What didn't happen this month?
Cascade Components Make Front and Rear Triangle to Be Compatible with Standard Santa Cruz Rocker Link
Cascade Components, the Seattle based manufacturer that specialises in aftermarket linkages to change the suspension feel of a bike, have today released plans to create entirely new front and rear triangles to suit a stock Santa Cruz Nomad link from 2016.
The bike, which will be made from machined alloy, will “Really release the full potential of the groundwork that Santa Cruz has put in with their rocker. It’s a great platform, but we felt we could extract more.”
The front and rear triangle package, which Cascade insists will come with a full warranty from Santa Cruz, will come with a free bumper sticker reading “I’m super sensitive.”
Dual Slalom Event Gets Record Views
A dual slalom event has seen record breaking views as all but one of the athlete’s parents tune in to watch. The near-unprecedented levels of interest haven’t been touched in nearly 15 years.
The 31 parents nearly overloaded the servers as they all tuned in to give the event at least two-thirds of their attention span. At some point one of the couples even threatened to get yet new and ever heightening levels of exposure for the sport by telling their friend Janet.
74-year-old Janet, who enjoys past times such as bear baiting and embroidery, faked severe Covid-19 symptoms including wearing an Imagine Dragons t-shirt in a bid to prove she has no taste. It was all part of a complex plan to avoid going around for a cup of tea and risking inadvertently catching an eyeful of the racing. She has since insisted two weeks of self-isolation was a price worth paying.
Former Professional Motocross Rider Surprisingly Good at Downhill
Local Queenstown rider Lionel Roberts has finally revealed after several hours of interrogation that he wasn’t telling the full truth when he insisted he had only ridden bikes for a few months.
According to local shop owner Ceecee Smoothie, Roberts, who raced pro-level motocross for 15 years as well as being a very competent skier was bringing the whole town’s morale down as he began winning races at his first attempt. What’s worse is that he did so on a 2013 ex-demo Sunn Radical which local witnesses testify “looks like it’s taken design cues from the Alien Vs. Predator Series and then been left at the bottom of the lake for 3 years.”
After winning the local downhill race Ceecee organised a rabble of locals that took matters into their own hands. “The waterboarding was regrettable,” Smoothie tells us, “but we felt we had no other choice and I think the ends do justify the means - he's finally admitted the truth that he isn't really
a beginner at all. We’ve got him on a final warning. If he destroys one more ego with the line “Oh, I’m new to it” before sending a 40 foot tech gap one more time we’re going to ban him from ever entering Queenstown again and he’ll have to live out his days in Cromwell. Too harsh? Potentially but we need to set an example.”
High Pivot Bikes "Entirely to Blame" for Global Chain Shortage
Shimano head of sales Gareth Yoghurtbottom has come out to insist that it’s actually high pivot bikes hogging all the chains that’s causing the worldwide shortage of the component. High pivot bikes, which also put excessive demand on the jockey wheel sector, stop other people riding bikes and not the lack of production. “For every two high pivot bikes, one rider goes without a chain. It’s just selfish and immature,” insists Yoghurtbottom.
This follows the shock news of heads rolling at SRAM as they admit their double-caliper experiment was just plain greedy and a leaked dossier that suggests Pole have been unfairly using more than their fair share of tubing and hogging all the reach.
Fat Biker Gets “No Regret” Tattoo
Justin Timbersnake, an intermediate mountain biker living in Surrey, is still adamant that fat bikes are the best tools for the job in the lush green hills and mild temperatures of the home counties.
The bike, which Timbersnake insists yield a huge, if not unprovable, performance advantage compared to anything below 3”, were originally designed with ice-cold temperatures in mind but have since found their foothold in satellite commuter towns just outside of London.
Timbersnake is adamant he didn’t get drawn into a sales pitch for the expensive piece of equipment and insists he will happily ride the bike for many more years to come.
Incidentally, he thinks it looks rather cool on the back of his convertible Peugeot in an area that sees 203 rainy days per year. He bought the open-top car after the salesperson called him "tough guy" and "big man" and insists he isn't wildly impressionable.
Residents of Whistler told to “Piss Off” by Rest of World
Mark Zuckerberg and his colleagues at Instagram and Facebook have finally yielded to unprecedented levels of pressure to put a blackout on all devices in the Whistler region during lift season. Everyone everywhere has agreed that they just want Whistmas to go away and are fed up with seeing smiling faces, downhill bikes and shots of A-line.
The petition received 8 million signatures in Europe alone and led to Emmanual Macron, who himself is the proud owner of a colour-matched 2009 Scott Gambler, tell Justin Trudeau that the media blackout wasn’t enough. It echoed calls earlier this week of bridleway basher and leader of the free world Angela Merkal telling residents of Whistler to “piss off with their crap - you're going to give Canada a reputation as the bad guys and those things can be hard to shake.”
Mountain Biking Fans Form Union to Insist Frames Don’t Decide Results, Unless It Reinforces Their Own Opinion
Despite half the podium riding frames on one single manufacturer at the recent world cup in Leogang, as well as an incredible slew of results over the last few years, downhill racing fans insist it’s not all about the bike, at least when it matters to them. We caught up with their chairman Drew Mitchelson, who many of you may know better as the method actor who has played the pantomime villain and bonafide arsehole “Lance Armstrong” since 1992.
“Well,” Drew explains, “I’ve always had this great schtick when playing Armstrong saying “It’s not about the bike” right? I mean, it wasn’t the bike at all in my character arc and that’s the beautiful irony. Anyway, with that tagline the guys from the Parts are Equal Not Inherently Superior For Almost All Race Eventualities group approached me and wanted to see if I would use my bullish charm to try and convince Team Commencal Muc-Off to ride Kenda Honeybadgers front and back for the next World Cup, Zoom suspension and a frame from Muddy Fox just to prove that they would still podium. What's best is that we want them to run it in a mullet set up. If they win, then parts make no difference. If they lose it's because of the mixed wheels.”
“I was skeptical, but if the pros bikes make a difference to results then maybe that would undermine my stance as I troll reviews in YouTube comments out a weird sense of loyalty to my chosen brand, or when denounce every new standard and complain about things I only partially understand on articles that I didn't read fully."
"However in the case of Nino and that new Scott, we've decided we don't like it so it is about the bike for him. He'd be winning everything if it wasn't for that silly internal shock design. It costs him at least a minute a lap.”
“We’re also hoping to make some t-shirts saying “Frames don’t win races, French People Do”.
Experienced Mountain Biker Distraught After She Buys Car and Brakes, Seat, Steering Wheel and Expensive Alloys Won’t Swap Over To New Vehicle
Hannah Anna Pethrington is distraught and incredibly angry that most of her old car isn’t compatible with her new vehicle, even though she recently made several important upgrades.
The vehicle in Question, a 2008 Seat Leon, does not share any of the same design dimensions as her new live-in van, a Mercedes Sprinter.
“I knew the drivetrain wouldn’t convert as I did my research but I couldn’t believe the rest won’t. I thought everything was meant to be standardized and it almost made me question whether the idea of non-interchangeability and gradual design changes yielding better or different performance characteristics wasn’t invented by elite members of the mountain biking industry - which of course we know that it was but it made me think for a second. They even use different wheel sizes - can you believe it?!”