Things other media outlets were too scared to report. Some say they didn't even happen.
”I work on my own bike - actually!”
Commenters have turned up in droves to tell strangers on an internet forum that they work on their own bikes, actually, with some of them even holding a 100-hour YouTube Tutorial Viewership certificate that their partners made for them using Microsoft Paint 3D.
“How dare they route the cables internally! I work on my own bike, did you know? This is an insult to those, like me, who work on their own bike. Paradoxically, although I’m basically da Vinci reincarnate when it comes to technical proficiency, I’m utterly bewildered by an entry point two inches away from the one I’m used to. Ban internally routed headsets - because I work on my own bike, actually, and the thought of releasing tension off three bolts to slide my fork out is just too complicated, even for somebody as skilled as I.”
Influencer Gets the News They Were Hoping for Upon Arrival to Hospital
An Instagram influencer, sponsored by all the brands you look down upon, turned up to the hospital fearing the worst after they couldn’t get unclipped from their Shimano imitation pedals during a recording of a TikTok-inspired on-bike dance.
The influencer, Justin Timbersnake, who makes you subconsciously blacklist any brand that supports them, had feared the lighting wouldn’t be up to par in the ER for the pouting I-just-broke-my-collarbone-selfie. Thankfully it was, and his mother was able to turn around halfway through her journey and return to the home that they share with the professional-grade lighting rig.
Bike Industry is Not Following Bro-Dollars After All
With the introduction of e-bikes that say they’re for everyone, while seemingly appealing to nobody, industry shill Gareth Yoghurtbottom has offered some clarification.
“Aggressive e-bikes with downhill tires were only the gateway to the market we were really after. Truthfully, we have no interest in you or your dual crown equipped 75 lb e-bike, your “bro-laps” or your in-between run swigs of warm lager-piss. You were just a stepping stone to our end goal.
"We realised we needed to make bikes for people that call Michael Bublé "Michael Bubble" and sing his songs one octave out of tune and a bar out of time. We were looking for the kind of people to whom “Italian heritage” is far more meaningful than modern geometry, and who refer to 50-something actor Paul Rudd as a “nice young man”. They have the big dollars. They will buy a 100mm travel XC e-bike to put on the roof of their Volvo before immediately ripping it off on the underground parking to their retirement complex. And what will they do next? They’ll go out and buy another one! That’s right, we’re making bikes for men called Clint Strawberry who your mother finds love with in her sixties - he’s loaded, he’s had a hair transplant and he’s going to keep off-road e-mtb healthy for a very long time… well, maybe fifteen years before he kicks it.”
Cyclists Are Only Prepared to Tolerate a Particular Brand of Evil
“What? Oil!? No way! I was okay with monopolies, dark and conspiratorial political lobbying and phone hacking… I was okay with money laundering scandals and accusations of being in bed with drug cartels... but oil? The very same that I buy every day to put in my car to put my bike in, or that I’m entirely dependant upon to receive, or dare I say maintain, my proportionally decadent lifestyle and ride my 15K carbon road bike? Nope - that’s too much for me!
“You may let my $200 jersey be made in a sweatshop in China, you may let my carbon wheels have a mark up of 700%, hell, you may even let me support a sport that basically encourages bogus medical conditions and eating disorders in young teenagers, but don’t you dare even THINK about associating my sport with one of the many many many terrible brands in the world that don’t sit right on my sliding-scale of evil, even if I may or may not use the products of that brand every day. Any cycling association that I sign up to should, and I think quite obviously, implicitly take on the call to advocacy and boycotting on my behalf, while my lifestyle maintains and supports an entirely different set of choices. Hypocrites!”
The More Imagine Dragons Fans Start Cycling, the Worse the Sport Gets
Soft rock, three minutes long, overproduced, awfully rendered with a vanilla-light taste. No, this isn’t your latest bike park trail, this is Imagine Dragons, and the infiltration of their fans into the upper echelons of cycling.
Matching outfits, on equipment that their talent doesn’t merit, and dragging a much-loved medium kicking and screaming into cultural popularity, Imagine Dragons are a North American band that is solely there to service music lovers that don’t actually like music, and their ideology is spreading to people funding and building mountain bike trails for people that don’t actually like mountain biking.
Loic Bruni’s Mechanic Throws Frame Into Sea
Loic Bruni’s mechanic has attached a retractable dog lead to a brand new frame and thrown it off a frankly nice pier near Nice, France, in anticipation of next year's world championships special edition frame.
“Well, firstly, we use rust-coloured bikes for the same reason that I left some Nutella in my beard on my wedding day - it just looks great to have something look so bad. We also realised, why are we spending hours painting these frames to look like they’re rusted and ruined when we could just leave Mother Nature to take care of business for us?”
“Next week, I’m pooping on my own doorstep as a conversation starter for guests to remark upon.”