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Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up

Dec 16, 2022 at 14:10
by Henry Quinney  
I recently ate some once discounted, and long-since-expired, pâté after initially mistaking it for some savory poultry ice cream. This is what came to me in the fever dream that followed. Maybe Big Bike has gone full Salisbury, and knows I have a soft spot for a pureed duck and was making an attempt on my life for leaking the untruth. We'll never know.



Mountain biker understands why carbon ski poles are pointless

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"It's weird, but once it's not mountain biking I suddenly see things for what they are"

A mountain biker on their first foray into skiing understands why carbon ski poles will have absolutely zero effect on their ability as a skier but will defend the use of their carbon derailleur cage to the death.

Justin Timbersnake, whose bike also includes carbon headset spacers, a gold chain, and skull-shaped valve stems, openly mocked the group of skiers for their poles, explaining that they're not getting down a particular run no matter what their poles are made of, before explaining that he can't get around turns when his bike is in the high flip-chip position.



Mountain bike industry refuses to accept the link between mass consumerism and climate change

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Stop the river and save the bears!

Gareth Yoghurtbottom, a representative for Big Bike has steadfastly refused any link between mass consumerism and the values some bike brands are saying they’re trying to protect.

“We all want to live in a greener, happier world - but this link to rising sea levels and man-made climate change is just utter nonsense. Why are sea levels rising? It’s because the oceans are being filled up by the rivers and now they’re overflowing. Stop the rivers, save the polar bears!”

“So, today, instead of investing in genuine green options, we’re all going to pool together old carbon frames and build a massive dam across the Amazon. When we said “ocean fill” - we meant it.”

“To show our belief in this we’re not only launching a limited run of vials of carbon dust collected from the cracked frames we couldn’t recycle or repurpose, or lash together in time for the mega raft-dam, to be worn around your neck or to act as a perfect stocking filler. It’s like what Angelina and Billy Bob did - but this delicate vial can kill you in your sleep. Edgy - plus one less cyclist will directly lower demand for both new frames and oxygen - talk about a green initiative.”



Mountain biker with name on their bike has surprisingly fulfilling life outside of riding

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Do they not realise he can't manual?

A cross-country rider who wears lycra and knee pads has his name on his bike and rides in yellow safety specs has a surprisingly fulfilling life, suggesting that the implicit hierarchy of status within mountain biking is yet to permeate into wider culture.

Cooler mountain biker, Todd “the Bod” Beckingham, explains his anger. “Well, it just doesn’t make sense. I saw him at the bar with his gorgeous friends and happy family… Don’t they realize they could be hanging out with me instead? I can table, and regularly ride all these super secret spots that only exist for a fifteen-minute window before they get shut down.

“That dork is over the enjoying his passion in a healthy and non-possessive way. What a nerd. They don't know what they're missing. Now leave me alone - I've got to go rip the sleeves off some t-shirts in preparation for summer.”



Snowboarder left dissatisfied with the fit of mountain biking helmets

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That's just the price of looking good I guess

“Is your face meant to hurt that much?” asked bewildered newbie mountain biker Mitchell Cafetier as he took off his goggles and helmet. “In snowboarding, we unaccountably run our goggles under our helmets and I assume it’s absolutely the same in mountain biking, and I won’t hear otherwise.

“Now, if you don’t mind me, I’m just gonna have a nice sit down after a blind crest in the middle of the most popular trail in town. Why not, eh?”



Dating app users and mountain bikers to change the meaning of "about six foot"

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That's a 30-footer if ever I saw one.

A lobbying group has formed in Vancouver as people try to get the definition of "about six foot” changed. The lobbyists, mainly internet daters and intermediate mountain bikers, are urging the meaning to actually reflect a maximum distance of “between three and five feet”

The head of their group, Justin Timbersnake, explains “Often in our culture, we talk euphemistically and things are taken as a given. Whether it’s saying you’ll be two minutes late, or when somebody says they’ll eat a horse - assuming they're not French. Nope, we say these things because the expression has taken on a wider cultural significance, and it’s the same with six-footers.

“That two-foot jump? It’s six foot. That drop that you walked up to six times until the child on the balance bike rode off it? Six foot. Danny Devito? Also six foot. In fact, most people are about six foot. Stephen Merchant? A shade over six foot. Don’t hate me - hate Shakespeare, or Henry VIII. Or whoever it was that came up with this nonsensical language in the first place.



Wires to be exposed on the next generation of Mercedes
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A spy shot was leaked of the new passenger side footwell

The chief designer at Mercedes AMG, Tobias Rainsnot has decided that internally routed cables are the absolute worst, and after a brief flick through the comment section on Mikebike.com has vowed to make the new performance range from the German automotive Giant completely serviceable for the home mechanic.

“First things first, we took off all the interior body panels to really let the cables and electronics breathe. Sure, it might look bad, but in the odd chance you need to work on a wiring loom it sure does make the access easy. For the same reason, I’ve been running commando style and a double-covered zipper since 2006. Anyhow, the next thing we’re working on is all wheels should be able to be removed with nothing that you don’t get on a fifteen-year-old free multi-tool from an issue of MBUK. Simultaneously, we shouldn’t just move to Torx fittings, because that just doesn’t feel right. Nope, it's cold hands and a 4mm Allen key at the roadside for you next time you flat, dear friend.

"The commenters also made several other great points. What they seem to want is everything external and easily serviceable while at the same time constantly requesting a near-hermetically sealed gearbox. In keeping with this, we welded the bonnet hood shut.”



Gollum Completes his Cytech Level 2

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Gollum has been known to let his loin cloth air out in the staff room.

After years of working in a local bike shop, Gollum has finally completed his Cytech level two qualification. The jewelry enthusiast wasn’t eligible for the course for several years due to his refusal to wear anything other than a loin cloth, but after being gifted two Park Tool workshop aprons that he wears front and back, the body that runs Cytech finally let him commit to the two-week course.

Sadly, after his breakout success in the documentary Lord of the Rings, Gollum found it hard to find regular work and quickly slipped into poverty. However, after chancing upon a temporary job in a bike shop, he immediately found himself at home.

Unpredictable, salty, defensive, and yet sometimes the vessel for timeless wisdom given in whimsically lyrical jaunts, the other mechanics had already established a culture Gollum would settle quickly into.

His boss, Hannah Anna Pethrington explains “Hey, we can all be a little salty, but this guy has perfected the art. One morning, he’ll bring in fish for us to eat, the next he’ll literally beat the shit out of you for asking what the pull ratio of a Shimano shifter is. He’s the perfect grouchy mechanic and always leaves our customers wanting, but never feeling his approval.

Sometimes he’s so nice and kind, even being downright affectionate to his 25-year-old Top Peak Joe Blow. Other times, he’s angry and erratic and talks about himself in the third person. He’s also got the small issue of hoarding AXS batteries."



Trailforks Wrapped tells different story

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"There's clearly been some kind of mistake"

A mountain biker's claim of “shredding the shit out of everything, all the time” has been thoroughly debunked as Trailforks released his year’s Wrapped. Instead of riding steep loamers every day, it turns out 98.7% of his riding was actually on Cliff’s Corners.

"I have no idea how Cliffs got on there... I think the app is broken. It's like how Ed Sheeran keeps turning up on Spotify! It doesn't make sense! If I wasn't riding loamers, then I would have to run behind the shed at home, rip into a bag of pre-purchased top soil and just throw it over me and my bike before hiding the bag back under a camo net. It would never happen!"



Whole bicycle made of recycled bicycle

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Where the magic happens

Keen-green cyclists will have felt their Christmas has come early this year, as the first-ever fully recycled bike was launched. The claim, by BigWig bikes, is astounding, and their process is extraordinary.

“What we do,” Head of Sustainability Freedom McClure explains, “is we make a bike - ride it around the car park for 10 minutes, bring it back inside, wheel it behind a curtain where we fit new stickers saying it’s a different brand and model, and then bring out the new bike - a new bike made of 100% old bike. It’s genius!”

Author Info:
henryquinney avatar

Member since Jun 3, 2014
341 articles

93 Comments
  • 112 1
 The world is going to shit, but hey we’ve got these brand new bottle cages made from 1% ocean plastics and shipped straight from Thailand. Sounds like a solution to me.
  • 17 0
 And we'll also save 2 cents of production cost by making bottle cages that won't last instead of a few cents more for what should last near a lifetime.
  • 29 0
 Ah yes, Manufactured in China, packed in Thailand then transported to a distribution warehouse in Germany before being sent to a UK distributor to then be shipped nationwide to customers, I can smell the cleaner oceans already.
  • 7 0
 I think the world is pretty awesome, but the people in it….well, we’re going to shit!
  • 87 3
 Mountain bike industry refuses to accept the link between mass consumerism and climate change…

….and we’re going to introduce bikes with electric motors that take up even more resources which we will claim is some how environmentally friendly, though we haven’t figured that bit out yet.
  • 24 0
 Yeah, that one *did* actually happen.
  • 17 32
flag DylanH93 FL (Dec 21, 2022 at 14:40) (Below Threshold)
 Seems like the vast majority of climate change is coming from a specific part of the world. Blaming regular people for buying new stuff or eating red meat seems like such a distraction.
  • 13 0
 @DylanH93: didn't the whole idea of carbon footprint come from oil companies trying to shift the blame and responsibility onto the consumers? I think exporting pretty much all major industries overseas will turn out to be one of the most self destructive things the West has done in due time.
  • 8 0
 yay bropeds. and broped riders
  • 9 4
 @DylanH93: It is coming from a specific part of the world.... OUR part.

Sure the Chinese burn way more coal, but we're still top of the naughty list.
  • 5 0
 If it wasn't already taken I'd be describing my e-mtb as a mullet bike. Cause I ride it to work through the week, then it hits the trails on the weekend. Means one less car driving around too.
  • 10 0
 An E-bike is definitely more eco friendly than a car. Which makes me feel good when I put mine in the back of my car and drive to Wales to go riding. Salute
  • 6 0
 It depends on how the math is being done. Apparently commuting on fossil fuels is considered the default. Commuting and not using as much is suddenly considered saving CO2 emissions. If I log my (in my case unassisted) commutes on my watch, it actually calculates how much CO2 I saved. It is a confusing way of doing math and I only see it in travel/commuting as someone has to set a (pretty arbitrary) benchmark of what is considered "zero" (nothing saved, no excess). More transparent would be to just count what you do use and zero is just zero (unless your hobby actually does absorb CO2, then it can be negative).

All this said, I do think that if pedal assist allows people to trade their car for an e-bike for their commute there is indeed a positive environmental effect. If your planning is really tight, I can imagine pedal assist can help you make your rides more consistent hence easier to plan. If I have a good strong headwind, I ride a whole lot slower than if it isn't there (or if I have a tailwind). I suppose with pedal assist, you can probably trust that you'll be going 25km/h regardless of weather. So yeah, I can imagine that can be important for some.

If you use gear for recreation however, your are increasing your load on the environment. If this involves big batteries, even more so. The argument I read often about people having limited time and all that is moot. If you have limited time, then you've got limited time too to get rid of your excess energy and frustrations. It is quicker to burn that off on a short unassisted blast than on a long ride with pedal assist.
  • 3 0
 @vinay: This idea of reducing emissions vs potential future emissions get's worse when you look at some of the dodgier carbon offset credits schemes. Somebody pays a company in the far east to use less fossil fuels, captures the difference as a carbon 'credit'. Sells the credit to a company in the west to offset their own carbon emissions. Suddenly the western company is carbon neutral, despite both companies definitely producing CO2
  • 1 0
 @BorisBC35: unfortunately you’re the exception rather than the rule.
  • 45 15
 Headset cable routing trolling cracks me up. Its almost like the pinkbike staff will push whatever their paying sponsors are trying to sell… Oh wait, nevermind.
  • 10 1
 ...Free The Cables
  • 43 6
 @Corkster9 The wires in cars typically last the lifetime of a car, whereas my bike cables or housing sometimes don't last a whole year. One thing is not like the other. Bad joke.
  • 8 1
 As someone that owns a mercedes that requires you to remove the wheel arch liner, a job basically requiring a full hydraulic lift unless you're feeling like a hero, the joke does somewhat fail to land.
  • 6 2
 As someone that owns a mercedes that requires you to remove the wheel arch liner to change a head lamp lightbulb a job basically requiring a full hydraulic lift unless you're feeling like a hero, the joke does somewhat fail to land.
  • 5 1
 @benpinnick: That's pretty standard, some Honda's and Toyotas require the same to access. Relatively minor. Some e53 BMW x5s however, require removal of the entire bumper and headlamp assembly to access the headlight bulb...
  • 3 1
 @gnarnaimo: some older model Renaults require removal of the wheels to replace the headlight bulbs...
  • 5 0
 Yeah, PB trolling around cable routing is rather poor recently, this analogy with cars is a 100% miss, but maybe it's just Henry. Don't believe anyone would pay for this, not that PB would not accepted such payment, it just seems very unlikely any manufacturer would give a sh*t about what we think.
  • 7 0
 Henry took the internal cable routing thing more seriously than I had imagined. End of the day, there's options for everyone. I thought that old design Canyon did was great. Cables looked internal but you just remove the cover and it's easy to work on, like the hood of a car.
  • 6 0
 I'm also sure they don't needlessly conceal the wiring in any cars used for racing. Perhaps the point is that headset cable routing is absolutely fine for soccer mum vehicles that will never see hard use and that are dropped off to a service centre for every job.
  • 6 5
 @TEAM-ROBOT: according to your bio, you live in SoCal. if your cable housings(what actually matters in a debate here) are lasting less than a year, that is 100%, without a doubt, user error. lmao
  • 4 12
flag wyorider (Dec 21, 2022 at 16:01) (Below Threshold)
 Quinney's drug addled contradiction (loves simple stuff/headset routing) isn't uncommon. It IS frustrating that PinkBike pays for his writing.
  • 13 0
 @Mtbdialed: Yeah, no reason wear out cables and housing like that down here. I just moved here in October. Lived in Oregon, DC, and Washington state for 26 years before that, and raced full time. Between the rain, mud, and washing, my bikes ate cables, housing, and bearings alive. Plus I was always replacing or breaking frames, forks, brakes, and drivetrain components breaking frames, I'm lucky internal cable routing didn't come until the very end of my time racing. It was the worst to have to fish cables through a frame in time for a race or ride, and I can't imagine how angry I'd be if I had to fish it through my headset. I remember having to replace rear brake hoses because I'd cut it too many times to fish it through a frame, and eventually I started setting up my rear brake with a big dangly hose so I'd have extra left to cut in the future. The whole internal cable and headset cable thing is bananas to me, and assumes someone never really rides, and/or gets a new bike every year, and/or lives in LA. Give me function. Always function.
  • 2 11
flag Mtbdialed (Dec 21, 2022 at 18:13) (Below Threshold)
 @TEAM-ROBOT: bruh.....you're 33.....so been racing full time since you were.....7?
  • 7 1
 @Mtbdialed: This may help you get to know TEAM-ROBOT a little better.
www.vitalmtb.com/features/Charlie-Sponsel-The-Inside-Line-Podcast,3034
  • 2 8
flag Mtbdialed (Dec 21, 2022 at 20:59) (Below Threshold)
 @KatzT: LOL

I am genuinely curious as to why you think this matters as to the line of converstation thus far?
  • 10 0
 @Mtbdialed: I'm just saying, you're the one questioning his background and trying to discredit he has to say. I'm assuming you're relatively new at mountain biking according to the date you created your PB account based on your profile, just as you're assuming about TEAM-ROBOT based on his bio. I really didn't start following DH racing until 2015 or so, and even then, I knowf who Charlie Sponsel is.

Happy holidays!
  • 4 0
 @Mtbdialed: did you finance your waterbed?
  • 1 0
 @gnarnaimo: selling my 2010 Honda element, all you need to service it is a squeegee. Hmu.
  • 1 3
 @KatzT: his statements fly in the face of mathmatics. that is all. sure I just created my bio, but I didn't just create my age. lol

if I told you I am 45 and did 2 tours in Vietnam, you would call bullshit, right? same as saying you're 33 and have raced for 26 years. come on...
  • 7 0
 My apologies if my sentence was unclear. I said I lived in wet places for 26 years, and I raced full time. I didn’t mean to indicate that I raced full time for 26 years- I certainly didn’t. If I said I grew up in Boston, and went to UCLA, I wouldn’t mean that I grew up going to UCLA in Boston.
  • 2 0
 @bearstearns: As a Honda technician, I concur (as long as you check the oil level frequently on that oil guzzler).
...but I have a 2005 Corolla, so my family is set for the next dozen or so generations (if I were to have offspring, that is)
  • 2 0
 what's crazy to me is that PB actively fought and won a battle for a water bottle inside the main triangle when all the issue is that the bolt holes where in the other side of the downtube, no big deal IMO, but now they're letting this slip...
  • 2 0
 @TEAM-ROBOT: I understood it clearly. I'm not sure how he gathered what he did from what you wrote. I mean, he also assumed you only ever ride in SoCal and have always been there just from reading your online profile, so he might not be the sharpest tool in the shed.
  • 1 3
 @TEAM-ROBOT: thanks for the clarification. your original sentence was indeed confusing.

that said, I lived and rode in the PNW for a lot of years as well. still never had housing last less than a year. No clue how you managed this, unless we are talking about a looooooong time ago when bikes still had partial housing like road bikes.
  • 29 4
 Snowboarder commentary on point. It is fun to watch them struggle to adjust their helmet and goggles because they don't wear them correctly. It is frustrating that they choose to do this in the worst possible location on any given mountain.
  • 17 1
 I really don't think either of these things are isolated to snowboarders. Idiots abound in all walks of life whether parallel or perpendicular.
  • 12 0
 Just as many stupid skiers doing the same thing.
  • 2 0
 @edthesled: this, all day, every day.
  • 4 0
 Thats actually a thing skier/snowboarders do? Whats the reasoning? I cant just cant see how anyone could look at a helmet and googles and decide thats how they should go together.
  • 8 0
 I'm a snowboarder and didn't know this was a thing. I wear my goggles on the outside, like a normal person. Then again, I'm old. So maybe that's my "problem."
  • 4 0
 @Torbo24: is it so that when you're tumbling down the mountain on your face, your goggles don't go missing? Also means that you can take your lid off and keep the goggles on for that perfect goggle tan...
  • 4 0
 @Torbo24: @Torbo24: I wear my googles under the helmet when I snowboard. Its really not that hard to get comfortable and for me serves no other purpose than style points. There's certainly a "look" we like to follow. Mtb has one too.
  • 1 0
 @Torbo24: I'm fairly sure it originated in comp riding. In the past most pro's didn't wear helmets, so when they went to slope/pipe comps and had to wear one, they just put it on over their toque and goggles. It's really not uncomfortable or annoying.

I'd also point out that park skiers are some of the worst offenders for stuff like this. They took the tall tee trend way further than any snowboarders ever did...
  • 1 0
 @edthesled: I always thought it was a park thing... Purchase a helmet that is XL, wear a beany under it with the goggle strap also under it, at the end of the run, pull the helmet off, goggles and hat are still in place. It's not how I dot it, so what do I know?
  • 20 0
 This massively improved my morning. Have a great Christmas, Henry!
  • 16 0
 Cynical, satirical gold. Some of it hurt at little bit, for being a little too close to the mark but love these monthly updates
  • 10 0
 I have my name on my bike, but sadly have no life outside of mountain biking. I thought it would make riders, say, "Hey Paul," but they ignore me instead.
  • 5 0
 You might have better results with some brightly-coloured Paul™ components?
  • 7 0
 Hey Paul!
  • 1 0
 @hankj: (his name's not Paul)
  • 9 0
 Well done, sir. Good satire is hard to find.
  • 4 0
 OMG, I got nothing..
Hey Henry, if you’re ever planning a trip to the end of the earth, hit me up, I’ll follow.
*Let me know if it’s the flat earth so I can bring a parachute.
  • 6 6
 Well, carbon ski poles are pointless.... Just imagine you're out in the backcountry skiing some pow and your carbonpole breaks just before you are down and start to skin up again.
Now imagine it was with an aluminium (yes, that i belongs there) pole that just bent, so now you can either use it bent or bend it back if it's not that bad...
  • 5 0
 this actually happened to my buddy last winter, I was tell em it was cray cray to spend $200 on carbon ski poles. Needless to say his day ended sooner
  • 16 1
 @artistformlyknowasdan: If your day ends early just because you broke a pole, you probably shouldn't be in the backcountry in the first place
  • 8 0
 @phipu: Right, because aluminum poles never break.

OTOH, I've seen more adjustable poles fail because of their crap clamping mechanisms.
  • 3 0
 Went to fixed carbon poles for touring-freeride ones for extra beef for touring. Adjustable poles are one more point of failure. Beefy carbon poles still cut swing weight. On cold days (most days) shorter poles mean a longer swing, which means warmer hands. Carbon poles are also less thermally conductive, which ALSO reduces the cold hands. I still have my old BD traverse poles, but they don't get much use anymore........
  • 1 0
 @wyorider: Yeah, I have a set of the Scott World Cup carbons (blue/white/yellow graphics), they check all the boxes for me, not to mention, in my experience Scott poles are really durable.
  • 2 0
 I have loved every one of these fake newspaper articles. have u thought of making them into a yearly annual? i’d buy one for sure each year!
  • 3 0
 In other news, a single-speeder kept it to himself while listening to a group of riders discuss their drivetrains.
  • 2 0
 As a cable routing agnostic I delight in Henry poking the comment section bear and it responding with predictable fury. Keep it up @henryquinney, its very fun to watch.
  • 3 0
 Forgot....PB finally disables autoplay.
  • 2 0
 Oh my god i got a good laugh at the external cable routing on the mercedes. Well played Henry, touche.
  • 2 0
 I absolutely adore my 25yr old Joe Blow, pulled it out of the trash even...
  • 2 0
 This is just fantastic Henry! Fantastic writing, pissing off people on all fronts, love it!
  • 1 0
 After few years looking into this ecosystem.. I can definetly understand and relate to this kind of Sarcasm.. in the end it is what is left over for the Real Riders.. Cheers
  • 1 0
 I feel like the Gollum piece is a covert Henry Quinney introspective self confessional. There, there buddy, you'll be back to pulling wrenches soon.
  • 1 0
 Only reason it worked out is because she has her name on her carbon ski poles.
  • 14 12
 This hurt my head to read, such an odd writing style.
  • 5 0
 If you listen to be of Henry’s appearances on the PB podcast, you’ll realize he writes like he talks. When you hear his voice in your head as you read, it all clicks.
  • 3 2
 James Joyce is more fluid.
  • 3 0
 @sfarnum: Ok thanks, that makes sense. Im not that familiar with all the inside jokes I guess.
  • 2 0
 @Leviathandive: no one. Just Henry. That's what makes it great.
  • 2 0
 cliffs corners looks fun though, especially on a slope bike or something
  • 3 0
 Gold, thank you
  • 2 0
 Internal cable routing and Gollum - gold.
  • 2 0
 PB turns off autoplay is missing from the article.
  • 1 1
 Things that didn't happen in the industry #1

MTB reality TV show chooses winner based up on merit and results in the tests performed throughout the series.
  • 2 1
 Slow clap.

@henryquinney Write a book please. I'll buy it.
  • 1 0
 lol Justin Timbersnake has some strong opinions!
  • 1 0
 These articles are great.
  • 3 4
 comments better than the article..
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