I went pro at 5 years old. Started wiping at World Cups at 11, I was at the top of my game... And then in '03 I busted a blood vessel and got a hemorrhoid. I couldn't compete, I was depressed, and I got hooked on painkillers. It was an expensive habit, and I started offering my wiping services to people on craigslist. It was a vicious circle, and wiping asses just didn't bring my joy like it used to.

Back in '09 I ended up in ICU. I had wiped too dirty a hole, and got sepsis. It took almost dying to get clean, and I haven't wiped an ass since, not even my own. Now I mountain bike, and it *almost* brings me the joy I knew from the International Asswiping World Cup Series. I miss it of course.. But it's a slippery, shit covered journey to the bottom if you fall.

 Be very careful grasshopper........Only after 8 years in a monastery in Tibet, on a diet of mutton vindaloo will you be ready for the professional series!

 Pffft. Real men use baby wipes. Best stuff ever.

 When it comes to TP, I think "pro" refers to something akin to sandpaper for your butt. Think of it as cost saving for the person dispensing the stuff.