I'm giving you all a break from my usual puns and dorky comics. Instead, I was thinking we could have a laugh at other's misfortunes and anxiety causing mistakes. I've been collecting embarrassing moments from the Pinkbike staff and think it will be fun to illustrate them.
For your entertainment (hopefully), I present Volume 1 which includes stories from Pinkbike's own Head of Editorial, Brian Park and Pinkbike Presenter Christina Chappetta.
Brian Park: You Can't Say Embarrassed Without Bare Assed | My first time on the north shore.
I was 16 or 17 the first time I rode the shore. I'd gotten my license and driven 5 hours from my small interior BC hometown to finally ride all the trails I'd seen in the movies.
Maybe I'd run into Wade Simmons or Thomas Vanderham, I thought. You'll be shocked to hear I had all the confidence and none of the skills... I had a 2002(?) Banshee Scream, dope ass Roach shorts, and a Giro Switchblade. I was ready for anything.
I met up with some friends, and we headed out to the trails. I don't remember why we didn't take our cars, maybe we were trying to shuttle with the bus, but anyway, we got there on the chariot of the proletariat. We did a few laps, I got my ass kicked by the trails, it started raining, and we got so lost. At some point it became type 2 fun and we bushwacked out to the highway.
I remember cruising down the highway in the pouring rain thinking "holy shit this is cold on the undercarriage," but I was mostly focused on getting down and heading home. When we got to the bus stop at the bottom, I realized those dope ass Roach shorts had gotten snagged on my saddle at some point, and torn themselves essentially into a skirt.
I'm eternally sorry to the public on the Mountain Highway that day, and to the commuters on the long, awkward bus ride back home.—Brian Park |
| Here's another one. I was 12 or so, and had just gotten into mountain biking so needless to say I was watching North Shore Extreme 2 on repeat all the time. I wanted to do drops into gravel pits. So I climbed up a gravel pit near our place, pulled myself up over the ledge at the top... and sat down directly into a huge patch of cactus.
It's very hard to feel like a badass freerider while your mom spends an hour pulling cactus spines out of your ass.—Brian Park |
Christina Chappetta: Just Riding Along... | It was a lovely June day and I'd just finished work at Evolution Bike Shop in Whistler. It was roughly 6pm and I had some fresh rubber hanging from the handlebars of my cruiser bike because that weekend was the DH Provincial Champs in Whistler. One more stop at the bank to make the work day deposit and I was off for a weekend of bike racing! Just as I roll down the access ramp from the bank and towards the valley trail, I notice a duo of ladies approaching by bike and think I’m timed perfectly to pop out onto the trail just in front of them.
Before I know what hits me, BAM! I am on the grass at the edge of the valley trail, rolling around in agony! And the best part - I’m being told off by these ladies about not wearing a helmet and how dangerous I am, meanwhile realizing that I’ve likely actually broken my foot! Ironically, a bike park patroller was driving by and saw the situation and came to check on us. |
| I had to have one of the ladies call my boyfriend to come collect his broken girlfriend, literally on the side of the road, helpless and nearly in shock from breaking my foot. The patroller suggested we go straight to the hospital to assess the situation and we assured him we would. But what he didn’t know was that I didn’t have travel insurance at the time so I thought I'd try to “ride this one out.” I got home eventually but not before going over every single speedbump!!! in Whistler.
Within a few days of couch prison, I decided to get it checked out and it turned out I broke the three middle metatarsals in my right foot as a result of catching my pedal on my tires and bending my foot nearly in half, over the pedal. Needless to say, no bike racing happened that weekend. It was a long 8 weeks of crutches letting the bones mend and then relearning to walk and eventually ride again.
Pretty embarrassing story to tell for 8 weeks of crutch life. Lesson learned. I now cringe when I see people with bags and tires on the bars.
Pro tip: Don’t ride with things on your bars! And don’t wear tiny slide-on shoes on the bike. Crashes can happen on your first lap!—Christina Chappetta |
We hiked up to watch the ladies and see the course. We made it to the starting gate just before Rach Atherton tries to continue her historic winning streak. The timer is counting down and there's silence. You can hear Rach focus on her breathing.
My buddy rips ass.
literally as the beeps are counting down. *beep, beep, Pftblblblblrppppppp, BEEEEEEP*
I could have swore I heard her giggling as she left the line. She proceeds to shred the competition.
I bought a serious enduro bike that is seriously specc'd, can handle serious gnar at serious speed. Seriously.
The embarrassing part is that i am in no way naturally gifted at MTB and i ride like, well... perhaps in another time some might have said i ride like a twelve year old girl. But there was a PB article a while back showing twelve year old girls in a coaching group and they were riding harder than i could ever dare (and good for them too). As it is, i'm just slow on bike that should be going much faster. In my defence, i only got the bike because it was on sale.
Embarrassment Staus: Ongoing
If yes, does it really matter how well you ride compared to others?
Fwiw dont compare yourself to kid riders, they bounce off the ground and get up and dont feel pain like adults. Or at least thats what I observed with my kids. They are more scared if they get suprised by a say a sudden wheel stop, than crashing off a washed wheel.
Actually, last time i took it out was at Bike Park Wales and i really felt like i was pushing on the flow trails.
Next point of action:
1. Build up courage to tackle the park tech trails (trail centre reds are fine but the bike park reds are somewhat intimidating).
2. Learn how my suspension works and not look at the dials on the fork like it's a vintage music studio mixing desk.
I was 15 then btw
First time at the pumptrack with my then 2 year old son. When I was getting his kit on he asked why I wasn’t wearing my knee pads or gloves. “Don’t worry son”.
I walked some laps with him on his Strider, then I said the immortal words “watch this”...
I dropped in from the top of the roll in, jumped the first roller, then the second, meaning I carried far too much speed into the first berm. Predictably the front wheel washed out, I hid the deck. Hard.
I had gravel rash up my forearms and hands, had ripped my jeans, but was fine. My son was distraught. I remember some other kids at the track comforting him as I walked over to him, still rooted to the spot I’d left him.
Years later he still remembers, and reminds me of it whenever we go back to that track. I’m pretty sure that it is his earliest memory.
Lol ????
My GPS started panic moment (Crash Alarm) and started the countdown to text my emergency contacts.
I just managed to stop it, right at the 3 second mark, my body recovered, but my pride never did.
I can now at least partially blame my wornout fork for that crash (2-3 rebuilds & plenty of mechanic head scratching later a new fork was procured).
My dumbest one (nobody saw it) was long ago... sprinting on the road, head down into the side mirror of a car parked next to the road. Thought I was spitting out pieces of glass, but it was part of my front teeth. Dentist did a good job fixing it. I wonder if he rides a Yeti?
One day at the park I bumped into this group of 11-12 year olds with an instructor, and the guy asks them "what trail you wanna ride next?" to what they reply all at once "GOAT'S GULLY!!!". I had never ridden Goats Gully or even thought about it, but since that bunch of kids were able, I probably was too, right? "ok, I'm gonna sneak in first super fast so the kids don't slow me down" I thought. What a humbling lesson.
After eating shit twice within the first 100m I quitted, I crossed with the kids when I was pushing my bike back up.
Not knowing really how bad it was, I went to class anyway. I had to quickly make up a story that didn't sound like I had just crashed on my bike; but shortly after 'had to leave class early to deal with my bloody-mess-of-a-chin.
Family reunion at the beach. Spent all day on the sand, riding around, digging out cars, extended family rented nicer bikes but I was determined to be better, and all the cousins et al watching... found a driftwood tree trunk, propped a few rough firewood pieces against it and filled in the cracks with sand. I packed it down, but still the sketchiest lil kicker I've ridden lol. Keep in mind they're oriented steeply perpendicular to the log like a ramp, parallel to my line of attack, filling in the gap underneath with sand...not like an actual quarter pipe piling horizontally from the ground up - I only had like 3 or 4 pieces of wood. That's key.
So I spend forever building this thing while everyone else is at the water... ride it several times, a bit sketchy but I'm so proud of myself. No one's paying attention. Finally everyone packs up to leave (I'm biking back to the lodge)... to get from the water to the exit they circle my jump... perfect! Hey, everyone, watch this! Look at me! Everyone stops, windows roll down, I've got an arc of cars... I circle around to hit it one last time, pedal hard and pick up even more speed... Now, apparently each time I've ridden it it's shifted a little more, because as my front wheel hits it it just falls apart. Start going up and the slats push to the side and my front wheel drops through the sand, now it's acting like a bike stand with the trunk in front and the wood to each side. Instant stop to OTB... lawn dart into the sand on the other side of the tree, bike keeps rotating and hits my head from behind. Now I'm tangled w/ an upside down bike on top of me driving my face in the sand... just stick my arm out of the mess and manage a thumbs up.
First time lift-access DH stuff, riding a rental, first experience with a modern enduro bike. (CODE brakes). Doing ok, improving, only washed out when I came out of a corner too fast and dropped off the edge of the track... but didn't really "crash"... Until I made it to the bottom, under the chairlift approaching the village, no trail obstacles of any kind, everyone can see, buddies following, and I guess my weight was forward and I was on the front brake just a bit too hard... suddenly I just get launched OTB and shoulder-check the ground like I'm playing hockey/football... go tumbling in a cloud of dust.
First group ride at college, maybe make some new friends, maybe impress but hopefully at least not be humiliated. Only one to take an off trail rock roll towards the beginning, cool. Not amazing, but a start. Later on hear a commotion, everyone in front pulled off to walk this rock drop... a few feet high, coming out of a big climb, narrow crooked approach... me and the guy behind me... those in front gather on the side to watch. Guy behind me goes first. Much better bike and frankly quite the better rider as well. Perfectly executed, flows through... "oooohhhh, ahhhhh, nice!". I grab my bike and roll back, pedal forward, don't get enough speed and almost no pop... perfect Friday Fails front wheel piledrive to OTB. Plus get my leg tangled in the triangle created when a 120mm stem with bars swings to the toptube and wrench my ankle.
I had a massive OTB on the first downhill due to undertorqued stem bolts, and after one of my new mates stopped laughing he told me, as he tightened them up, that “at least now your bike won’t be steering itself”.
They then proceeded to school me on what real mountain bikers actually did until I ran out of gas and bailed mid ride.
It was...educational
There’s only one thing for it. We point the bikes down the descent (wide, clay/hard pack with drainage barriers) and go for it. I’m going faster than I have, launch of the first drainage wall, however don’t count on not having space to readjust for the second one which has a higher (slate) edge. Front tyre impacts with a pop, still hold it, then the rear hits the third ridge and ‘bang’ bike goes squirrely I OTB into a large patch of heather. I recover to find my mate creased up over his handlebars and my own bike now with pinch flats front and rear in a bad way. Cut to an hour sat by the trail repairing punctures (having to beg patches from the cool guys) which don’t take properly and a hours push back home.
"It's very hard to feel like a badass freerider while your mom spends an hour pulling cactus spines out of your ass."