Waki-Leaks, Installment 1 - 2015 SaintEn Group

Jan 16, 2014 at 16:02
by Wacek Kipszak  
Disclaimer: This article is meant to be a satire. My very intention with it is to entertain you and eventually provide some food for reflection in case we treat our sport a bit too seriously. I honestly do not wish to insult or harm anyone or any company. Eventual resemblance to persons, names and places might be coincidental.



After several years spent racing on the internet as a WAKi troll, I have been contacted by many people who share my fears of where mountain bike technology is heading; people who work for the industry and just can't bear the volume of hype they must incorporate into their designs. Under the condition of anonymity, they decided to share with me the hottest concept designs in the bike industry, things that were not meant to be seen until they hit the runways of Cycle Fashion Shows like See Potter.

Waki-leaks Corsair stem

In the first installment I shall present you with what my spies have found in the R&D department of one of world's biggest bike corporations, the SheMan-Oh. I was sent some design sketches and concept drawings of a new enduro racing specific gruppo called SaintEN. I learned that the they were not out to make a lighter version of Saint, but to create a line of products with technology revolutionary enough to impact the way the new racing format will be developing. They set the course for the new land - electronics. It will be the next big thing in MTB, like disc brakes were, like carbon, like the bigger… and those less bigger wheels. It seems that SaintEN will be all electronic and there will be some new components we haven’t seen yet in MTB before. For now I just got hold of a few drawings, but I got you guys a real big deal here: the heart and mind of the upcoming SaintEN gruppo, the computer steering all the sub-components on the bike.

Corsair Control Stem


This is the heart of the SaintEN group, a stem containing a device that is meant to take care of the growing number of cables from shifters, levers, triggers, switches and who knows what else they will try to stuff us with. It sounds like they are trying really hard to complicate the simple thing a bicycle really is, but Sheman-Oh will surely turn things around, telling you that those new technologies will simplify things and allow the rider to focus on nailing race-winning lines. Corsair – yhm, an undead pirate robbing souls lost in the sea of hype! There was also another prototype called Ctulhu Stem which you can see below, but they abandoned that as the whole group would be having too many satanic connotations

Waki-Leaks

What’s inside? The Garment computing unit, powered by a quadrocore micro-processor and a set of sensors in the fork, shock and crankset. Surprisingly, it will also monitor the brake fluid flow and temperature! The device will have a GPS tracker, 4” LCD screen, and come with rechargeable batteries and 300 yards of various cables. I was unable to determine what it is that the data from the sensors will be used for but I can only speculate that it is mainly for controlling the behavior of the suspension. This is the list of things that they want to plug into it:

- Front and rear derailleurs - electronic only!
- Two mineral-oil-only filled disc brakes - hydraulic ports
- Dropper post - electronic as well (God save us!)
- Forks compression and rebound
- Fork travel adjustment
- Rear shock compression and rebound
- Power meter on cranks
- Sim card port
- 2x USB-mini ports
- NoPRO 4 Blue ray camera
- HDMI
- VGA

Waki-leaks - SaintEN - corsair stem

I also got a bit of info about what sorts of apps are going to come with the Corsair Stem. First of all you will be able to set up your own profile on the bike, style of riding, weight, height, and upload info on trails you are about to ride on. Then you will be able to adjust the suspension just by using the screen, you will control compression and rebound, various presets available – in case you got blisters from turning knobs. The best part is that Sheman-Oh wants their sponsored riders to provide tracking info for world’s best downhill courses. Based on GPS and the current image from NoPro 4, the system will know exactly where you stand and put suggestions for your race line on the screen, so you can compare it on the fly with what you see in reality. They are also working with Brava tracking solutions to develop a micro projector that could display a ghost image of yourself or other riders on the inside of your goggle lens, to compare times and chosen lines.

In the next installment I will show yet another enduro specific product from Sheman-Oh, their answer to SPAM XX6! The Xtroll drivetrain!

Arguably yours
Wacek Kipszak - Waki
waki-leaks.blogspot.com


107 Comments

  • 111 3
 Hahah, very nice Waki! The stem looks like the tentacled octopus headed guy from pirates of the carribean- I'd run it on my bike
  • 25 1
 Davy Jones. I had that thought too. Good funny read.
  • 30 95
flag Jimmy0 (Jan 26, 2014 at 20:16) (Below Threshold)
 This is dumb.
  • 9 0
 I believe the similarities to Davy Jones were intentional.

the clue is: "yhm, an undead pirate robbing souls lost in the sea of hype"
  • 22 0
 It's Cthulhu kids!
  • 16 6
 I wouldn't be surprised if Disney may try to sue them.
  • 7 0
 I'd totally run a Cthulhu stem if someone made one
  • 2 3
 Yeah u know it's gonna cost like $7000 when all is said and done
I'll pass , taking all the feel outta the bike
  • 32 1
 Big deal! Let me know when they develop an electronic rider that I can place on my bike and control from a smartphone. Then I can go out for a ride while I sit on my couch in my underwear!
  • 25 1
 This creature did not come from Waki's imagination, it was born in the waters around Fukashima, Japan when an octopus egg landed inside a stem that came from shore and came to rest in the radiated waters. Once hatched, the octopus morphed into the stem and was discovered by Shimano engineers who cloned it and integrated it into their latest integrated enduro drivetrain/ cockpit. In a desperate attempt to keep up, SRAM announced they are working on integrated frogs into their Elixer brake bladders for increased reliability.
  • 2 5
 wut
  • 15 3
 Protour Damn you! Stop stealing my show! Big Grin
  • 12 1
 A battle between Waki and Protour! Now this is something i want to see!
  • 9 1
 I'm just trolling the master troll Smile Nice work Waki, you are the man today.
  • 5 2
 This whole thing is making me cringe.
  • 8 0
 So the new Elixirs will croak instead of squealing?
  • 15 4
 WAKI....you truly are a gift to Pinkbike bring me electric solar-powered hubs, hydraulic compression grips, and wireless 178-point remote shocks with auto lockout defaults and Strava-enabled memory dropper posts based on 25-foot contour lines uploaded from Google Dirt moar WAKI!!!!
  • 3 0
 electromagnetic grips.... you could also add some kind of gyroscope for stability
  • 7 0
 Hmm if satellite GPS was more accurate you could program dropper post and lockout engagement points into Strava segments... could help reduce the number of Lycra-clad hand-slip injuries from eronious thumb positioning at key trail gradient change areas.
  • 3 2
 They need like a tracker system so that if u ride alone and get hurt, you can be found. I always feel the need to bring my phone when i ride alone, but service isnt always good in the mountains. Also if ur bike gets stolen it would be nice if you could track it.
  • 15 3
 Hey WAKI got main page ! nice one bro !!
  • 12 1
 put the disclaimer at the bottom, it ruined whatever joke you got going in there.
  • 10 1
 ORIGINAL WAKI CONTENT ON FRONT PAGE???? I hope this is a taste of things to come.

Good shit, Waki!
  • 11 1
 cthulu
  • 10 2
 Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
  • 1 0
 "jsdo, dkihfio...ynmckigf!!"-mcpinsmf
  • 9 0
 Waki, hate the comments, but love the write ups, keep em coming!
  • 18 3
 Thanks for honesty Wink I will be working on minimizing the unnecessary commenting
  • 5 1
 No, don't ='[ Some of us actually get and appreciate your humour.
  • 2 0
 I do love sarcasm, but sometimes its very difficult to tell whats what in the comments. After reading this write up, and i get where you coming from. again, keep em coming.
  • 5 0
 Waki - where is the tyre pressure control?! You have to be able to drop your tyre pressure, adjust brake bias, disengage lockouts and lower seat height before that 20m decent!
  • 5 0
 THIS. Idk how SheMan-oh could have overlooked this. It's not like the mtb market hasn't been begging for that tech, amirite? Smh, SheMan-Oh is gonna end up like Fawkes.
  • 6 4
 I'll ask my agent, about tyre pressures, but that sounds unrealistic, to me, it would be too complicated and expensive. He is trying to get me files about the drivetrain so he might try to find some info on that. The Corsair stem does control brake bias though, someform of antisquat is there to go with thr Shmox suspension.
  • 2 3
 It's obvious that you are a talented illustrator but it's too early to tell if PB has had a huge lapse in judgement by making you a contributing writer. Imho it's a mistake exposing all those young minds to your post adolescent LSD addled delirium. Let's just hope there's not a sudden uptick in octopus being bungied to handlebars this season.
  • 5 2
 I wouldn't use it personally, I love the fact that mountain biking doesn't have any electricity in the bikes it or gas power just a human, legs ,and balance.Even though this just makes your life easier and doesn't make you work less hard to ride I just love the feeling not being assisted by electricity in anyway unlike the rest of every day human life . but it is a cool invention and I wouldn't bash anyone for using it.
  • 10 0
 and god dammit it looks fucking awesome some one should make stems with awesome star wars alien type looking face stems or something like that maybe bear on my stem leading me into battle haha !
  • 5 3
 Is it mean to be a stem or is it a model of Davey Jones from pirates of the Caribbean?
  • 3 0
 why not both?
  • 2 0
 ya forget the whole choosing your line electronic stuff they should make rad stems
  • 3 0
 Nice one! In the next iteration, optimal race lines could to be projected in front of you on the actual trail, updated in real-time, by the new Laser Actuated Synchronization Enabled Realworld Barometric Enhanced Active Manoeuvering System (patent pending). Color coded for fasted (red), safest (green), most stylistic (blue), etc. You would need to get the additional accessory (sold separately): Sharks with frikkin' LASER BEAMS attached to their heads.
  • 2 0
 Gonna wait on this tech til it matures a bit. Love the VGA though, glad they're keeping it roots. Such an underrated mtb technology. What I'm really waiting for is the auto-dropper and hydraulic adjustable stem and rear triangle with digital clinometer control and 8-click geometry presets switch. Could be the answer to the one-bike quiver, so I can finally commute-trials-DH-enduro-xc-cx-DJ all on the same bike! Looking forward to your review.
  • 5 4
 Yea, it is better to wait until they solve all issues and until it trickles down to lower groups. Maybe they are working on ZeEN or something without VGA
  • 6 1
 I can't wait for the 300 yards of cables!
  • 6 1
 Please come with airbags/
  • 5 1
 now some one needs to cnc that stem and patent the design and then sue waki
  • 10 0
 Dave Weagle is probably already onto it!
  • 7 0
 Him and Al Gore invented everything.
  • 3 0
 Love your stuff Waki!
Great to see a front page article (though usually your drawings alone have a story interesting enough to occupy my time).
Keep up the creativity...
  • 4 1
 About time yours stuff made it to the front page. I remember laughing my ass off at the first wakileaks blog. Props, waki!
  • 1 1
 I do not think having so many on board a bike computer is necessary. It also requires that the rider know his machine knows the adjusted and maintained for the good feeling when riding. By developing a model against jib or could incorporate and establish a gps would be a good idea. When large technical descents I often do not bother wasting my gps with vibration and shocks. If not in design, they are very beautiful designs. From a technological point of view I think it should join the images seen by the camera and the GPS information so that in some places the passage is clearer. See incorporate a system of video in front of the gps to have only one device and avoid cockpit too overloaded.
  • 7 2
 The f*ck is this?
  • 1 0
 Great stuff! Not sure why you put a disclaimer on top - I'm willing to wager most of this will be reality in 10 years or so. Just take a look at those new Oakley Airwarve goggles !
  • 1 1
 Makes me wonder because we are right around the technology corner for having real time speedometers available. How will this technology affect something like Rampage or Slope Style because the riders will always have their speed dialed correctly to hit the "hits". I can see it being a real advantage. If someone were to have one, it would be like a athlete on steroids. And it will really mess up the curve of progression, because all a rider would need is to do some physics before hitting a jump for the first time.
  • 2 1
 Does it auto tighten the top cap with the ek-lek-tronicers? or is that fancy moving picture window thing removable to allow access to the top cap?
  • 4 3
 To be very honest I have no idea how they solved that. Mahbe you can take the screen off? Maybe there is an app?
  • 1 0
 Haha, there's an app for that!
  • 4 1
 This feels like the start of a full on comic book series
  • 1 0
 If I only find time, there shall be one Smile one project is Cedric climbing Everest and the second is my own team racing in DH World Cup... we'll see how it goes. Apart from that I will do mybest with Waki leaks.
  • 3 0
 I would rock that stem in a heartbeat, actually looks pretty cool.
  • 4 1
 To many adjustments mean no time for enjoy of ride
  • 2 0
 this makes me want an octopus stem that just runs cables through it... no electronics
  • 10 8
 Thank you guys for all the comments Smile There will be a lot more to come.

Cheers!
  • 5 3
 Finally an enduro specific group to put on my enduro bike!
  • 2 4
 I will only think about it if there is a 29er specific version...
  • 4 3
 Nice work WAKI, drawings are impressive. Your sense of humor is unmatched on PB.
  • 3 0
 Haha hilarious
  • 6 3
 Waki for president
  • 3 1
 Lol!! Great Article dude!!
  • 4 2
 wow thanks waki! kinda wish I could take some of them neg props back lol
  • 3 0
 That stem is too long Smile
  • 1 0
 not sure whether waki is a genious or just a regular nutter Bring on the next post
  • 1 0
 Great article, love the drawings. Joking aside tho, someone,somewhere, is working on this for real!
  • 2 1
 The industry guys now know what the average joe wants! hahaha!
  • 2 1
 I love a clean cock-pit! har.
  • 8 7
 somebody has too much time on their hands
  • 5 7
 exactly what i was thinking
  • 8 6
 you don't understand Waki then, he has the best sense of humour out there
  • 5 0
 Yeah you're right, this article went way over my head. I should be smarter and wittier like the rest of pinkbike
  • 1 0
 ^^^ 'Always aim for the Moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.'
  • 1 0
 If dreams were horses, dreamers would ride
  • 3 2
 THIS IS THE FUTURE OF MOUNTAIN BIKING!!!
  • 4 3
 I love a good troll. Keep it up.
  • 4 3
 master troll wakidesigns gets home page !!
  • 3 3
 Congratulations on getting on the front page Waki! Puts my efforts to shame Wink love your writing - keep it up!
  • 1 0
 you hit my heads up line display idea on the head Frown
  • 2 1
 Ha! brilliant about time the bike industry had some fun poked at it!!!
  • 1 0
 Hahahahahahahaha this made my day !!!!!!
  • 1 0
 man they can really ruin a mountain bike!!!!
  • 1 0
 Best article this year so far!
  • 2 4
 Umm…no.
  • 3 2
 ................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
  • 1 0
 I cant wait version 2 !!!!!!!
  • 11 11
 i wish i could down vote this article.
  • 8 4
 right?
  • 2 1
 Do you disagree with the premise that people are trying to replace skill with technology?
  • 3 3
 Love it Waki! well done mate
  • 4 4
 Its just as unreadable as comments.
  • 2 1
 Dude that's insane
  • 2 2
 Funny, but the plays on words are terrible.
  • 1 0
 Cthulhu Stem!
  • 1 1
 The octopus seems to be really pissed off. Terrific
  • 1 0
 good idea"
  • 2 2
 Awesome, Waki!
Below threshold threads are hidden

Post a Comment



You must login to Pinkbike.
Don't have an account? Sign up

Join Pinkbike  Login
Copyright © 2000 - 2020. Pinkbike.com. All rights reserved.
dv65 0.014855
Mobile Version of Website