairly confused.
Either way, I’ll be fairly pissed if I’m losing a service that I use a tonne, due to a free service that I have no need for.
Who did you email, can you post the address and I’ll get ahead of it now.
@brianpark we know you guys go through these comments, is this true, am I at risk of losing my “early adopter’ Trailforks rate simply because I accepted a complimentary Outside+ membership?
Dear Trailforks Pro subscriber,
Thank you for being an Early Adopter. You’re an important part of our Trailforks community, and we want to keep you in the loop on how to get the most from your subscription.
Last year, we let you know that Trailforks joined the Outside Network, linking up with brands like Pinkbike, VeloNews, Outside, Gaia GPS, and more. Now, we’re excited to give you access to benefits across our network at no added cost. Your Trailforks Pro subscription now includes Outside+.
Says NOTHING about losing Trailforks Pro Early Adapter status.
What’s the catch?
To be honest, there isn’t one. Nothing is changing about your current Trailforks Pro subscription: you keep your Early Adopter status and are grandfathered in at your original purchase price. We’re just adding Outside+ to your subscription at no additional cost to you.
No action is required on your part. Log in with your Outside account (the same login you use for Trailforks) and start enjoying your new benefits! You may need to update your password to log in across all brands—see our FAQ to learn more.
Ads are in everything we do on the internet or any other media, and sometimes there’s cool stuff to come out it (Knolly has a free fork deal with the purchase of a Warden frame right now, that’s pretty cool for all the commenters that are dying for an awesome long travel 275 wheeled bike)
I can only assume based on your disgust of advertising that you use some sort of browser on the World Wide Web that blocks all that, don’t watch TV, or any live sports, don’t read magazines…….
What are you not “onboard” with?
@krka73
@GFozzz
@canadaka
from Canadaka, dev/founder with Trailforks
Your Trailforks Pro Early Adopter subscription that has been upgraded to include access to Outside+ does not change price. I'm pretty sure the email sent clearly states this. Nothing changes, you just get access to more stuff for free.
The billing of your subscription has not changed, it's still in Trailforks Stripe, Apple or Google accounts. Your same login just now can access the paid Outside+ services including GaiaGPS, Outside Watch, Outside Learn and the editorial sites.
Pinkbike has no change, there is no paywall on Pinkbike.
" What’s the catch?
To be honest, there isn’t one. Nothing is changing about your current Trailforks Pro subscription: you keep your Early Adopter status and are grandfathered in at your original purchase price. We’re just adding Outside+ to your subscription at no additional cost to you."
Perhaps they will fix this for other folks & this was simply a glitch.
Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
Be safe be well,
Incognito Robin
Except... Except that does happen in MTBing. A lot. And it's kinda awkward.
More like Exfluencers.
It's about the politics, and the scale of Shell's operation. Maybe there's more cut-through and awareness now compared to the Sky deal, and the HSBC contract - then it's a positive thing to see more comment, and criticism.
It’s time for a divergence. How about XC to downcountry become “Mountain Bikes”, the rest get a shiny new name.
Upcountry?
Venn diagrams: the new secret handshake.
Love these, appreciate the sense of humour.
youtu.be/hn1VxaMEjRU
Today was gonna be the day that we were gonna make due with ad revenue
And by now, you should've somehow realized what we gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire for your Fatbike is out
I'm sure you've read it all before, but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the trails we have to ride are flowing
And all the ads that you read here are blowing.
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
This content’s paywalled
It's the same shit over and over. I switched to flat pedals *only because* everyone around me couldn't shut the hell up about how clips made me a worse rider. A few years down the line and it's a case of "same shit, different day." The correct technique for cornering and jumping is what it is, clips or flats. Just ask the WC DH race winners.
And you know what? I'll say it right now. I *like* flow trails, jumps, and big features. Even though maintaining them is a huge thorn in my side, if everything was rough cut, eroded hiking trails I'd probably quit the sport.
Just give it 5 minutes and popular opinion will change on all of that crap, all the while I get to read glib sarcasm about how I'm either bucking the trends just to do it or a self-righteous conformist. Yay.
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